Welcome to this week’s Frank Report, where in a break from tradition the UK constabularies have actually decided to do their jobs. After a damning report found the Old Bill are solving the lowest proportion of crimes ever (less than six percent), the MET Police are wheeling out stop and
Welcome to another Sunday edition of the Frank Report, where regrettably the laughs are a bit thin on the ground. I suggest a large pot of tea and an inexhaustible supply of Jammy Dodgers; if you’re ready, off we go! This week’s main story was the decision of the nation’s
Also making the news was the Caliph of Londonistan, Sadiq Khan (peas be upon him), who is determined that the State provide free school meals to every primary school pupil in London from September. ‘The cost of living crisis means families and children across our city are in desperate need of additional support’ said the mayor. When it was pointed out to him that there wasn’t anything ‘free’ or ‘ethical’ about taxing families on the breadline to feed the children of millionaires, Khan is rumoured to have replied ‘It’s only £130M ffs, that’s not even a week’s worth of transgender propaganda!’
There was an interesting incursion into the free speech debate this week, as Taliban leader Anas Haqqani appeared to endorse Elon Musk over Mark Zuckerberg. ‘Twitter doesn’t have an intolerant policy like Meta’ Haqqani wrote, while live-streaming his latest bombing. ‘Sure, we cut people’s hands off and burn them alive if they step out of line, but at least we don’t harvest their data’.
It’s been a bumper week for Britain, as the nation’s premier sacred cow celebrated her 75th birthday (no, not Diane Abbott you bastards!), our glorious NHS; the envy of the world. It’s unclear what sort of gift a grateful nation should bequeath a septuagenarian recluse on her last legs, but
In a move branded ‘genius’ by City Hall insiders, loveable Londoner, mayor Sadiq Khan, has promised to slash knife crime by issuing his own range of ‘peaceful’ switchblades. ‘Knife crime is caused by discrimination’ Khan confidently told The Guardian this week. ‘It’s unfair that not everyone can afford the latest zombie knife – that is, after all, essentially what knives are – a fashion statement. If everyone’s carrying the same shank, they won’t feel the need to use it’.
Ramadan special edition of the Frank Report, where Sadiq Khan has lit up London with 30,000 sustainable lights rather than the customary suicide bombers: “They’re not as flashy, sure” conceded the mayor, “but they require less paperwork, and at least we can recycle them”.
Welcome to this Mother’s Day edition of the Frank Report: a tribute to every woman navigating the choppy waters of maternity without the aid of a penis. Genital aids can come in handy however, which is why Prime Minster Rishi keeps his Jeremy Hunt stashed close by in Number 11
If the Carry On team had ever dipped their toes into politics, they could have done worse than Carry On Conservative. Imagine ultra-liberal Prime Minister Kenneth Williams, masquerading as a Tory; Hattie Jacques as Home Secretary, coquettishly insisting ‘nothing gets past her’ as the swarthy young men squeeze round in
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