The Frank Report XLI

Welcome to a Westminster-heavy edition of the Frank Report – you join us with the quest for Britain’s third Prime Minister in four months well underway. Twenty-four hours is a long time in politics, but so too is twenty-four minutes, judging by the bodybags stacking up outside Number 10. Presumably by the time we go to press, Keir Starmer will have been elected, stabbed in the back, and tended his resignation, as the most conservative MP the Tories could find – but what you gonna do?

Hot on the heels of Kwasi Kwarteng’s dismissal, Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, called it a day, citing concerns about the current government direction: 

It is obvious to everyone that we are going through a tumultuous time. I have concerns about the direction of this government. Not only have we broken key pledges that were promised to our voters, but I have had serious concerns about this government’s commitment to honouring manifesto commitments, such as reducing overall migration numbers and stopping illegal migration, particularly the dangerous small boats crossings

In other words, Ms Braverman is suffering from the symptoms of ‘Covid-22’ (Conservative Of Vaguely Intact Denomination) – a rare disease which shortens the lifespan of any UK political career, especially one within the Conservative party. Truth be told, there hasn’t been a whiff of conservatism about the Tories since Thatcher—the Party having somehow managed to survive the post-Blair years drunk on a cocktail of first-past-the-post, the stranglehold of the two-party system, inept opposition, and perhaps most importantly, being a Labour government in all but name. In fact, despite Brexit and a continued right-wing mandate from the electorate, Britain bears all the hallmarks of the far-Left government it so emphatically eschewed in 2019—inflation through the roof, open borders, record debt, and woke nonsense infecting the very pillars of society.

It is genuinely a loss to see Suella go, but she is right to do so – the Tories in their current form are facing electoral oblivion, shooting themselves in places even Labour’s Michael Foot wouldn’t have countenanced. For genuine conservatives across the nation the best thing that could now happen is an alliance of old-fashioned Tories, headed up by Nigel Farage, with Reform, Reclaim and UKIP putting their differences aside, and sponsoring the Conservative Party’s voluntary euthanasia. It’s now or never chaps. 

Back at the latest Tory wake in Downing Street, Liz Truss lasted just 44 days – that’s shorter than a Meghan Markle monologue. Chairman of the 1922 Committee, Sir Graham Brady, must have felt like a quinquagenarian Harry Potter as the letters of no-confidence came flying through the mailbox. In the end it’s hard to say what Truss did worse during her short tenure of Number 10: the U-turns, the appointment of Hunt, or replacing Suella Braverman with the anti-Brexit, globalist, Net Zero aficionado Grant Shapps – the political equivalent of serving up dog shit as an after-dinner mint. Nonetheless, it’s hard not to feel sorry for Truss, taking the blame for many ills beyond her control, and commendably getting through her resignation speech without a tear.

Meanwhile, the wannabe-PM vultures are circling – chief among them, Joe Public’s favourite globalist billionaire in 500 quid loafers, Fishy Rishi. Penny Mordaunt has also thrown her hat into the ring, assuring voters that she can now identify which gender has the cocks. And a certain Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has just landed at Gatwick (economy class, obvs), amid claims that he is ‘up for it’ yet again. You’ve got to take your hat off to Johnson – he has a bit of dash to him. Love him or loathe him, the hairdressers’ bête noire was a 30:1 long shot for the top job a week ago, but you’d be lucky to get 3:1 now. If Keir Starmer didn’t stockpile Imodium throughout lockdown, he will be shortly. 

It might as well be another lockdown for irate Londoners, held to ransom by the spoilt brats of Just Stop Oil. Unfortunately, blockading the thoroughfares appears no longer to be a crime – judging by the Old Bill sitting around painting their nails. Determined to get themselves nicked, the eco zealots turned their attention to assaults on priceless artwork, vandalism of Harrod’s department store (incidentally the only shopping experience I’ve ever remotely enjoyed), and Monday’s shutting down of the QEII Bridge. Thanks to the traffic jam they caused, the emergency services were unable to get through to a fatal car crash on the M20. Perhaps now these master baiters will confine their protests to the Students’ Union as they embark on decade-long Diversity, Equality & Inclusion degrees, and perhaps the fuzz will get their thumb emojis out of their arses a bit sooner next time? 

More fun and games was had on Tuesday, as Downing Street and Whitehall were evacuated due to a ‘suspicious package’ – possibly Eddie Izzard’s lingerie going AWOL? Eddie meanwhile has her his hands full contesting the safe Labour seat, Sheffield Central, as inveterate enema-dodger, Paul Mason, has decided to stand against him. Short of habitual chicken molestation, it’s hard to know what the people of Sheffield have done to deserve this – at least Scylla and Charybdis offered the chance to escape doom. 

