The Frank Report LXI

With three by-elections last Thursday there’s been a bit of a shake-up at Westminster, as the floating turds masquerading as MP’s attempt to woo floating voters. The Conservatives seem to think scrapping the seven billion quid’s worth of inheritance tax ought to do it. Someone should tell them they’ve got more chance of winning over the dead – whose vote incidentally, Labour has already got firmly in the bag. Starmer meanwhile is busy dividing his party over his insistence on keeping the two child benefit cap – the radical idea of making parents pay for (some of) their own children. Naturally, senior Labour figures can see the sense in pretending to be fiscally responsible, but surely the lack of a large extended family will make it harder to smuggle those additional ‘postal votes’ in?

The by-elections themselves were a mixed bag. Parliament’s favourite fat frump at the disco, the Lib Dems, made the same mistake they always do: equating their last dance cop off in Somerton and Frome with the electorate finally coming to their senses; rather than the 15 pints and lack of attractive alternatives that is customarily required to vote for Ed Davey. Labour meanwhile won Selby and Ainsty by fielding the suspicious sounding ‘Keir Mather’ – is there a factory somewhere knocking out these charisma bypasses? There was even a surprise victory for the Tories, who managed to hold Uxbridge and South Ruislip, thanks to the universal unpopularity of Sadiq Khan’s ULEZ cash-grab. Labour really ought to do the nation a favour, and put him on all their campaign literature. 

Under the spotlight this week was Taliban PR guru, Tobias Ellwood, who moonlights occasionally as Chairman of the Defence Select Committee. Ellwood was roundly lambasted for praising the Taliban’s ‘peaceful’ and ‘stable’ leadership of Afghanistan. But to be fair, he had just returned from a foreign tour of Tower Hamlets – and as anyone who’s holidayed there recently will confirm, you can’t fault the smoothness of the electoral system. 

Also making the news was the Caliph of Londonistan, Sadiq Khan (peas be upon him), who is determined that the State provide free school meals to every primary school pupil in London from September. ‘The cost of living crisis means families and children across our city are in desperate need of additional support’ said the mayor. When it was pointed out to him that there wasn’t anything ‘free’ or ‘ethical’ about taxing families on the breadline to feed the children of millionaires, Khan is rumoured to have replied ‘It’s only £130M ffs, that’s not even a week’s worth of transgender propaganda!’

It’s safe to say that Khan already has his heart set on the next campaign: bolstering his feminist credentials by ‘recognising that male violence against women and girls often starts with words’. It also often starts with segregation, FGM and gang rape, though presumably Sadiq will get round to those next week. ‘I’m determined to ensure that men and boys feel empowered to call out their mates when their behaviour crosses the line. #Maaate #HaveAWord’ tweeted Khan. This is great advice, and it’s invaluable to have hashtags like that up your sleeve the next time you get stabbed in London. 

Meanwhile, if you find yourself stabbed in France this summer holiday, it’s a fairly safe bet that your attacker is named Mohammed – as the ‘praiseworthy’ one is now not only top choice for pregnant mothers, but also for rioters; what were the odds? Islam is having a good week, all things considered. Thanks to a Muslim billionaire, the Trocadero is set to become a new mega mosque, having been turned down for permission in 2020 – I wonder what might have persuaded Westminster Council to change their mind?

Andrew Tate has shocked fans by claiming ‘Britain will be fully Islamic soon’ – it’s happening bruv, give us a couple more decades though – Fatima and Aisha are knocked up and knocking them out as fast as they can! Concerned that Tate will be unable to hit his targets, ISIS and Al-Qaeda have confirmed they are upping the ante, and will flood the country with jihadists to speed the process up. 

Thankfully the weather should stay nice and warm for the Channel migrants, as climate experts have warned ‘the world will miss its 1.5ºC warming limit’ – which presumably will leave Britain basking in the tropical temperatures of 14.5ºC. Not taking any chances are those determined to save our souls, those loveable arseholes from Just Stop Oil, who this week managed to stop a mother taking her sick child to hospital, and got punched and kicked for their trouble. Instead of gluing themselves to the roads, I’d much rather they simply glued their dicks to their heads, but perhaps that’s just me?

In other news, the Roald Dahl museum has taken the unusual step of condemning the author it exists to celebrate. ‘Roald Dahl’s racism is undeniable and indelible, but what we hope can also endure is the potential of Dahl’s creative legacy to do some good’ the museum said. Dahl sold 300 million books worldwide, was voted the finest children’s author of all-time, and was such an original wit that even the woke wankers at Netflix coughed up $686 million for the rights to his works. The fact that the left are now guilt-tripping buildings into outing racists, is quite an achievement. 

Speaking of racists, that ‘disingenuous grifter’, characterised by ‘xenophobic, chauvinistic and racist views’ (otherwise known as Nigel Farage) has been the subject of disingenuous debanking by Coutts and NatWest. Clearly concerned that the vast majority of its 19 million customers also identify as such, the bank has issued a grovelling apology, and is begging for mercy rather than a boycott. The supremely xenophobic, chauvinistic and racist Frank Report says ‘You know what to do’.

And finally, after concerns at the underrepresentation of Muslims at Wimbledon, courts are going to be sharia compliant from 2024 to combat islamophobia in the sport. The All England Lawn Tennis Club will also be changing its ‘AELTC’ acronym to reflect the more inclusive ‘Allah Equally Loves Tennis Cock!’ Ian Hewitt, Chairman of the AELTC has confirmed that if a Muslim champion cannot be found by 2030, then Wimbledon will start imposing quotas on the main draw. 

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember anyone you bail out to the tune of £1 Trillion forfeits the right to police your opinions. 

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