Sadiq Khan: clean air, dirty switchblades

With the right medication most cancers can be treated. Except in London, where chemotherapy takes a backseat as the NHS labours tirelessly to clear its backlog of TikTok video requests. In protest at the lack of treatment, the public have elected the most malignant tumour mayor. Cue Sadiq Khan, man of the people – the most popular custodian since the mayor of Hamlyn knocked the Pied Piper.

And yet, by hook or by crook the man wins elections – regularly enjoying a 20% lead over his nearest political rival. So the question we must ask ourselves is this: what is it about this man that so endears him to the British public? Perhaps it’s his commitment to selfies? In fact, if you can find me a grime ‘artist’, Black Lives Matter pacifist, feminist eunuch or up-and-coming gangster who hasn’t had their obligatory photo-op with Sadiq, I’ll eat my hat.

It could be his compassion. No one does a finer Twitter cut and paste job than Sadie. In all seriousness, if the mayor isn’t running the gamut of emotion from ‘my thoughts and prayers are with (insert latest stab victim)’ to ‘Londoners will never let anyone divide us’ in the space of any given 24-hours, it’s a sure sign that City Hall is under siege.

Then again, it could be his uncanny ability to grasp the bigger picture (no, of course I don’t mean the inconsequential bit of over-exuberance at the local Aichmomaniacs Club); I mean the real issues. Pay no attention to opinion polls which time and again identify Londoners’ principle concerns as housing, immigration, terrorism, healthcare and crime – Sadiq knows better:

‘Sexual staring’ on the Tube, LGBTQwerty rainbow pedestrian crossings (red colour not needed), ‘Lesbian visibility week’, and his latest wheeze – the war on ‘toxic air’. ‘Every year nearly 4,000 Londoners lose their lives prematurely because of the toxic air they breathe in our city’ claims Khan. ‘These Londoners were at the forefront of my mind when I announced plans to consult on expanding the ultra-low emission zone (Ulez) to the whole of Greater London in 2023’. It’s important to remember that the twelve and a half nicker the mayor wants to charge drivers entering the zone, bears absolutely no relation to his enthusiasm for the plan.

It could simply be his progressive attitude to crime, which is to say ‘anything goes’ – provided it’s the right people doing it. Acid attacks and stabbings, you say? ‘That could take ten years to solve’ replies Khan. Worried about FGM? Don’t – ‘it has no place in our city’ he says (apart from the 2.1% of women estimated to be affected, the highest national prevalence for any city). Concerned about Black Lives Matter smashing up the gaff? Sadiq got there first, but only to ‘express solidarity’.

No. Sadiq is a patient man, but he draws the line at serious crime – ‘far-right protests’. You know, those bastards protecting statues and monuments, because the Old Bill refuse to? ‘Totally unacceptable’ condemns Khan. If Ronnie and Reggie set up a protection racket in 2022, the mayor wouldn’t only fund it; he’d be their PR guru.

Whatever side of the political spectrum you call home, it’s hard to deny Khan’s legacy: lawless London. For comparison, there were 15,928 knife crimes recorded in London by the Office for National Statistics for the year ending March 2020 (the last period before the coronavirus restrictions kicked in) against 9,752 offences in the 12 months to the start of April 2016 (the final leg of Boris Johnson’s tenure at City Hall).

And while Sadiq would love to take credit for the fall in crime during lockdown (even the most hardened criminals find it hard to stab people who refuse to come out to play), the facts are unequivocal: under Khan, robbery is up 59%, knife crime a mere 52%; murders in the Capital are up 25%, and overall, crime has risen five times faster than the rest of the country. Which begs the question: what exactly would Khan have to do to get removed from office – get caught singing the national anthem wholeheartedly?

When he was first elected, Khan ridiculed Boris Johnson’s £200M ‘Garden Bridge’ proposal. ‘You won’t see any vanity projects from me’ he bragged, before releasing plans for his own £400M ‘Bike Bridge’. Other vainglorious non-vanity projects include £250,000 on a statue toppling commission, £1.7 million on water fountains, £13 million lost on a failed junk food ad ban, and £10M to determine the colour of Met Police Officers’ personalities.

No matter how bad things get, he doesn’t care; of course he doesn’t. For one thing, the problems of a global city like London are immense, requiring dispassionate and honest intervention. To deal with crime alone would mean supporting the police, instead of sniping about ‘racist, misogynistic, toxic culture’. It would demand full implementation of stop and search, and dispensing with the charade that crime is committed evenly. None of this remotely appeals to Khan, and his core vote would not thank him if it did.

The mayor has been criticised in the past of running London as his own personal fiefdom, but I don’t think that’s quite right. I think he sees it more as a Zoom background – the entire city could be ablaze, but as long as his face is in full view, he won’t bat an eyelid.

Khan may be as vain as a peacock, but look beneath the plumage and you’ll find all the vigour of erectile dysfunction; the man is all pee and no cock. His claims that ‘keeping Londoners safe is my top priority’, and ‘London is the safest global city in the world’ are so laughably childish, you wonder if his heart is really in them.

I prefer to think of London’s mayor as a poor man’s King Midas – everything he touches turns to shit. His cycle lanes may appease Greta, but they’ve turned London into the world’s most congested city. To his credit, he has figured out a way to monetise ‘toxic air’. What a pity he couldn’t do the same with ‘toxic stabbing’ (unless of course, he brings out his own range of kitchen knives).

The man should really be impeached for negligence. According to the job description, The Mayor’s role is to make London a better place for everyone who visits, lives or works in the city. Khan’s only claim to fulfilling the brief will be if the next stab victim manages to scream their last virtue signal, ‘Protect the NHS!’ before the toxic air kills them.

Sadiq is taking the electorate for a Khant. And with no limit on mayoral terms, there’s every reason to believe he will continue to do so.