The Frank Report XLII 

Welcome to a reluctant Halloween edition of the Frank Report – reluctant, because Halloween must be the stupidest Americanism since the insistence on Starbuck stores no more than 100M apart. Scaring the shit out of us this week is newly-crowned PM, Rishi Sunak, who has opted to dispel the myth that he’s a globalist puppet by dressing up as a conservative. It must be said, his tactics are unorthodox: leaving arch-Remainer Jeremy Hunt in situ, outlining a vision to make the UK ‘the world’s first net-zero financial centre’, reimposing the ban on fracking, and cosying up to the EU are unlikely to garner approval. As costumes go, it needs some work.

Whether he’s tricking or treating us, as the nominally conservative leader Sunak has found allies in unusual places. First there was The Guardian, who wasted no time removing their mask: ‘You have power, Rishi Sunak. Use it. Rejoin the single market and customs union’. Then there was European Commission President, Ursula Von der Leyen, who was keen to underline shared priorities:

Very good phone call with UK PM @RishiSunak. 🇪🇺🇬🇧 are strategic partners. Looking forward to working on crucial issues such as Russia’s war on Ukraine and climate change. And on finding joint solutions under the Protocol on IE/NI that will provide stability and predictability. 

Well might the nation’s pensioners balk at the prospect of a heatless winter, but that’s simply not a crucial enough issue. Rishi isn’t worried about keeping warm, and he isn’t much bothered whether you do either. Hurry to your graves with the Net Zero badge of honour, and free up some space on the housing list for the 12,000 young Albanian men who have crossed the Channel this year; that’s a 1,500% increase on 2021, and a 24,000% increase on 2020, but hey, who’s counting?

Seeing as granny selfishly hasn’t signed up for her 11^th booster shot yet, it’s unlikely she’ll snuff it before Christmas. That being the case, the government is anxious for you to take in an Albanian illegal before anyone notices them. Don’t worry if you’re undecided, one is bound to break into your house and hide in your bedroom before long, a pleasure enjoyed by Sue Doyle in Dover this week. The strapping young man was soon arrested, but not before he managed to demand a phone, money, and a taxi ride to Manchester. Not to worry though, true to form the Old Bill merely took him away for questioning, as ‘no offence had been committed.’

With the current migrant housing bill a whopping £2.4Bn per annum, the Exchequer is obviously keen to access the nation’s spare rooms. If you don’t have one of those, why not cop a few quid stashing an Albanian in your daughter’s bedroom? You’ll save on your heating bills, and they’ll be able to get some ‘studying’ in late at night – after all, if he’s under-40 chances are he’ll be in her primary school class anyway.

The Independent actually asked a good question this week: Why are schools teaching French and German – not Arabic or Hindi? Presumably because Ofsted believes your daughter’s rapists will have the decency to teach her pro bono while the gang-rape ensues – she can learn on the job, so to speak. In fact, as government exchange schemes go, the nationwide Muslim grooming project has been exceedingly popular: taxpayer-funded, free at the point of entry, and with the blessing of every institution known to man. The only downside of course, is when the instructors get a little over-exuberant, and end up killing the students, as is increasingly popular in France these days; RIP Lola – you deserved better than the marauding scum infecting Europe and their cowardly accomplices in office. 

It should be ‘rest in peace’ to the Covid scam, thanks to Professor Sir John Bell, who claims the Covid that terrified us in 2020 ‘doesn’t exist’ now. Professor Bell went on to say: ‘I believe that, although we will have Covid and people will feel a bit sick, it will be a bit like the flu and you may have to stay home in bed and you won’t feel so well.’ You’d think this might be a story worth pursuing, but apart from The Sun (who smuggled it in mid-paper), it was hard to find it corroborated elsewhere. Instead, the rest of the media are business as usual. ‘Get ready for third Covid winter’ warns the Sunday Times, ‘Get ready for the TRIPLEDEMIC this winter’ counsels the Daily Mail, and ‘Covid-19: Further waves to come this winter, warns chief medical officer’ cautioned the BBC. If you didn’t know better, you’d swear they were on the take. 

One way or another, Covid’s still a good seller, and it seems authoritarian regimes have their hearts set on another Christmas lockdown. Wuhan, the scene of the crime, has been plunged back into lockdown, as China continues its brutal ‘zero-Covid’ policy. If only the vaccines worked, we could all be spared this nightmare – perhaps that’s the plan? Nevertheless, more and more information is seeping out on the vaccines’ lack of efficacy (unless it involves killing the healthy). The latest study shows that the effectiveness of the Astra Zeneca and Pfizer jabs turn negative just months after vaccination, meaning the vaccinated are in more danger from the disease.

Also in no danger of retiring are the ever-growing list of things racist and sexist (although we may be scraping the barrel somewhat). The ‘chic’ and ‘stylish’ stereotype of French women is both racist and sexist, according to a new Netflix documentary, which was obviously not only directed by the blind, but also those who have never heard of Brigitte Bardot, Isabelle Adjani, and Emmanuelle Béart (yes, I realise I am showing my age). An angry Meghan Markle, claims black women are labelled ‘angry’ in her latest podcast. And a pyrrhic victory for the Home Office this week, as two members of a notorious Rochdale grooming gang of nine have finally been deported to Pakistan. This comes a decade after their conviction, and following a seven-year legal dispute to stay in the country. The grounds to remain were considerable: ‘human rights’ naturally, but also the desire to be a ‘role model’ for their sons – after all, who’s going to teach them to rape white girls if the fathers are absent?

Speaking of sons, King Charles’ adopted son Harry has been busy. Banned from attending his wife’s latest interview (which must make a nice change from the pre-existing bans on smoking, drinking, sport, eating meat, or generally enjoying himself), Hazza has hit back with the long-awaited release of his memoir. Said to be ‘critical of everyone and everything’, Harry has gone for the enigmatic title ‘Spare’, presumably having rejected the more obvious ‘Spare Prick’ and ‘Munich Eunuch’ which I suggested.

In other news, Mark Zuckerberg’s fortune has dropped $100Bn in 13 months, down from a career high of $142Bn – it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fella. Elon Musk has finally followed through and completed his takeover of the far-left cesspool Twitter. Musk has been keen to stress the importance of free speech, but was swiftly put in his place by the EU’s Thierry Breton, who reminded him ‘In Europe, the bird will fly by our EU rules’. How stupid we all were to vote for Brexit.

Disney has unveiled its first plus-size heroine in the animated short film, ‘Reflect’ – although sadly, rumours are it won’t be voiced by Diane Abbott. Reflecting on recent decisions is 42-year-old NHS nurse, Hannah Debenham, who invited a Ukranian refugee and her ten-year-old daughter to come and live with her family, only to be reported to police for ‘modern day slavery’. It’s always the same with these refugees – you give them £10Bn housekeeping money, and they won’t even help wash the dishes.

And finally, the ‘world’s dirtiest man’ who ‘smoked dung’ and ‘ate roadkill’ has died aged 94, after being encouraged to take his first bath in 50 years. I don’t know about you, but I reckon Sid James could have given him a run for his money, ‘Yak, yak, yak!’.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and remember if you hate Halloween, Pitbull terriers invariably deter ‘trick or treaters’ better than humans.

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Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor