The Frank Report LVII

Welcome to this Ramadan special edition of the Frank Report, brought to you from the heart of London’s West End. In a break with tradition, Sadiq Khan decided to brighten up the Capital with 30,000 sustainable lights rather than the customary suicide bombers: “They’re not as flashy, sure” conceded the mayor, “but they require less paperwork, and at least we can recycle them”. Responding to rumours that this represented a ‘Muslim takeover’, Londoners expressed their bemusement. Ethel Scroggins, 92, was pleased to confirm she found the lights “much better than those awful Christmas decorations”, before adjusting her hijab and going in for her Iftars. 

At Westminster the big story this week was the relaunch of Reform UK: bolstered by the return of 11 former Brexit Party MEPs, with Nigel Farage firmly ensconced as ‘Honorary President’, and the signing of former Shadow Home Secretary, Ann Widdecombe. While the media may scoff at the 75-year-old stalwart of British politics, they are missing the point: not only is Widdecombe a straight-talking, no nonsense Tory, but the ground has never been so fertile for a genuine, conservative alternative. With the Conservative Party dead on their feet, and a Labour Party who couldn’t guarantee vote fraud in Tower Hamlets, this could be just the ticket the electorate has been waiting for; watch this space. 

Keir Starmer meanwhile, was keen to shore up his lead in the polls, and demonstrate that the shower of shite adorning his frontbenchers is ready for government. Faced with strategists warning that he will “lose the election on day one over his trans rights position”, the Labour leader raced out of the blocks this week, crowing about a Damascene conversion. Not only does he now possess “a very clear position” on women’s rights ahead of the next election, but he is also promising to “halve violence against women and girls within a decade” (presumably by turning just the one, customary blind eye). In other words, Starmer is perfectly willing to ditch the charade of not knowing what a woman is and admit he does in fact know what a woman is, provided you let him lie about how he got there. And if that doesn’t encourage you to vote Labour, nothing will.

The reality of course is that it hardly matters which way you vote anymore – the combined forces of pandemics, megalomaniacs and genuine global powers queuing up to kill us are vastly more efficient than the piss-ant fifth columnists they bribe within our midst. Covid was clearly just a dry run, now scientists believe they have found a ‘Covid-like virus’ lurking in bats native to Britain – what were the odds? If that doesn’t make you shit yourself, don’t worry – climate change and the warming of the oceans is going to facilitate the spread of flesh-eating bacteria in the next 20 years. Any members of the public not drinking themselves to death by now, will be encouraged to do so by the UK’s compulsory ‘life-saving’ emergency alerts sent directly to your mobile phone, warning you of devastating threats such as ‘it’s a bit rainy, take a brolly’. The sad fact of the matter is, such drastic measures are unnecessary in Britain; a nation which has already proved itself a hotbed of craven cowardice. Forty-one percent of us are still taking regular Covid tests and wearing masks, years after they were proved to have zero positive effect beyond the chin of Nicola Sturgeon. 

It’s been an emergency week for the Royals too. Unlike the flotsam and jetsam of third world criminality that washes up on our shores, Prince Harry has been told he now needs to give 28 days’ notice if he wants to visit the UK, so that the Home Office can “assess his security requests”. This could spell disaster for the ginger whinger, as recent drug use admissions may see him deported from the US – rendering him as stateless as Shamima Begum, minus the popularity and BBC podcast. King Charles meanwhile has been advised to “give Andrew the boot”, as the disgraced Duke “worms his way back” into royal life, although Harry insists he needs Meghan to milk a few more quid out of Netflix first.

Milking the system for all its worth, are the endless hordes of illegal doctors and engineers flocking to Britain via the Border Force express check-in at Dover. The problem of course, is that the government is running out of stately homes to stash them in. The Home Office’s latest manoeuvre appears to be housing them in RAF barracks (including RAF Scampton, home to the Dambusters and the Red Arrows) and chucking the military families living there out onto the street. If you think the government are all mouth and no trousers when it comes to undesirables, think again – they did manage to block the entry of the Danish politician, Rasmus Paludan, who threatened to burn a copy of the Koran in Wakefield to ‘fight back against undemocratic forces’. Perhaps next time Mr Paludan will have the foresight to come here in a dinghy. 

In wokewatch this week, the Girl Guides are the latest institution to undergo an inclusive makeover, releasing a 60-page document which instructs leaders of Guides and Brownies how to make no sense at all when communicating. Britain’s biggest girls’ group, which describes itself as a “girl-only space for all girls and young women”, but adds that it is also proud “to be a trans-inclusive organisation and welcome trans girls and non-binary young people”, is clearly begging 60-year-old, bearded perverts to choose them as their next target for ‘self-identification’. And that’s increasingly likely as World Athletics, in a rare outbreak of common sense, have banned transgender women from female events. In the interim, if you want your girls to be safe in their guiding, the best bet is probably to join the Cub Scouts. 

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that almost a quarter of young adults now identify using an alternative pronoun, such as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Another way of viewing that, is that three-quarters of the population are thankfully resisting the urge to adopt a fashionable mental illness. Cancel culture is still alive and kicking as life peer, Claire Fox soon discovered, after she was disinvited from the Royal Holloway debating society for retweeting a Ricki Gervais joke about transwomen. Fox had been due to give a talk on free speech and the dangers of cancel culture, but had her talk swiftly cancelled due to the dangers of free speech. And the culture of the Metropolitan Police has been called into question, after the Casey Review concluded the force was “racist, sexist and misogynistic” – and that’s only the good bits.

In other news, much has been made of President Xi Jinping’s bromance with Vladimir Putin after the two met in Moscow. The pair’s ‘no-limit friendship’ has raised eyebrows across the West, after their overheard exchange of “change is coming” was interpreted as an ominous threat to replace America as the world’s superpower. I suspect however, Vlad the lad’s PR gurus have advised him to harness the sympathy vote by coming out as non-binary, and that he is merely casting around for the best deal on a discrete penectomy.

Perhaps Putin fears getting gang-raped on the streets of Britain when he comes over for his ‘My feminist trans-rape of Ukraine’ book tour, but there’s less chance of that now that Kent Police have decriminalised rape. ‘Rape’, ‘sexual assault’, ‘road traffic incidents’ and ‘domestic violence’ are now all ‘non-emergencies’ according to the force, but watch out with those offensive tweets and silent prayers, or the boys in Maybelline will be round to nick you. 

And finally, replacing Barack Obama as the least deserving recipient of an award in history, the University of Helsinki has decided to confer an honorary doctorate on the world’s most notorious truant, Greta Thunberg. Turns out you don’t need to finish school to finish first, but you might need a Finnish PhD to get the ball rolling. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever thoughtcrime the authorities insist you’re now committing. 

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