The Frank Report XL

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Frank Report, the review that always has its finger on the pulse – and that’s no mean feat, considering the state of the Conservative Party. As the bodycount piles up outside Number 10, the Tories may be more in need of a coroner than a cabinet reshuffle. Yes, Kwasi Kwarteng has fallen on his sword after just 38 days in post, making Jeremy Hunt the fourth Chancellor in three months – pretty good going. Liz Truss did in fact call last night, checking my availability to replace Jeremy next week; I declined regrettably, although I did commend her confidence that he would last that long. 

Nicola Sturgeon may well ‘detest’ the Tories, but nothing like as much as they seem to do themselves. Hunt has always struck me as the kind of smiling arsehole you put in charge of lifeboats on the Titanic – if the ship’s determined to go down, at least he’ll guarantee the smallest possible number of survivors. Unleashing Hunt upon the nation at a time of national crisis is cruel, even for the Tories, and the political cognoscenti have been quick to predict Truss’s eviction well before Christmas. Chief among them are the intellectual heavyweights the Spice Girls, who have taken the unusual step of criticising the PM publicly; Tory HQ must be shitting themselves as the political dynamos of Jedward prepare their verdict. 

Meanwhile in London, it’s business as usual. Just Stop Oil are the latest in a long line of professional agitators, blocking the roads and gluing themselves like soft turds to the pavement, in the forlorn hope of appeasing Sweden’s worst export since IKEA, Greta Thunberg. The Old Bill are unsurprisingly doing sweet F.A., unless you count handing out water and taking orders for coffee as obsequiously as possible. 

In response to public anger, new Chief of the Metropolitan Police, Sir Mark Rowley, has claimed the group are not passing the legal test of causing ‘serious disruption’, despite fire engines and ambulances with blue lights being detained, and hundreds of protestors being arrested. It’s hard to argue however, that the police inertia is unconnected to the political persuasion of the protestors. If you doubt that, try blocking the highways in a ‘White Lives Matter’ or ‘Transwomen Aren’t Women’ T-shirt next week, and see how you get on.

It’s also business as usual for Sadiq Khan, the worst burgermeister since the mayor of Hamelin knocked the Pied Piper. This week’s highpoint was the triple stabbing in Bishopsgate. Thanks to the even more conspicuous absence of police, members of the public attempted to stop a robbery, and got put in intensive care for their trouble. True to form, Sadie was keen to put a positive spin on the situation:

The good news is, it’s not a terror attack. And another piece of good news is the three victims of the stabbing are not in life-threatening situations, thank God. But it’s just a reminder of the dangers of carrying the knife.

Quite right. There’s always the danger that some idiot will leave their neck lying about and get your switchblade into trouble. Luckily for Khant, that was nothing compared to the medieval violence witnessed on the streets of Yorkshire this week, as balaclava-clad machete wielding teens sliced a man’s hand off, leaving it ‘twitching on the ground’. Politicians were quick to condemn the attacks, apart from the Labour Party, who suggested the hand was still good enough to vote with. 

Meanwhile, you’ve got to hand it to all the attention-seeking bastards hot for armageddon. Joe Biden has donated a week’s worth of Hunter’s cocaine budget to the cause, sending $750M in weapons to Ukraine. In response to NATO expansion, Russia has issued warnings of WWIII, and North Korea has claimed missile tests leave them ready to destroy South Korea (if Lil’ Kim bashes one off next week and the Frank Report fails to materialise, you know why!)

Speaking of oblivion, with any luck the Covid jabs will wipe us all out before the mushroom cloud has a chance. Experts believe women who contracted COVID-19 during their pregnancy face complications, alongside an elevated risk of stillbirths – but still claim vaccination can help prevent this! 

These are the self-same vaccines known to affect the menstrual cycle, the self-same vaccines the Pfizer director just admitted were never tested on preventing transmission (you remember that bullshit about protecting the NHS?), the self-same vaccines the Surgeon General in Florida has just said significantly increase the risk of death from heart problems especially among 18-39 year-old males, and the self-same vaccines that could trigger heart attacks in children playing video games. But do go and get that sixth, seventh, eighth booster shot – with a record seven million patients waiting to start treatment at the NHS, you might as well start queuing now.

Queuing up for a bit of racism are the honkies at the University of Westminster, who’d love to attend Black History Month, if only they hadn’t been banned by the Students’ Union on account of their white privilege. They should have signed up for the University of Minnesota Medical School, which requires students pledge to fight ‘colonialism’ and ‘the gender binary’. Good luck if you ever get treated by a doctor from that neck of the woods, but on the upside, at least when their medical malpractice kills you, it will do so in an anti-racist way. 

Not racist in any way, shape or form are the British government, who are busily stashing illegals Channel migrants in stately homes the length and breadth of the country, in a bid to avoid the public noticing them. An uphill struggle you’d think, not least because over 35,000 are known to have dinghied their way into 5-star accommodation this year, and thanks to the owner of the Camelot Castle Hotel, John Mappin, who revealed the Home Office offered him £1M to turn it into a gimmegrant B&B. 

