The Frank Report - The New Conservative

The Frank Report LXI

Also making the news was the Caliph of Londonistan, Sadiq Khan (peas be upon him), who is determined that the State provide free school meals to every primary school pupil in London from September. ‘The cost of living crisis means families and children across our city are in desperate need of additional support’ said the mayor. When it was pointed out to him that there wasn’t anything ‘free’ or ‘ethical’ about taxing families on the breadline to feed the children of millionaires, Khan is rumoured to have replied ‘It’s only £130M ffs, that’s not even a week’s worth of transgender propaganda!’

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The Frank Report LX

The Frank Report

There was an interesting incursion into the free speech debate this week, as Taliban leader Anas Haqqani appeared to endorse Elon Musk over Mark Zuckerberg. ‘Twitter doesn’t have an intolerant policy like Meta’ Haqqani wrote, while live-streaming his latest bombing. ‘Sure, we cut people’s hands off and burn them alive if they step out of line, but at least we don’t harvest their data’.

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The Frank Report LIX

The Frank Report

It’s been a bumper week for Britain, as the nation’s premier sacred cow celebrated her 75th birthday (no, not Diane Abbott you bastards!), our glorious NHS; the envy of the world. It’s unclear what sort of gift a grateful nation should bequeath a septuagenarian recluse on her last legs, but I’d have thought euthanasia should

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The Frank Report LVIII

The Frank Report

In a move branded ‘genius’ by City Hall insiders, loveable Londoner, mayor Sadiq Khan, has promised to slash knife crime by issuing his own range of ‘peaceful’ switchblades. ‘Knife crime is caused by discrimination’ Khan confidently told The Guardian this week. ‘It’s unfair that not everyone can afford the latest zombie knife – that is, after all, essentially what knives are – a fashion statement. If everyone’s carrying the same shank, they won’t feel the need to use it’.

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The Frank Report LVII

The Frank Report

Ramadan special edition of the Frank Report, where Sadiq Khan has lit up London with 30,000 sustainable lights rather than the customary suicide bombers: “They’re not as flashy, sure” conceded the mayor, “but they require less paperwork, and at least we can recycle them”.

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The Frank Report LVI

The Frank Report

Welcome to this Mother’s Day edition of the Frank Report: a tribute to every woman navigating the choppy waters of maternity without the aid of a penis. Genital aids can come in handy however, which is why Prime Minster Rishi keeps his Jeremy Hunt stashed close by in Number 11 Downing Street. The Chancellor kicked

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The Frank Report LV

The Frank Report

If the Carry On team had ever dipped their toes into politics, they could have done worse than Carry On Conservative. Imagine ultra-liberal Prime Minister Kenneth Williams, masquerading as a Tory; Hattie Jacques as Home Secretary, coquettishly insisting ‘nothing gets past her’ as the swarthy young men squeeze round in their thousands, and Sid James

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The Frank Report LIV

The Frank Report

Dear all, Just to let you know, from now on The Frank Report is going to be hosted exclusively on Substack. While everything on TNC remains free, The Frank Report is going to be for paid subscribers only every other week. I hope you won’t find this too mercenary, but it is simply too much

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The Frank report LIII

The Frank Report

You asked for it, you got it! Due to public demand (not to mention, unprecedented levels of political imbecility), the Frank Report is making a comeback. So make sure the kettle’s on, the Jaffa Cakes a gogo, strap yourselves in and here we go! There were two major stories at Westminster this week. The first

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The Frank Report LII

The Frank Report

Welcome to what is regrettably the final instalment of The Frank Report. Having run for the promised year, I’m afraid it’s time to bow out gracefully. As rewarding as satire may be, it still fails to match the promise of a few nicker; or even better, fewer knickers. There is a remote chance that the

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