The Frank Report XXIX

The nation’s attention may have switched to the Commonwealth Games this week, but the Frank Report remains concerned with the uncommon wealth vying for the keys to Downing Street. The Red Wall’s favourite billionaire, Rishi Sunak, may need to work a little on his ‘man of the people shtick’, but so too it seems does Liz Truss – whose four and a half quid earrings from Claire Accessories failed to conceal her £8.4M fortune.

Nonetheless, heavyweight bank balances are likely to be the least of these lightweights’ problems. The Tory leadership contest has now been whittled down to single combat between two of the most unappealing, non-conservative would-be PMs in living memory. Liz Truss appears to bore voters marginally less than Fishy Rishi (YouGov suggests a whopping 50% manage to keep their eyes open while Liz is speaking, compared to the 39% Sunak is able to keep compos mentis).

Seeing as some pundits are giving Rishi a mere 10% chance of victory, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer has been forced onto the front foot of his 500 nicker suede shoes. Rather surprisingly, he has decided to focus his ire upon Muslim rape gangs (although naturally he had the good taste to use the accepted euphemism):

‘I want to talk to you as a dad, and as a husband. And like any parent, husband, grandparent, or decent person for that matter, I want my family to live without fear. Instead, it is grooming gangs and those who prey on the vulnerable that have been allowed to operate freely in this country, without fear of reprisal.’

What Sunak fails to mention is that he played no small part in the Conservative government which has turned a blind eye to this for the past 12 years – nothing to write home about. At least the Labour Party managed to milk a few Muslim votes in exchange for the thousands of working-class, ‘white slags’ whose abuse they aided and abetted. 

In desperation, team Sunak has been forced to play the race card – ‘The UK will be seen as racist if voters reject Rishi Sunak’ argues Lord Ranger. But surely that said same UK will be equally misogynistic if it fails to elect the Tories third female Prime Minister? Besides which, if you’re pinning your election hopes on not being white, you might find the Labour Party more accommodating. 

Team Truss meanwhile has got the misogyny card on standby, promising to outlaw catcalling and wolf-whistling if she wins. If that’s really the best Liz can do, conservative electors might as well vote for Diane Abbott, who guarantees much the same without the need for further legislation.

If the Tory leadership hasn’t quite driven you into a coma, the list of things queuing up to kill you certainly should. ‘It’s no longer feasible to be a full time GP’ lament family doctors, who are having to spend 20% of their time doing paperwork. With the other 80% already earmarked for TikTok videos, that doesn’t leave much time for consultation. 

Still no matter, NHS or no NHS we’ll all be dead soon anyway. The World Health Organisation has just appointed ‘Stalin’s Nanny’ (professor Susan Michie) to the top job. This is the same loveable lass who wanted to impose masks and lockdown indefinitely. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the monkeypox has finally managed to kill someone – more than sufficient grounds for WHO to declare a national health emergency. In addition, WHO is urging the public to reduce their number of sexual partners. I’m not sure what that means for those of us whose sexual activity flatlined decades ago, but presumably pocket billiards is now off the table?

Health alarmism is a crowded field, with the panickers-in-chief finally discovering a game they’re good at. New Zealand’s answer to Rosa Klebb, Jacinda Ardern, is proposing a law that would mean teenagers could never buy their own cigarettes. An eye-bleeding virus with a 30 percent death rate has reached Western Europe (Crimean-Congo haemorrhagic fever, in case you’re curious), up to 300,000 Brits are apparently ‘unaware they may have a potentially deadly heart condition’, and experts warn thousands of people could die prematurely because they drank heavily during lockdown, and have not managed to cut back since. 

As Covid cases fall, scientists warn an Autumn wave will be bigger than anything we’ve seen so far. In the interests of inclusivity, the benefits of cannibalism are now also in the discussion – one simply hopes any budding Hannibal Lectors out there don’t get Covid from unvaccinated victims. And ‘falling asleep with the TV on could bring early death’ – none of which of course has anything to do with ‘vaccines’. 

