The Frank Report LV

If the Carry On team had ever dipped their toes into politics, they could have done worse than Carry On Conservative. Imagine ultra-liberal Prime Minister Kenneth Williams, masquerading as a Tory; Hattie Jacques as Home Secretary, coquettishly insisting ‘nothing gets past her’ as the swarthy young men squeeze round in their thousands, and Sid James as Nigel Farage – what you lose in booze, you gain in birds. You’d be guaranteed more laughs, more tits (not just Hancock), and undoubtedly more competence. 

Sadly that film was never produced, so we’ll have to content ourselves with the farce currently playing out at Westminster: Rishi Sunak pretending to be conservative – and it must be said, the boy’s heart just ain’t in it. Having already signed the Tory death warrant with his illegal immigrant non-amnesty amnesty, Richi has decided to bribe the French a third time, to do the job they clearly had no intention of doing first time round – desisting from chaperoning their finest rapists and murderers across the Channel into the loving arms of the ‘Border Force’, and getting paid handsomely for it at both ends. 

Why on earth would the Froggies do us any favours anyway? The French loathe the British with a passion. Ask any Frenchman what he thinks of ‘Monsieur Anglais’ or Les Rosbifs over a pastis, and he’ll tell you: it probably got going around the time of Joan of Arc, but certainly wasn’t helped by the death of Napoleon; then there’s our crimes against cuisine, bailing them out of two world wars, and of course not forgetting the enfant terrible of British politics – Brexit. 

In short, this is not something we can pay our way out of. Priti Patel tried with £55 million back in 2021, followed by last year’s £63 million – all to no avail. So when President Macron glimpsed Richi strolling across to the Paris summit with a half billion quid’s worth of Viagra tucked down his trousers, it must have momentarily taken his mind off the next sweaty ménage à trois with some half-naked Caribbean convicts. ‘Ooh la la!’ Macron may well cry, but it’ll be ‘Nul points’ and an erect middle-finger when Richi wants to send the first illegals back. 

What precisely does that half billion buy us then, you might well ask? A whopping 500 extra officers (only some of whom will be on the take), and a new French detention centre which regrettably will not be fully operational until the end of 2026; i.e., after the Tories have lost the next election. Sunak naïvely commented: ‘Working together, the UK and France will ensure that nobody can exploit our systems with impunity.’ ‘Sauf moi!’ Macron corrected him. 

The fact is the Tories can promise whatever they like, we’ve heard it all before. Suella is offering news laws, just like Priti Patel did three years ago. No only will those plans be opposed by all and sundry, they are already openly opposed by Home Office staff. Labour will simply wave any illegals through when they assume power, and while most of them will be headed to Gary Lineker’s house (whose generosity with other people’s money you really cannot fault), I cannot help feeling sorry for the ones tuned in to Humza Yousaf, who has pledged the following:

Under my leadership, an independent Scotland would offer asylum seekers and refugees safe routes and protection, security and the dignity they deserve.

Surely, he doesn’t expect the poor bastards to row all the way up to Scotland?

That seems unlikely though, seeing as the land of the brave is 96% white – something Abu Humza himself has been keen to criticise. Illegal immigrants could do much worse than head over to the USA, where they take their racism seriously. This week alone saw Maryland Democrats attempting to prohibit anyone under the age of 25 being charged with felony murder, on the grounds that ‘their brains aren’t fully developed yet’. California wants to solve the problem of crime altogether, by paying black people $360,000 each in ‘reparations’ – just wait till Rachel Doleful and Shaun King get wind of this. And multimillionaire curtsying sissy, Colin Kaepernick, has accused his white adoptive parents of ‘perpetuating racism’ in the home – the bastards were so racist they adopted him. 

Intellect aside, Kaepernick’s problem is that he hasn’t gone nearly far enough to max out his victim status. It’s uncertain whether he’s quite got the balls to come out as a ‘transwoman’, but if he did he’d be raking it in. This is not an accusation you can throw at Eddie Izzard, who has announced the desire to be known as ‘Suzy’, something she he has wanted since the age of ten. Still, he’d be an old maid in Minnesota, where they get to them a lot earlier. In fact, Minnesota is well on the way to becoming a haven for American parents who wish to abuse their children to the full extent of the law. Hao and Gretchen Nguyen are one such couple, who have a 6-year-old boy they are convinced is a girl. Christ knows what that poor child is being forced to watch on Netflix, but I hope it’s that old Tom Hanks classic Saving Ryan’s Privates.

Let’s face it, childhood has always been a tricky time, but I think those of us who grew up in the 80’s had it slightly better. Sure, the toxic masculinity of He-man injected us with a patriarchal lust for Baywatch, but at least we didn’t have a government force-feeding us killer vaccines – the worst you got was pushy parents pressuring us into piano lessons, not penectomies. Thanks to the Hancock leaks, even those in denial are having a hard time ignoring just how orchestrated the Covid racket was. Not only was the government joyfully frightening us with the next ‘variant’, Hancock was actually instructed to ‘tone down’ the Wuhan Covid lab leak claims, as it might ‘cause problems’ with China. Forget Beijing Barry Gardiner, it might be simpler to assume every mandarin at Westminster is a Chinese agent. With hardliners now jumping ship in droves, the bad joke of Covid is that we may now have come full circle: not only has Vienna finally lifted its mask ban, there is even the possibility that those wearing masks will be fined!

Also coming full circle are that ignoblest of royalty, Hazza and Nutmeg, who have been offered the olive branch of Prince Andrew’s Buckingham Palace apartment to compensate for their Frogmore Cottage eviction. Testament to their own hypocrisy, having spent the best part of three years slagging off everyone in the monarchy for racism, they are now celebrating their children’s royal titles. All of which comes a week after Prince Harry revelation that he ‘always felt different to the rest of the family’. The Frank Report did contact Major James Hewitt to discern the truth of this statement, but unfortunately he was unavailable for comment. 

The majority of Americans meanwhile apparently think ‘wokeness’ is good, and you’d certainly conclude that when you note the demand for the stuff. With Roald Dahl and James Bond already facing rewrites in the name of ‘sensitivity’, Ladybird classics like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are set to be ‘re-examined for a lack of inclusivity’. Over on the small screen, the classic film ‘Zulu’ has been included on a list of works that ‘could incite the far-right’, something Michael Caine has insensitively termed ‘the biggest load of bullshit’ he has ever heard. And even the Brownies have been accused of a lack of inclusivity, with the word ‘God’ removed from their campfire songs. Personally, I can’t wait till the Brown Owls with cocks start leading the singing – that should liven things up.

In other news, Boris Johnson caused outrage when he accidentally nominated his father for a Knighthood. Boris, who actually referred ‘My Johnson’ to the Honours Committee, was embarrassed when his untidy handwriting was misinterpreted as ‘Mr’. Meanwhile British police officers are asking for a pay rise of 17%. You might argue this is unjustified, but after six of them successfully arrested Isabel Vaughan-Spruce, the dangerous catholic woman engaging in silent prayer armed with a double-barrelled surname, you can see their point. 

And finally, 25-year-old influencer, Sofi Maure, who made the news recently when she announced her marriage to herself, has instigated divorce proceedings after spending just one day in her own company. It’s unclear whether the other side will contest the matter, although Maure passionately pleaded: ’I can’t take it anymore!’ We wish her well, and advise her to get to know the person a bit better next time. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever Carry On is going on in your lives.