The Frank report LIII

You asked for it, you got it! Due to public demand (not to mention, unprecedented levels of political imbecility), the Frank Report is making a comeback. So make sure the kettle’s on, the Jaffa Cakes a gogo, strap yourselves in and here we go!

There were two major stories at Westminster this week. The first was the jubilant scenes as Nicola Sturgeon finally relinquished her clutches on Scotland. ‘Ah cannae go on’ she teased the press conference in Edinburgh, before proceeding to give the most interminably dour 17-minute performance in Highland history. The screeching lasted 2,785 words, wherein she managed to reference herself 153 times, while giving just 11 nods to Scotland. The most ardent advocate of Scottish independence would surely concede Sturgeon’s tenure as First Minister dragged on a wee bit. By the end of the speech however, I suspect even William Wallace would be enthusiastically tearing out his own innards rather than listen to any more.

Still, who do you replace the old witch with? The field is rather thin. Frontrunners include Humza Yousaf, a lovely chap apoplectic with rage that Scotland, a 96% white nation, has white people in positions of authority. And then there’s Kate Forbes, who holds the rather sensible belief that ‘transwomen’ are essentially men in dresses. Unfortunately for Forbes, she is a practising Christian who honestly opposes same-sex marriage due to her faith. Of course, Yousaf opposes it too (having dodged the vote on gay marriage ‘under so much pressure from the mosque’), while claiming he ‘does not use his faith to legislate’. So basically it’s Allah up against Jesus – and if you don’t know who’s going to win that one, you haven’t been paying attention.

The other big story this week was Rishi Sunak’s cunning plan to cut the 166,000-strong ‘asylum’ backlog. Instead of gunboats in the Channel or deportations, Sunak’s masterstroke is to rebrand illegals as citizens in his ‘non-amnesty’ amnesty. Why didn’t we think of that? To that end, some 12,000 migrants are to be fast-tracked for citizenship, without even undergoing a face-to-face interview. Who are these 12,000 you may ask? Wonderful chaps from Afghanistan, Eritrea, Libya, Syria and Yemen – who rarely stab anyone to death, and even when they do are accepted at the rate of 95%, so why bother with due diligence? If he doesn’t slow down soon, Sunak is sure to run out of toes to shove into his 500 quid Prada loafers, having shot himself in the foot so many times. The electorate hates the policy, especially Tory voters, who are 3:1 against.

Still, not to worry. The lengthy vetting process is going to be replaced by a short questionnaire, craftily designed to trip up those ISIS fighters masquerading as refugees. Thanks to anonymous sources, The Frank Report has seen an early copy. Questions include the following:

Have you ever been a member of ISIS (Yes / No)
Are you sure? (Yes / No)
Are you a member of a criminal gang? (Yes / No)
If ‘Yes’, did you make sure to chuck your passport in the Channel? (Yes / No, I’ll go and do it now)
If a General Election were called tomorrow, how would you vote? (Labour / LibDem / Far-right scum)
What is your opinion of Shamima Begum? (Snog / Marry / Avoid)

Speaking of Shammy, there was bad news this week as her appeal to return to Britain was once again rejected. While conservatives unnecessarily fixate on her penchant for severed heads, they overlook her charity work in Syria, her popular podcast with the BBC, and her Mother of the year award three years in succession. Still, the future’s bright for Begum. While her Only Fans account continues to attract tens of thousands of subscribers from Tower Hamlets, the Westminster rumour mill suggests that PM-in-waiting Keir Starmer is keen to give her the new cabinet post of ISIS outreach officer, with plans to fast-track her back to Blighty by self-identifying as Albanian.

Speaking of self-identifying, Puffin Books (which used to identify as a publisher) has decided to sanitise the Roald Dahl canon in a bid to ‘eliminate words deemed inappropriate’, and to ‘cut potentially offensive language’ – to be honest, I’m surprised that leaves him with more than the odd pronoun. This ghastly cacophony now accompanies future editions:

Words matter. The wonderful words of Roald Dahl can transport you to different worlds and introduce you to the most marvellous characters. This book was written many years ago and so we regularly review the language to ensure that it can continue to be enjoyed by all today.

Translation: Netflix have just paid us $686 million, and no one who’s seen the state of Harry needs Meghan nagging in their earhole incessantly.

While Puffin has been forced into an embarrassing u-turn under the weight of public disgust, they’re not the only ones playing this game. ‘Racist’ language has also been removed from the James Bond books by Ian Fleming, on the advice of ‘sensitivity readers’. Sterilising works of art and meddling with genius you couldn’t begin to replicate is like replacing Monet with Damian Hirst, and claiming what you lose in beauty you gain in less discriminatory ink splats. On the plus side, I can’t wait for the sensitivity readers to give us the snowflake version of The Koran – that should come in about the size of a postage stamp.

Stamping out racism has come a long way, but we’re still fighting thanks to that detestable white working-class, which refuses to stop flaunting its privilege. At last however, those in authority are taking the challenge of this group seriously. While less than 3% of Cambridge University students are white working-class, naturally that’s still far too many. Cambridge is taking the only reasonable step it can, specifically blocking these students from applying for courses. Not before time.

Then there was the ‘far-right’ protest in Knowsley, as members of the public dared object to 25-year-old child migrants harassing their 15-year-old daughters for their phone number. I don’t know what the matter is with some people – it’s not like illegals are coming here, pretending to be children, and then raping girls at schools is it? Well, it is, but fortunately the victims of the rape are white working-class girls – and what the hell are they doing protesting the government’s streamlined national curriculum? The ‘three R’s’ were a bit much for some, so they’ve been subsumed into a convenient ‘one R’ – rape. Thankfully the protesters have finally been suspended by Astor School in Dover, clearly causing distress to those poor Afghan ‘boys’.

In other news, four Wakefield students have been suspended for ‘damage’ to a Koran (a slight tear and light scuffing), although it’s more than possible the pupils were simply trying to give the book a ‘sensitive edit’. Half of Brits apparently want to emigrate, and while Australia, Spain and Italy feature high on the list of desired destinations, Albania’s pretty nice this time of year too – at least you’re unlikely to be disturbed by the locals.

Britain’s most unflickable bogey, Tony Blair, is now demanding mandatory digital ID’s on the basis that it would facilitate access to services and allow the government to better understand public needs (translation: make it easier to censor you, fire you, and close your bank account whenever necessary).

The Church of England is considering giving God a woke makeover, replacing Our Father (he/him) with they/them pronouns. Church attendance has almost halved in 30 years, with 2,000 churches closing their doors in the last decade. But if anything can encourage bums back onto pews, this is surely it.

And finally, The Lord of the Rings is about to get a reboot thanks to Warner Bros. You might think grossing nearly $6 billion, Peter Jackson’s trilogy would have been an end to it. But while visually stunning, Jackson clearly didn’t understand the importance of social justice. Industry insiders have confirmed to The Frank Report that the latest incarnation is set to focus on Gollum: a misunderstood transwoman who hasn’t yet lost ‘his precious’, but spends three hours in Middle Earth trying really hard give it away. We wish him/her/them well!

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, whatever mental illness they’re trying to inflict on you.