In the unlikely event that all of this doesn’t finish us off, China has the ace up its sleeve with a huge rocket left ‘in orbit’ now set to crash into Earth. Unfortunately, thanks to extreme space weather we can’t be certain exactly when this will happen. Plans are afoot however to launch Greta Thunberg up to nag it to death, which is some consolation surely? 

It’s hard to find anyone more contemptible than the vaccine Nazis, but the British Police are certainly in the running. Taxpayers got good value for money this week, with the entire British constabulary wanking each other off at Pride events across the country. A few eunuchs however did manage to tear themselves away from the Pound Shop police porn, to attend something more hardcore – the arrest of Harry Miller. What was this most heinous of crimes, you ask, which obstructed the gayification of police officers? The sharing of a Facebook post depicting Pride flags arranged into a swastika. That asteroid cannot come soon enough. 

In gender issues it’s not just free speech being permanently shut down, but in a surprise move this week so was the Tavistock Gender Identity Development Service for Children and Adolescents (GIDS). Tavistock, who were diagnosing gender dysphoria with the enthusiasm of Jimmy Savile let loose at the school gates, were so overzealous even their own side noticed. 

Meanwhile LGBTQwerty advocates, Stonewall, may also have shot themselves in the trans cock this week, when they tweeted the following:

Research suggests that children as young as 2 recognise their trans identity. Yet, many nurseries and schools teach a binary understanding of pre-assigned gender.

After the inevitable backlash, they tried to backtrack with this:

On Friday we put out a tweet that was unclear, relating to gender stereotypes and nursery age children, leading some supporters to ask us what we meant.

The rough translation of which is as follows: ‘Demanding two-year-olds be brainwashed into thinking they’re ‘trans’ was a step too far even for us. Please don’t cut our £multi-million government funding.’

And Archbishop of cant, Justin Welby, was forced to allow Anglican bishops to reject the Lambeth Calls statement on sexuality – that marriage is ‘between a man and a woman’. In fairness, it’s hard for the Church to get a stiffy over this one, not when they’ve been getting stiff with the choirboys for centuries.

With the criminal abuse of children now state-mandated, if you’re still struggling to get your legover there are alternate avenues out there. The latest fetish appears to be ‘tree-hugging’, which was exposed by our man on the inside, the one and only Roger Watson. One cannot help worry about the lack of arboreal consent however, and it is surely only a matter of time before the #Treetoo movement gets going. 

In racism, the bands of acceptable discourse are ever-narrowing. Consider the following two statements: A) It’s OK to be white, and B) Hey straight white men, pass the power! One of these is an artwork commissioned by the Artichoke Trust, thanks to a £3M government grant, the other is a hate crime – ten points if you can identify which is which (the gulag if you cannot). 

Cricket Scotland has been found to be ‘institutionally racist’ – can you imagine the uproar if they were not? Most unfortunately however, Dr Tony Sewell has had his honorary degree from Nottingham University rescinded, after chairing a report for the government which concluded there was no evidence the UK is institutionally racist – didn’t he understand the brief?

In other news, Jess Phillips has revealed her ‘heart died with pride’ when she first heard her son swear. An unusual reaction to ‘Mum, why are you such a c***?’, but I suppose we all spoil our children one way or another. 

Former ISIS pin-up, Shamima Begum, is making another bid to return to Britain, claiming she ‘wants to be as British as possible’. A suicide vest and a Sadiq Khan endorsed switchblade should do the trick of course, though she might want to buy those on Amazon after taking the Home Office’s ‘Dinghy across the Channel’ limousine service.  

And finally, Ghislaine Maxwell is being moved to a low-security federal prison in Florida, where she’ll be making 15 cents an hour scrubbing toilets. I confess, I thought Meghan Markle’s make-up artist would get more than that, but I guess we’re all feeling the pinch these days aren’t we?

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whichever supervirus they’ve got lined up for you next.