The Frank Report XXIII

Welcome to a special Father’s Day edition of the Frank Report – the special being that  in 2022, fathers are increasingly in short supply. As gas hits $5 a barrel, toxic masculinity it seems has done a runner. Prospective fathers are now shunning a bit of how’s your father, for fear of the dreaded monkeypox. ‘European’ fathers meanwhile, buoyed up at the prospect of raping either the British taxpayer or at least his daughter, are leaving their wives and children to the mercy of war-torn France, and jumping in the nearest Channel-bound dinghy. And as anyone else with a cock is now mandatorily identifying as female, you might be a loss for where to send the cards and cutthroat razors this year. Best bet is probably to ship them off to Michelle Obama or Nicola Sturgeon, who could always use a little extra encouragement. 

One major drawback of Father’s Day is the underlying misogyny it highlights, and it is surely incumbent on feminist dads to rethink the innate privilege they enjoy. Thank Christ for societal movers and shakers, who do their best to eradicate male privilege wherever they see it. The authors of this year’s Women on Boards UK report, for instance, who highlight the shocking statistic that 50% of firms outside the FTSE 350 have no female top bosses. Then there are other visionaries like Sammy Crook, headteacher of Tiverton High School in Devon, who has decided to ban skirts to create a ‘more gender-neutral uniform policy’. I’d say give the girls a chance to catch up – most of them are still getting to grips with their new cocks, after all. 

If sexism isn’t your bag, racism’s been a nice little earner too. Sir Lenny Henry cast his humourless, multimillionaire eye witheringly over Glastonbury this week, and declared ‘It’s interesting to watch Glastonbury and look at the audience and not see any black people there. I’m always surprised by the lack of black and brown faces at festivals. I think, ‘Wow, that’s still very much a dominant culture thing’. Presumably Sir Lenny isn’t quite so concerned about the black community’s allegiance to drill music, or over-representation in the crime statistics? 

Perhaps if I’d attended the Open University, I wouldn’t spout such garbage. Fortunately, students at 100 UK universities are now benefitting from an anti-racism course devised by professors as well as David Lammy, which teaches that ‘white supremacy’ is embedded in the English language. The course, unprovocatively titled ‘Union Black’, defines ‘whiteness‘ as ‘the systemic and structural domination and oppression of ‘non-white’ peoples’. Still, not to worry – Idris Elba is back in the running to be the next James Bond – so let’s hold fire on the riots until he doesn’t get the job. 

Most certainly getting the job however, is the surprise news that North Korea has appointed its first, female foreign minister. Of course, Kim Jong Un’s commitment to gender diversity has never exactly been in doubt, but the appointment of Choe Son Hui should put any lingering fears to bed. If she’s got a cock, we’ve had a result – unless it’s bigger than Lil Kim’s, in which case she’s likely to become the North’s first female eunuch. 

Speaking of eunuchs, there was more bad news this week for Britain’s favourite Orphan Annie, Prince Harry. Not blighted enough by absentee fatherhood, Hazza’s life (and hair) have been falling apart ever since marrying Hollywood’s answer to Delilah. The Duke’s latest attempt at topping himself backfired this week, as he was mocked for ‘falling’ off his horse during a polo match in California. Better luck next time old boy. 

While Californians may take the heat for granted, Brits too have been enjoying a scorcher this week. Amid the congenitally miserable, piss-sodden streets of London, temperatures have remarkably breached 30 degrees, causing busses to spontaneously combust on the salubrious avenues of Brixton. The newspapers, which can’t get enough of climate alarmism, were quick to report a probe investigating whether the heatwave had sparked the bus blaze – which is naturally the first thing you’d look for in Sadiq Khan’s London.  

Meanwhile there are hot flushes in the House of Commons, as speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle vows to make Westminster ‘menopause friendly’ for staff. Bookmakers are giving 3:1 on Chris Bryant, 10:1 on Ed Davey, and 50:1 on Ian Blackford being the first male MP to claim oestrogen therapy on expenses. 

More hot air this week from the Home Office as the ECHR vetoes flights to Rwanda, just as Julian Assange gets washed and shaved for his US extradition. Of course it’s bad taste to demand mass murderers and gang rapists leave our shores, but on your bike for Julian, who after all committed the heinous crime of exposing government malfeasance. 

Brexit was in vain if we are still being run by European bureaucrats, and playing lapdog to Joe Biden. Not to worry though, Priti has promised to start electronically tagging the racier of the Channel migrants. Nothing will come of it naturally, but at least you’ll be able to livestream your daughter’s gang rape on Facebook, just to prove you’re not racist. 

In other news, Billy Liar (a.k.a Tony Blair) has been awarded the Queen’s highest chivalry order in a ceremony at Windsor. Tone is in good company, joining fellow nobles Gerry Adams, Idi Amin and Mao Zedong. Shamima Begum fears she will be executed over her support for ISIS, which is a shame seeing as I pissed away all my faux compassion on George Floyd. And employers are now giving staff ‘masturbation breaks’ to manage stress; Westminster rumours are that Keir Starmer is trialling the policy. 

Speaking of masturbators, this week’s WOW award (wanker of the week) must go to Britain’s favourite 32-year-old man-baby in short trousers, Femi Oluwole, who tweeted the following:

Never forget that the people being sent to Rwanda for coming to the UK in boats across the channel, have done more and risked more to be here than you ever have. All you did was tumble out of someone who happened to be on UK soil.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. And for any would-be fathers, pay attention: as with the ECHR or the chances of fathering someone like Femi – it’s always better to pull out at the last minute, rather than leave it to chance. 

That was Frank’s week. 

Take care of yourselves, and if you’re not getting any how’s your father, go and see the old man.