Tree hugging. What the hell next? 

A friend messaged me to say there was a report on the BBC News website about a tree hugging contest recently held in Scotland. I thought it was a joke and checked that the date was not April 1st. Then I checked Google, and it turned out to be true. To be precise, the inaugural Scottish Tree Hugging Championships were held over the weekend of 23 and 24 July at Ardtornish on Lochaber’s Morvern peninsula. Do check the BBC News website for the report, accompanied by pictures of people…hugging trees.

But this is not just any old tree hugging, it is a competition with three aspects to it, and I quote verbatim:

• Speed Hugging: Most trees hugged in one minute. In a clearly marked area, hugging as many trees as possible in one minute, each hug lasting a minimum of five seconds
• Dedication: Most dedicated hug (showing presence, intention, love, respect etc.) of a specific tree of the participant’s choice, lasting a maximum of one minute
• Freestyle: Most creative hug. Style open to participant’s own interpretation, one tree only, lasting a maximum of one minute

There are a great many pointless activities and I have been prone to participating in a few of these myself such as rock-climbing and caving. In fact, most sports are pointless. But, in the hierarchy of pointlessness, this one surely takes pole position.

Knock yourself out tree huggers, but I am not convinced there is a point other than an obvious political and environmental one here. I am sure that His Royal Wokeness the Highness of Cornwall would approve. In fact, I can just see him up there in Ardtornish kilt-clad and hugging trees as creatively as he can. Mind you, with a choice between Camilla Barking-Poles and a tree, I would be tempted to hug the tree.

Tree hugging originated in Finland during lockdown (Covid gets blamed for a lot, doesn’t it?). I know Finland well and have worked there extensively in the south, the middle and the far north. It’s a beautiful place but there isn’t a great deal to do. That partly explains the excessive drinking despite the ludicrously eye-watering price of alcohol. Finland is the only place where I have seen a woman buy a pint of beer, walk over to a man, pour the pint over his head and walk out of the bar. The man carried on drinking his pint and at £7.50 who could blame him?

The other thing they do—uniquely—in Finland is to eat tar. Seriously, they are so bored out of their Scandinavian skulls that they experiment with all manner of ghastly foods, and I have visited one restaurant which sold, exclusively, tar-based dishes. Verdict? It smelled and tasted exactly like tar, was completely inedible and I had the taste of tar in my mouth for days. As you can see, this is fertile soil for the development of something as stupid as a tree hugging championship. And we had to go and import it.

And the political point? My guess is this is simply an idiotic offshoot of the green movement. I can predict with certainty that the kind of people who participate in serious tree hugging are the same people who glue themselves to roads and chain themselves to buildings in the name of the ‘climate emergency’. The real point it to get across the idea that trees are good, and humans are bad. If only we hugged more trees, we would be better people. I suppose if they occupy themselves in this way, they are not actually gluing themselves to roads or disrupting our lives in other ways. But I see problems ahead for the tree huggers.

Some people, for example, our future King (God ‘elp us all) think that plants have feelings and that talking to them helps them to grow. Some even claim to be able to detect trees screaming when they are cut and that plants can communicate their feelings between each other. Surely, if trees are sentient beings, then nobody should be hugging them without their consent. I suspect that the motives of some participants in the tree hugging championship were not exactly environmental, more sexual. If you don’t believe me, check the pictures on the BBC News website; I am sure that some genital-bark contact was being made by both sexes (Editor: ‘sex’ is an olde English word that used to be used to denote the biological difference between people with and without vaginas).

If tree hugging does not die off in the wake of a #treetoo movement and people persist in hugging them, I have had a brainwave. Next time you spot people in the forests of Lochaber in passionate arboreal embraces, strap the buggers to them, pull down their trousers, call the police and tell them ‘There’s been a murder in Maryhill.’ That ought to keep them occupied for a while. Then let the midges do the work.

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.