The Frank Report LVI

Welcome to this Mother’s Day edition of the Frank Report: a tribute to every woman navigating the choppy waters of maternity without the aid of a penis. Genital aids can come in handy however, which is why Prime Minster Rishi keeps his Jeremy Hunt stashed close by in Number 11 Downing Street. The Chancellor kicked the Westminster week off with his spring budget – imposing the highest tax burden on the nation since the war, albeit with a complimentary smug smirk. Who’s to pay for this? Why women of course, which is why Hunt is keen to get mothers back into the workforce before the epidural has fully worn off. In exchange for robbing mothers of the precious infant bond they will never get back, the State is promising 30 hours of ‘free’ childcare for one and two year olds. Say what you like about Hunt, but who else could strip the Victorian workhouse of its natural joie de vivre and remain in post?

Suella Braveman meanwhile is grappling with the toddlers in charge of the Old Bill, placing them firmly on the naughty step until they desist in their ‘Orwellian’ recording of ‘non-crime hate incidents’ – i.e. legal things that the whingerati object to. ‘People are perfectly entitled to say things about politics, gender, and religion that others find offensive,’ said the Home Secretary, following in the footsteps of predecessor Priti Patel as she continues to alienate vast swathes of the Conservative Party, in her misguided attempts at conservatism. Don’t get your hopes up just yet however  – that teacher in Batley is still in hiding two years on, as is the autistic boy from Kettlethorpe High School – rather excessive for a ‘non-crime’ one might have thought. 

Non-crimes are all the rage these days, which explains Joe Biden’s description of the ban on transgender surgery for kids as ‘close to sinful’. Transgender Assistant Secretary of Health, Rachel Levine, concurs, arguing that not only is changing kids’ gender key to their mental health, it’s also key to the Biden administration. It most certainly is – return the White House gender benders to the nursery schools and factories from whence they came, and you wouldn’t be leaving Joe anything to sniff. 

While old-fashioned approaches to gender have not yet been fully eradicated, the ray of progressivism keeps shining through. One such light comes from the childcare giant Bright Horizons, who are advising parents to avoid ridiculous strategies such as calling girls ‘princess’ and praising good behaviour. These sentiments were echoed by the Canadian Cancer Society, which has recommended transwomen get screened for cervical cancer – albeit with the trigger warning that nurses may gently enquire: ‘Please could you lift your testicles out the way, I’m afraid I cannot see your cervix.’ 

If it’s not bollocks clogging up the cervical canal it’s cocks blocking up the English Channel, as more desperate young men flee the ravages of their wives, daughters, and war-torn France. With private flats now routinely taken off the market and earmarked for Afghan refugees, and net migration expected to total 1.6 million in the next five years alone, is it any wonder the Tories Illegal Migrant Bill passed the second reading in the Commons 312 to 250? 

If only democracy went quite so smoothly in China. It was another nail-biter of an election in the People’s Republic, as Xi Jinping scraped over the line 2,952 to 0 to an unprecedented third term as President. While unfounded rumours of abstention were quickly silenced after the offending parties were rounded up and shot, human rights activist Kim Jong-un expressed his concerns about the probity of the CCP. Keen to dispel any talk of impropriety amongst other outspoken Liberals, Xi Jinping is set to meet his PR guru, Vladimir Putin in Moscow next week. Putin however has his own problems, after the International Criminal Court issued him an arrest warrant for alleged war crimes in Ukraine. The Russian leader must be shitting himself – surely it’s  not long before the international community hires the Cluedo team to investigate, and the Monopoly board to send him to Jail without passing Go. 

Having dodged the nick for the trifling sum of £12 million, Prince Andrew is clearly on his uppers. Hopes that big brother Charles might spread the wealth after The Queen’s death have been shattered however, leaving Andrew ‘bewildered’ and ‘in despair’. The fact is, King Charles is having to cut corners, after Her Majesty left him a paltry inheritance of £650 million. ‘I haven’t got a Fabergé egg to piss in!’ Charles is rumoured to have said, and if it’s any consolation to Andrew, even Prince Harry is expecting a snub from his stepfather’s will. It’s been a bad week all-round for the nation’s favourite spare prick – not only is Harry allegedly ‘frightened’ of Meghan Markle, but it now appears he will be forced to listen to insufferable excerpts from ‘The Tig’. Nutmeg is threatening to relaunch her wellness blog – giving the plebs  a rare insight on how to make that £100 million stretch a bit further. 

In other news, SNP frontrunner Humza Yousaf has ironically been reported to police for the hate crime of ‘misgendering’ double rapist, Isla Bryson. Bryson is ‘not a genuine trans woman’ and ‘is trying to play the system’ Yousaf claims, but how exactly does he know? Most unfortunately the Hate Crime Bill still hasn’t come into force, which means Yousaf will have to forego the pleasure of indicting himself, at least until he officially becomes SNP leader.

Meanwhile it’s a sad indictment on the state of the NHS, that the Ukrainian healthcare system is still infinitely preferable. Ukrainian refugees requiring urgent attention are reported to be more than happy to make the journey back home. Sure, there’s the odd bomb which might inconvenience your next hospital appointment, but at least you can actually get to see a doctor when you need to. 

Climate alarmist Greta Thunberg has also been inconvenienced that the world did not end in 2023, and had to stoop to deleting her 2018 tweet which predicted it would: 

A top climate scientist is warning that climate change will wipe out all of humanity unless we stop using fossil fuels over the next five years.

You’ve got to hand it to Greta, no one has done more to engender a global catastrophe than she has: weekly bonfires of CFCs in her back garden, and a private jet every time she needs a piss, but still the apocalypse eludes us. These things are notoriously hard to predict, but keep going girl – you’re bound to be right eventually. 

And finally, the disease of wokery appears to have claimed another victim: Oxfam. The charity, founded on the noble cause of ending poverty, is now lecturing staff with a 92-page dossier, instructing workers to avoid ‘colonial’ words like ‘headquarters’, ‘patriarchal’ terms like ‘people’, and offensive language such as ‘local’. The guide even argues ‘mother’ and ‘father’ should be eschewed in favour of ‘parent’. 

Here’s what the Frank Report recommends: Fuck Oxfam; cancel your direct debit today, and take your mother out for lunch. Sure, she might lecture you on your couture, your woeful choice of spouse or your gift choice, but unlike most she’s earned that right. 

That was Frank’s Week

Take care of yourselves, and especially your mothers.