The Frank Report XXV

Welcome to a financially turbulent edition of the Frank Report. If you’re feeling the pinch these days don’t worry – you’re in good company. Even at the palace, rumours are that Her Majesty is having to tighten the purse strings. Since Covid, the Royal coffers are short to the tune of £14M, which leaves The Firm seeking alternative avenues of revenue. Keen to assume the Regency, Prince Charles had a quick shufti down the back of the sofa and discovered a suitcase containing €1M from a former Qatari prime minister. Of course, there is no suggestion of impropriety – such a measly sum only works out at a kiss and a cuddle from Prince Andrew, after all. 

At Number 11 Downing Street Rishi Sunak is also left tightening his belt, as Boris Johnson pledges a further £430MILLION to Ukraine, taking Britain’s contribution up to £3.8Bn. This is money well-spent I’m sure you’ll agree, as Johnson is now almost as popular in the Ukraine as president Zelensky; what a pity he didn’t think of playing sugar daddy with UK voters. 

Frustrated at the cost of living crisis, the world and his wife are understandably angling for a pay rise. The RMT is demanding a minimum 7% increase, which is more than reasonable when you consider train drivers only earn £60k per annum with a paltry 40 days off. British Airways claim unions have rejected a 10% rise, while the teachers’ union is after at least 12%. Even worse off are the poor doctors, who fancy a 30% top-up. Don’t be too quick to judge – it’s not easy making ends meet on the minimum wage of £100k, especially when you’ve spent the past two years moonlighting as a TikTok artist. 

In a bid to appear ready for government, the artists in the Labour Party have instructed MPs not to join the protests. Even the reliably belligerent David Lammy concurred: ‘a serious party of government does not join picket lines’. This almost looked convincing, until the beady eye of Diane Abbott pointed out that Lammy had joined the University and College Union protests of 2018. Top tip for the Lamster: if Diane Abbott can see through your bullshit, it’s a safe bet the electorate can. 

The electorate is also more than capable of seeing through financial chicanery, this week from the Halifax, who have determined that business and pronouns do in fact mix. Bailed out to the tune of £30Bn by the taxpayer back in 2008, the bank has decided it’s not only time to stick pronouns on staff badges, but it’s also time to tell customers to get stuffed if they object: 

We strive for inclusion, equality and quite simply, in doing what’s right. If you disagree with our values, you’re welcome to close your account 

Quick to remind the bank who pays their wages, customers have not only withdrawn their money in droves, but have also told the pronoun police to go Halifax ze / zir / zemselves, whatever makes them comfortable.  

Onto health, and the age-old question of how much a man’s life is worth. While economists usually put this around the $10M mark, the UK government has decided it is closer to £120k, as the first payments for ‘death by Covid vaccine’ are begrudgingly rolled out. Keen to kill the rest of us before we have a chance to claim, the media has upped its game this week, informing us that Covid infections have leapt by half a million, with the monkeypox mutating 12 times faster than expected. 

Concerned that the citizenry isn’t taking up its 37th booster quite enthusiastically enough, the government is not only intent on vaccinating babies, but has moved on to childrens’ TV characters. Elmo is the latest national treasure to be vaccinated against Covid, which makes you wonder what the death rates are on Sesame Street – come to think of it, I haven’t seen Big Bird about for a while, have you? 

Speaking of big girl’s blouses, vaccine-loving Jeremy Vine took to his bed this week, with a sore throat and a ‘big red line’:

Why isn’t the government mentioning it? Why isn’t the government saying: anyone vulnerable, you know, stay indoors. Shouldn’t they be saying ‘Lock up your daughters’ or ‘tie your mother down’ or you know, ‘Just stay in if you are vulnerable’. But we’ve not heard a peep, I guess they’re too busy

Across the pond Covid vaccines are going great guns, as abortion-loving mothers seek alternate legal means to terminate their offspring, and make a few quid into the bargain. Some women have even taken the drastic step of ‘going on sex strike’ in protest at the Supreme Court, which proves they know how to use birth control when it suits them. 

