The Frank Report XVIII

It’s been a bit of a Khant-heavy week, as London Mayor Sadiq flew to the US to ‘bang the drum’ for London. While discerning Americans might consider that an ungracious reference to Hilary Clinton, it was tremendously public-spirited nonetheless; he did also acquire some magnificent selfies while he was there, which may compensate him for his trouble. During the trip, Khan clearly felt the need to boost his Twitter profile, as he made a series of pronouncements slightly beyond his pay-grade. 

The Mayor is ‘deeply concerned to hear reports that women in Afghanistan will be forced to wear a veil. These men in power should concern themselves with keeping women and girls safe, not policing what they wear’ he tweeted. Naturally, Khan will be aiming to highlight this issue to the faithful back in London, just as soon as they organise another segregated rally for him to attend. The Mayor is also determined to legalise cannabis (what’s the difference, when you’ve already legalised stabbing?) He blames Trump for the ‘sharp rise in abuse’ he has suffered (of course), and claims ‘the West’s battle against the far-right will define the century’. 

We could spend all day discussing Britain’s answer to King Midas (everything he touches turns to shit), but sadly there isn’t time. Speaking of Khants though, at Westminster Keir Starmer must have gotten the all-clear from Durham Police, as both he and Deputy Leader Angela Rayner have promised to step down, should they be fined for attending the Labour Party ‘party that wasn’t a party’ party. What a man of integrity. 

Stepping down no time soon however, is Her Majesty the Queen; currently busying herself with preparations for her Platinum Jubilee. If you ever wonder why Liz hasn’t stepped down just four years shy of her centenary, it could have something to do with the fact that ‘teetering on the edge’ of becoming Prince Regent is the tree-hugging, Islam-appeasing, cow-muzzling, weak-chinned dauphin, Charlie boy. And as any monarch who’s spent 70 years on the throne will tell you, there are some problems the nation just doesn’t need right now. 

Speaking of problems the nation doesn’t need, Prince William may also have stumbled down the primrose path of wokery as he recently opened a BAFTA segment on climate change, stating that ‘the planet is on fire’. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that this is the reason he was booed by the crowd at the FA cup final. William would do well to remember that Harry’s brush with woke wankery (or Meghan as she prefers to be called) didn’t exactly end well for him. 

Speaking of Meghan and Harry, the pair are reported to be ‘slowly receding from the spotlight’ according to a royal author. Banned from the royal balcony during the Queen’s Jubilee, the camera-shy couple were typically circumspect in their repost that they ‘didn’t want to be on the balcony anyway’. There was some good news for the gruesome twosome this week however, as James Corden broke protocol to declare he is a huge fan of Harry and Meghan, and ‘will always be in their corner’. With friends like that, eh?

Other Khants jockeying for position this week include BLM co-founder, Patrisse Cullors, who admits she lied about using the group’s $6M LA mansion for business only. This might go some way to explaining new research that black people are more likely to feel lonely than the general population – why not, when everyone pretending to care about you just milks you for a few quid and does a runner? In the meantime, if you see David Lammy, Diane Abbott and Lenny Henry before I do, give them a hug from me. 

Then there’s the Khants at Calvin Klein, the company that made their name using attractive white models, until they discovered that unattractive, obese black models were more lucrative. 2022 has seen another boardroom volte-face, as CK hired a ‘pregnant man’ to promote the brand on Mother’s Day. I confess I used to like Calvin Klein underwear, but if my beergut is going to be used to question my gender, I think I might have to give them a miss. 

In these days of gender uncertainty, it’s men it seems who are facing all the sexual harassment. Try being Tony Finn, former British Bung electrician, who was unfairly dismissed in 2021. An employment tribunal ruled that the phrase ‘bald cunt’ used by his supervisor constituted unwanted sexual harassment. Can I just say, while I am nowhere near as far down the road to baldness as Mr Finn, my limits for sexual harassment are substantially higher, and any women wishing to come and have a go are more than welcome.

In global news, the first 50 illegals awaiting dispatch to Rwanda have been told they will be shipped within two weeks – more problems with Amazon Prime presumably. And North Korea has finally had an outbreak of Covid, which Kim Jong-Un has branded a ‘great disaster’ for the country. Anonymous North Korean sources contacted us to say that while routine famine, grinding poverty, and zero rights were acceptable, having to put up with bullshit Covid regulations in-line with third world banana republics like Britain, were frankly ‘taking the piss’. 

They say bad news always comes in threes, but perhaps twos is more appropriate this week. There are now two strains of Omicron heading out of South Africa as ‘variants for concern’ (just in time, I’d almost forgotten about it). There are now also two cases of monkeypox in Britain. And both Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin seem to be suffering from brain aneurysm and dementia respectively – I warned you not to get those AstraZeneca vaccines, boys.

In other news the Ukraine has won the Eurovision song contest, with Britain a respectable second place – putting to bed once and for all the notion that this is in any way a politically-motivated propaganda exercise. All those years embarrassing ourselves with ‘nul points’, if only we’d known we just had to bankrupt ourselves ‘not fighting a war against Russia’, and we’d have been laughing.  

And finally, it is with great regret that we acknowledge the passing of Dennis Waterman, who died in Spain at the age of 74. I don’t do celebrities as a rule, but in Waterman’s case I shall make an exception. Dennis was a staple of my childhood, taking lead roles in classic dramas such as The Sweeney and Minder. It is some comfort to think (if heaven has a Winchester Club), Glynn Edwards will be pulling the pints as we speak, and George Cole will be welcoming him in with a ‘Terry!’ any minute now. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and try not to be too much of a Khant – even though everyone else is.