It’s no wonder the ‘ruthless’ people smugglers are charging penniless migrants £2,800 to cross the Channel, but they clearly aren’t in it with the French border force, who manage to bleed £54M from the exchequer every couple of weeks whenever their stash of truffles and Château Lafite starts running a bit low.  

Fifty-four million is a drop in the ocean when it comes to cancel culture – you know that thing the left claims doesn’t exist? Getting a taste of their own medicine this week are PayPal, who decided the ever-narrowing Overton Window was a great excuse to charge its customers $2,500 every time they stepped outside it and spread misinformation. Unfortunately they came up against the Free Speech Union which doesn’t really like being pushed about, and thanks to public outrage, 6% was wiped off the PayPal share price. Naturally the threat was made ‘in error’, but it’s funny how the errors only ever work one-way, and are only retracted after a backlash, ain’t it?

Racking up a serious misinformation bill is Alex Jones, who has been fined $1Bn for false claims about the Sandy Hook mass shooting. All well and good you might say, but what price tag do you place on the misinformation spread by Covid mandates, lockdown enthusiasts, anti-Brexit saboteurs, and white privilege race-baiters? Answers on a postcard please.

Meanwhile Hollywood woke-flick ‘Bros’, a gay romantic comedy, has proved a flaccid flop at the Box Office. Everyone from the director to the actors place the blame on ‘homophobic’ straights, who have stiffly refused to see the film. I must confess I am shocked to see a storyline pitched to five percent of the population is not garnering universal acclaim. Perhaps it should be mandatory viewing?

Speaking of bros, girls with cocks are about to become a permanent feature of the political landscape as Eddie Izzard launches her his campaign to become an MP. The omens are good for Izzard, as a poll of 2019 Labour voters showed overwhelming support (61 percent to 18) in favour of transwomen being allowed on all-women shortlists. Let’s hope the Parliamentary Labour Party can fluff him up sufficiently. 

Meanwhile, a Harvard children’s hospital has claimed ‘Babies know in the womb if they’re transgender’ – reassuring news for Trans charity ‘Mermaids’, which is under investigation after ‘concerns’ were raised by a watchdog. Personally I don’t know what the fuss is about, all Mermaids have done is send chest binders to underage girls without parental consent, promoted harmful surgical procedures to children, and hired trustees with links to paedophile groups. 

It’s getting tough for the LGBTQwerty community in Britain, but if you fancy a break you can always spend a few days somewhere more enlightened – how about popping over to Qatar for the World Cup? Thanks to reassurances from chief executive, Nasser Al Khater, the gay community will feel nothing but ‘welcome and safe while visiting’, right up until they’re launched progressively off the buildings. 

In other news, Britons have been warned to post their Christmas parcels well in advance as Royal Mail strikes ‘could easily spiral’ into the festive season. Anything posted later than June probably won’t get there on time then, and that’s assuming you paid the usual ‘recorded delivery’ bribe to encourage posties to actually deliver your post.

Post-40 is a traumatic time as most women will tell you, with diets, exercise and alcohol all common coping strategies. In Madonna’s case it’s a religion, adopted child and sexuality for each day of the week. At 64 you’d think the old girl would have slowed down a bit, but credit to her – this week, in a bid to stay relevant she’s come out as gay. Up till now I’ve never understood which template Meghan Markle used for her chronic narcissism, but now I think I’ve cracked it – she’s modelling herself on Madonna, minus the talent obviously. 

There was genuinely sad news from the world of showbiz, as Robbie Coltrane passed away at the age of 72, cause of death unknown. Despite enjoying a glittering career, Coltrane always seemed to eschew Hollywood, remaining someone you’d want to have a drink with. His classic roles include Fitz in Cracker and Hagrid in Harry Potter, but my personal favourite will always be playing alongside Eric Idle in ‘Nuns on the Run’, allowing him to deliver the immortal lines:

Idle: ‘Annunciation, isn’t it a classy word for ‘announcement?’ 

Coltrane: ‘Yes…if you are the Angel of the Lord and you are declaring to the Virgin Mary she’s about to conceive by the Holy Ghost and have an immaculate conception.

But not, Brian, not because you want a private shower, because you are pretending to be a nun and you’re frightened the other nuns might see your DICK!’

Slightly less sadly missed will be some of Damian Hirst’s paintings, which he torched  earlier this week. Not to worry Damo, you’ve probably doubled their value. Doubling down on their determination to be offended by everything are Generation Z, who currently claim it’s ‘never appropriate’ to use the thumbs up emoji as they find it ‘hostile’. Notably, they’ve got no problem with the thumb up the arse emoji. 

The UK government has warned residents of possible three-hour blackouts, or Justin Trudeau medley’s as Canadians fondly refer to them. And finally, surgically enhanced ‘super vaginas’ are the latest celebrity must-have this Christmas. Endorsers claim they are now ‘so tight, it squeaks when I walk’ – which is lucky, I was worried I had James O’Brien and Owen Jones stalking me. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever squeaks when you walk these days. 

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Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor