The Frank Report XXVI

As a rule of thumb, the Frank Report endeavours to cover all the major stories from the past week. The resignation of Boris Johnson however, does require a little more than a paragraph. As the nation bids farewell to Bozza, stabbed in the back more times than a Julius Caesar understudy, we reflect on his legacy which is likely to be that he ate cake. It didn’t have to be this way. 

Cakegate is of course merely the pretext, for the far greater crime Johnson has committed. Theresa May pretended not to know what Brexit meant; under Boris, the Tories have pretended not to know what conservatism means. In fact, the Conservative Party should be sued under the Trade Descriptions Act for misappropriation of the name. 

Had Boris had the wit to follow a conservative mandate – what the nation clearly instructed at the ballot box in 2019, he would still be enjoying a 20-point lead over a non-opposition which doesn’t know what a woman is. Starmer’s Labour is criminally unelectable, except as a protest vote – which is now almost certainly what they will get in on. 

Instead of the vaguest hint of right-wing policy, hen-pecked in ways Prince Harry could only dream of, Boris has let his wife run the Party since Cummings departure, and it shows: Net Zero, an embrace of wokery, high taxes, borders left undefended, talk of ‘toxic masculinity’ – what a joke!

And yet, who do you replace him with? There is no marquee name anywhere across the benches. Had the Tories a Farage on-board, a Michael Portillo, even Maggie six feet under would probably elicit more confidence from the electorate than most of the shitshower that have already, or are rumoured to be throwing their hats into the ring. 

Early favourite, Ben Wallace, has ruled himself out of the running. Former chancellor, Rishi Sunak, presided over the highest inflation for 40 years, and is a billionaire who refuses to cut taxes for the plebs – the leadership he might win; an election he won’t. Penny Mordaunt looks and sounds the part, one might even say Thatcheresque – until you realise she’s on-board the trans train. No one who pretends to believe so fundamental a lie (and wants to coerce you into the bargain) can be taken seriously. Tom Tugendhat is a staunch remainer with no cabinet or shadow cabinet experience. Jeremy Hunt is the only man on earth who makes watching paint dry look racy. And on and on it goes. 

And yes, you might say what about Suella Braverman and Kemi Badenoch? Certainly they tick a lot of boxes that box-tickers like to see ticked. Yes, they are making all the right noises – but we’ve heard it all before. Remember when the Home Office was going to get tough on illegal immigration? Besides, at 42, they may be too young to win the leadership, even if they might fair better with the electorate two years down the line. 

All of which, in short, suggests the Tories are bound to pick the wrong candidate (largely, because there is no right candidate), and merely keep the seat warm for Keir – a man so devoid of substance you could bottle his essence in a vacuum. 

There have been other stories this week, and we must drag ourselves away from Tory turmoil to deal with them. At Westminster it’s been a litigation heavy parliamentary session, as Sadiq Khan is under investigation for breaking electoral rules, and David Lammy has caught the eye of the parliamentary standards commissioner for failing to declare financial interests. Naturally nothing will happen to Sadie and Lamster – they’re the good guys right, and presumably will be met with all the investigative rigour of Durham Police. 

Meanwhile, intellectual genius and Countdown aficionado, Diane Abbott, couldn’t resist putting the boot in to Boris; accusing him of hypocrisy over Chris Pincher when she claimed the Prime Minister was ‘rumoured to like assaulting women’. Of course darling Diane knows whereof she speaks – her own son’s hobbies include chasing her with scissors, biting police officers, battering nurses, and generally assaulting therapists and police whenever he comes into contact with them. We must be ever-vigilant to rumours. 

Apart from Diane Abbott’s son, the list of things more likely to kill you than the Covid vaccine is growing at an alarming rate. Gardeners have been warned to steer clear of soil, as it ‘increases the risk of killer heart disease’. Air pollution ‘may lead to heart attack within an hour’. Menopausal women are now mysteriously faced with an ‘increased risk of cardiovascular diseases’. And socks could now be killing you, with ‘sock lines around the ankles an early sign of heart disease’. So if you’re a 50-something woman gardening in London this year in your socks, don’t make any plans for dinner.

As usual, the authorities are asking all the right questions. Doctors are suggesting GP practices should drop Mr and Mrs titles in waiting rooms, to be more inclusive. Justine Trudeau has had the latest Covid booster (what number are we on now, it’s hard to keep up?), telling Canadians they will be required to get a booster every nine months to remain ‘up-to-date’. And The Guardian asks ‘Uk Covid cases are rising – should we wear masks again?’ There’s only one word for that: wankers. 

Gayness naturally is perennially in need of a booster, and never mores so than among the superhero fraternity. Thankfully Superman, Iceman, Poison Ivy and Batwoman no longer have to carry the LGBTQwerty can alone, joined as they are by the stunning and brave Spiderman, who has just come out as gay. Perhaps they should start a family together?

Britain’s most famous family have been taking it easy this week, with Her Majesty reportedly placed on ‘light duties’. It seems a bit strong forcing a 96-year-old woman up the stepladder whenever a bulb blows at Buckingham Palace, but I suppose the cost of living crisis is getting to everyone. Her Majesty was at least allowed the odd tea break, where she is rumoured to have commented that there has been ‘enough drama’ surrounding Harry and Meghan. Megs clearly disagrees, and has said she wants to be in the White House two years after her Royal exit. That does make the heavy assumption that Biden’s dementia holds up until then, but stranger things have happened. 

In woke-watch this week, frontline services are waging war on the derogatory English language. The Scouts have decided to ban the terms ‘dinner ladies’, ‘man-made’ and ‘Christian name’, while the SAS have opted for ‘Doris’ (in reference to female soldiers), and ‘Ruperts’ (officers). I’d expect little else from the Scouts, who were lost the day they admitted girls. But the SAS, the hardest men in the world capitulating to this kind of nonsense is shocking – it’s the first time I’d fail the initiation test on literary grounds. They might want to change their motto to ‘Who dares winges’ though, just to be on the safe side. 

The BBC has warned the Antiques Roadshow to be ‘mindful’ when discussing colonial history. And in response to Boris Johnson’s resignation, Nish Kumar tweets ‘I love a white man brought down by Asians’ – which isn’t racist of course, just what passes for humour at the BBC these days. 

In other news, Muhammad is the most popular baby name in the UK for the fifth year in succession. Muslim names apparently account for about 10 percent of all names in the top 100, with Ali, Yusuf, Omar and Abdullah racing up the rankings. Fatima, Maryam and Aisha should have performed better, but of course they’ve all got weddings to go to. 

And finally, news that police have ‘smashed’ the gang behind a quarter of Channel migrant arrivals. Impressive as that might sound, until the Old Bill turn their attention to the Home Office, who are responsible for a cool 100% of them, the boats will keep coming. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whichever non-conservative your money’s on.