The Frank Report LXVI

The Frank Report is proud to be your go-to summary of political shenanigans, and our latest instalment is no exception. The major news from Westminster this week, was that Keir Starmer’s Labour have taken the safe Tory seat of Tamworth, with the second-highest ever by-election swing of 23.9%. Respected psephologist Sir John Curtice, commented that “no government had lost a seat as safe as Tamworth (even after they’d shat all over it)”. In other words, Rishi Sunak is a dead billionaire walking, and the rats will soon start deserting the sinking ship. Chief rat, Chancellor Hunt, (a man so popular, he gave rise to the vernacular ‘see you next Jeremy’) is already poised to quit; apparently fearful of ‘a Portillo moment’. Relax Berkeley Hunt, you ain’t no Michael Portillo bruv!

But it’s not all good news for Captain Hindsight. Not only have Labour MPs started showing their true colours, condemning Israel for ‘war crimes’ in violation of Starmer’s call for unity, Muslim councillors have threatened to quit Labour over its support for Israel. “The Parliamentary Labour Party is making ridiculous demands of its Muslim members” said councillor Ahmer Bowtu Det-on-eit. When asked for an example, he told The Frank Report “it’s not only the demands we stop attending pro-Palestine rallies – they’re even asking us to stop putting Hamas donations on expenses, fundraising for ISIS, and casually stabbing Jews in the street. How are we expected to live like this?”

Ahmer is not the only one concerned. Middle Eastern tensions escalated this week, when it was revealed Israel had deliberately targeted the Al-Alhi hospital in Gaza. In Britain, the compassionate Left was apoplectic with rage, and took to social media to air their grief. Forty-year-old virgin Owen Jones (whose in no danger of breaking his duck) tweeted “How in God’s name are the LGBTQwerty community going to get themselves thrown off buildings in Palestine, if Israel keeps razing them to the ground?” Former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn meanwhile, had more practical problems to negotiate: “How the fuck am I gonna buy enough wreaths for this on my pissant salary?!” He tweeted. “Even Iran isn’t paying like they used to!” When it transpired that Hamas had simply pressed the wrong button on their rocket launchers, everyone breathed a sigh of relief; business as usual then. 

Middle East volatility has even spread beyond Britain. Parisian poufé, Emmanuel Macron, is clearly worried about the gays closer to home. In response to the conflict, Monsieur le President has called for the ‘ruthless’ deportation of all migrants with ties to Islamic extremism in France – rough translation, the RNLI can expect a few more dinghies washing up along the south coast. Even in Egypt, the proud members of the Muslim Brotherhood have refused to take any refugees from Gaza, in case they taint the organisation’s diplomatic approach to foreign policy. “We’re committed to peace” a Brotherhood spokesman told The Frank Report, “and anyone who disagrees is welcome to inspect our scimitars any day of the week”. 

Never fear, displaced terrorists, Scotland the Brave is here! Hit by the double-whammy of the SNP and Storm Babet, Scotland is now reeling from the suicidal immigration policy of Humza Useless. Indeed, the First Minister has called upon the British government to create a ‘refugee resettlement scheme’, in case any Gazans wish to benefit more directly from the Barnet Formula. When contacted for comment, MacHamas told The Frank Report “Obviously I get it, the nearby Arab states don’t want them; but for Allah’s sake, at least they aren’t White!”. 

This week’s WOW award (wanker of the week) was given to the Metropolitan Police, whose sole aim now appears to be gaslighting the public. As the 100,000-strong crowd of Hamas supporters thronged through London, the Old Bill were busy telling the public they didn’t understand the nuances of the word ‘jihad’ screamed by members of Hizb ut-Tahrir (an organisation so extreme, even Tony Blair wanted to ban it), and congratulating themselves on making 10 arrests for “Fireworks, public order offences, and the assault of an emergency service worker”. Victoria Crosses all-round then boys. 

In other news, Cher has promised to leave the USA if Donald Trump gets re-elected, claiming she ‘almost got an ulcer’ last time. When asked whether she’d have any objections to getting sniffed by President Biden, Cher admitted she’d be up for it – before a White House spokesman confirmed she is, regrettably, about a 100 years too old for Sleepy Joe. Meanwhile, Douglass Mackey, the man who posted ‘disparaging’ memes about Hillary Clinton in 2016 has been sentenced to seven months in prison. A representative for Hillary commented “it’s too early to say whether he intends to commit suicide before his release.”

President Biden meanwhile spent the week honouring the 21st century’s greatest civil rights campaigner, George Floyd, who would have turned 50 if he hadn’t been dead. “George Floyd should be alive” said Biden, “He deserved so much more. Today, we join his family to honor his life and legacy.” Amen brother – it’s impossible to say how many future Americans are going to be denied the benefits of his charitable drug deals, assaults and robberies at gunpoint.  

Lucy Letby’s first day at prison has surprisingly gone off without incident, as she is said to have ‘formed an inseparable bond’ with two killers, with the trio enjoying karaoke and sunbathing together. Obviously the NHS’s loss is Low Newton’s gain, and it’s good to see the old darling settling in well. 

London Mayor Sadiq Khan has promised to sign up all nine million Londoners for the ‘Planetary Health Diet’ by 2030 – a largely vegetarian plan, which cuts meat intake to World War II levels. Have a heart Khant, there’s no need for drastic measures like that. Anyone in need of cutting a few pounds should simply go for a jog around London. They’ll get in a marvellous bit of sightseeing, and with any luck the love handles will be lopped off by the volunteer ‘surgeons’ at work across the capital.

Arrested at the Fossil Free London protest, Greta Thunberg has promised to ‘go on strike’ in solidarity with Palestine and Gaza. On strike from what – being a whiny little bitch? 

And finally, as a genuine solution to the Middle East, why not deploy our secret weapon – goodwill ambassador and peace envoy, Tony Blair? Seriously, as the rockets fly willy-nilly, can you think of a better time to dispatch the great man? 

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember if any jihadists hack your head off – you clearly don’t understand the ‘struggle’ they’re going through. 

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

If you enjoy The New Conservative and would like to support our work, please consider buying us a coffee – it would really help to keep us going. Thank you!