American superheroes may be a bit thin on the ground these days, but never fear ‘Woke Woman’ or her alter ego, Z-list gold-digger Meghan Markle, has waded in on the abortion ruling, claiming ‘Women of colour are most impacted by these decisions’ – she just can’t help herself. Meghan has also hinted she could run for president, urging voters to take action over abortion. If you thought Biden was f**king things up, you ain’t seen nothing yet – can you imagine America at the mercy of Ambre Solaire’s most famous black woman, and her eunuch honky sidekick?

Speaking of eunuch boyfriends, back at Westminster the prime minister has not only abdicated the decision making process to his wife, but is now apparently letting her write his speeches for him. Boris’ line this week was toxic masculinity – a phrase no conservative or sentient being should utter except in derision. Here he is speaking on Putin’s invasion of Ukraine:

If Putin was a woman, which he obviously isn’t, but if he were, I really don’t think he would’ve embarked on a crazy, macho war of invasion and violence in the way that he has – if you want a perfect example of toxic masculinity, it’s what he’s doing in Ukraine

How does he know anyway – has he checked Putin’s pronouns, or looked under his skirt? 

Thankfully Boris was soon back to doing what he does best, discussing the size of his Johnson (sorry, private jet) with Canada’s answer to Al Jolson, Justin Trudeau. Instead of the usual braggadocio however, it appeared both leaders were intent on one-upping each other’s micro penis:

‘I saw Canada Force One – it’s a big plane’ said Johnson.

‘It’s not quite as big as yours’ replied Trudeau, before blacking up and singing ‘Mammy!’

Mammies in the House of Commons meanwhile, may soon be a thing of the past. With Westminster little more than a creche at the best of times, MPs have been advised they should not bring babies into the Commons chamber. It’s not only Stella Creasy this will impact, whose child is usually conscripted into winning debates she cannot win herself, but it does beg the question of who’s going to change Ian Blackford’s nappy – usually tested to the limit by a full round of PMQs.

Dominic Raab also made the headlines this week for winking at Angela Rayner during their heated exchange at PMQs. Raab received criticism for the ‘overt misogyny’ of the gesture, but at least he managed to eschew the normal Tory frontbench reaction whenever Ange gets her ginger growler out – I suppose one letter out should be considered a success?

In other news, woke wanker of the week is assuredly Friends creator, Marta Kauffman, who told the Los Angeles Times the embarrassment and guilt she feels over the lack of diversity on the show. So much so, that she’s donating $4 million to create the Marta F. Kauffman ‘78 Professorship in African and African American Studies at Brandeis University:

It was after what happened to George Floyd that I began to wrestle with my having bought into systemic racism in ways I was never aware of – that was really the moment that I began to examine the ways I had participated. I knew then I needed to course-correct

Kauffman’s wealth is estimate at around $400M, so if you’re feeling guilty about your honky status, just donate the contents of your hanky the next time you blow your nose – that should get you back on track. 

‘Khant of the week’ (a scheme sponsored by London’s illustrious mayor), was picked up by the Muslim Engagement and development group (MEND), who declared after studying 100 mosques that ‘Muslims ‘expect an attack any time’ as ‘Islamophobic hate crime’ rises across UK. That’s right – the next time your gay friends are slaughtered, your city bombed to the screams of ‘Allahu Akbar’, or your 10-year-old daughter gang raped for the crime of being white, make sure you pity the real victims – Muslims.

In London, over one million people turned out on the streets to celebrate the 50th anniversary of gay pride – and if you didn’t take your toddler along to have all those lovely trans cocks waved in their face, what kind of homophobe are you? 

And finally, not to be left out of the equation, Sadiq Khan has decreed Brexit ‘the biggest piece of self-inflicted harm ever done to a country’ – perhaps he should take a look in the mirror once in a while?

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and your wallets.