Speaking of suspicious packages, selfie satan, Sadiq Khan, has been criticised for flying the equivalent of 14 times around the world, to promote going green. To be fair to Khan, that’s at the lower end of his transgressions. Boasting about woke police reforms this week, London’s Mayor couldn’t disguise his glee:

As Mayor, I’ve ensured the Met is now set on a path of far-reaching reform. I support the new Commissioner in urgently focusing on rooting out all officers found to be responsible for sexism, racism, misogyny, homophobia, bullying or harassment 

In other words – everything that can be ‘proved’ without evidence, requires no actual police work, and ensures serious crime goes about its business unimpeded. 

Criminally under-challenged is the narcissists’ narcissist, Meghan Markle, who seems determined to find an ego larger than her own for the ‘Archetypes’ podcast, and recently offered the gig to Paris Hilton. A good plan possibly, right up until Megs accidentally ended up ‘judging’ her in the process. If you threatened to give me an unanaesthetised penectomy, I’d still refuse to listen to it – but I’d bet all my white privilege that Paris came out of the studio with more kudos than she went in with. 

All in all, it’s been a mixed bag for Nutmeg this week. On the minus side of the ledger, is the warning that continued ‘tarnishing’ of the Royal Family could result in the removal of the Sussex royal title, and the fact that Prince William ‘can’t forgive Prince Harry’, because Megxit moved his family onto ‘centre stage sooner than they expected’. 

On the plus side, Meghan has hinted she will return to acting. With news that Lilibet and Archie are apparently being brought up as ‘multidimensional’ and ‘kind’, that will certainly require an Oscar-winning performance. A recent study also concludes Meghan is the ‘most intelligent member of the Royal Family’ – of which there can be no argument; who else could be on the take quite so ostentatiously, while playing the victim? In fact, ask me who I’d rather have dinner with: M&M or Lucretia Borgia, and I’d say ‘pass the arsenic’. I never thought I’d admit compassion for a billionaire eunuch, but Prince Harry you have my sympathy. 

Why Pfizer didn’t hire Markle as their brand ambassador, I’ll never know – she’s so fake, she makes the vaccines look bona fide. Still, it’s been a bad week for Covid. A recent study has confirmed that the death risk posed for the vast majority of the population is ‘near zero’. The eminent cardiologist, Dr Aseem Malhotra, claims the risk from the mRNA vaccines is so high that, until proven otherwise, it is likely they played a significant role in all unexplained heart attacks since 2021; don’t forget, this is a man so dangerous, The New Conservative remains Twitter-banned merely for retweeting him. And the Australian government has made the astonishing move of introducing a policy to pay the funeral costs of people who die after getting vaccinated – if that doesn’t convince you to get your next booster, you’re a mug!

Clearly the Covid pushers had to up their game, and so they have. The latest ‘vaccine-resistant’ Covid strain (is there any other kind?) dubbed ‘XBB’ has sent cases soaring in Singapore. Not only that, but Boston University has been working hard, developing a Covid strain that ‘has an 80% kill rate’ – don’t worry, it’ll be in the shops by Christmas, so kiss granny goodbye. 

In fact, the British government would be most grateful if granny could snuff it before the year is out. Housing is in short supply, and someone’s got to make way for the never-ending stream of illegals crossing the Channel – most of whom won’t object to a bit of octogenarian gang-rape, but it’s not the delicacy they flock to these shores for.

In other news, George Floyd’s family is suing Kanye West, after his ‘controversial’ comments about Floyd’s death at the hands of Minnesota police. West sparked anger over the weekend when he claimed Floyd died from the drug Fentanyl, not the officer’s knee on his neck. Obviously this is an upsetting time for the family, but nothing $250M can’t put right; everyone else has screwed millions out of Floyd’s death – it’s only fair that they cop a few quid too.

And finally, thanks must go to Dr Debra Soh who pointed out the astonishing inequality that ‘transwomen face a higher risk of prostate cancer than women’. Knock transwomen all you like, but biological women have had an easy ride of it up till now: sure periods, childbirth and the menopause are a bit of an inconvenience, but thanks to chicks with dicks, ladies now appreciate the agony of waking in the middle of the night and attempting to piss with a stiffy!

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever keeps you up at night. 

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Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor