The Frank Report LXIX

The big question this week was precisely what effect Suella Braverman’s Times précis of Mein Kampf was to have over the Armistice Day festivities, and the emboldened ‘far-right’ who were determined to turn up and blast their two minutes’ silence in everyone’s faces. Not only had Suella made the outrageous suggestion that pro-Palestinian protestors occasionally break the law, she also accused the Met Police of being little more than an ad-hoc blowjob service to sexually frustrated BLM rioters. Like me, perhaps you thought your sex-life was on the skids, but have some sympathy for those whose only option is playing hide the salami with a 20-stone bearded copper whose pronouns are Big and Brenda. 

Not to worry though, the million strong peace-loving jihadis were determined to prove Braverman wrong and Saturday’s events passed off without incident. Channel 4 was first on the scene to proclaim the good news:

After being branded “hate marchers” by the Home Secretary, a massive pro-Palestinian protest passed off peacefully, with hundreds of thousands in attendance. The only scuffles on the day involved far-right protestors who clashed with police. 

Yes indeed, the Metropolitan Police displayed magnificent valour in the face of the far-right, who employed coordinated attacks of standing humbly in silence, brandishing Union Jacks in a threatening manner, and chanting the despicable war-cry “you’re not English no more”. No doubt Sir Mark Rowley will spend the remainder of his tenure at Scotland Yard handing out Victoria Crosses to any officer who made it out alive. 

Despite this, dark forces were clearly at play, injecting villainy into the proceedings. Rambo stunt double, Michael Gove, walked provocatively down the street in broad daylight, in a brazen attempt to incite the crowds. Excitable fireworks went off randomly in police faces, and poppy sellers had the gall to choose this day of the year to attempt a resurrection of the opium wars. 

There was also a great deal of exaggerated reporting from the what has now become known as the ‘Braverman-Youth’, in the hopes of stirring up trouble. Far-right social media accounts were keen to share deepfake ‘evidence’ of swastikas and widespread terrorist symbols, but Met Deputy Commissioner Aamir Hamaz La’va said the force was not taking these seriously. Friendly late-night paint-balling sessions were hijacked by Jewish families, and offered as evidence of antisemitism on the specious pretext that they took place outside their houses and synagogues. 

Finally, there were the well-known comedy routines “Hitler knew how to deal with these people”, and “death to all the Jews” taken completely out of context, as well as complaints about the wearing of Hamas-style headbands. This is really scraping the barrel now – we all know how it is when you go on these protest marches – it’s hardly a fashion show, you just throw on whatever comes to hand. 

Concerned about far-right arrest levels, the Met Police made the unusual move of arresting 150 pro-Palestinian protestors to ‘balance the books’. This was of course nothing to do with chants of “fuck the pigs”, any attempted stabbings or attacks with a weapon, but merely the necessary appeasement of dangerous far-right criminals. With Remembrance Sunday about to kick off, Sir Mark Rowley told The Frank Report off the record: “I’ll be fucking glad to get back to the genocide and jihad next weekend – at least you know where you are with peaceful protests”. 

In other news, Rishi Sunak’s ban on Nitrous Oxide, also known as laughing gas, has now come into effect – which is a shame, because with this government the laughs are pretty thin on the ground. Clearly requiring a bit of laughing gas was a former Alabama Mayor, who shot himself in the head after he was outed for dressing as a ‘trans girl”. City Hall insiders have confirmed Sadiq Khan has been put on suicide watch. 

It has been reported that former Hamas chiefs are now setting up shop all over London, because it’s easier to organise the troops when you’re ‘close to the action’. The Telegraph revealed this week that half of the groups organising the Armistice Day march have links to Hamas, with the other half disturbingly linked to Jeremy Corbyn. And despite what we are constantly told about the cost of living crisis, it was confirmed that three leaders of Hamas have amassed a net worth of approximately £2.4 billion each, which is almost enough for a curry and a piss-up in the West End. 

After the global success of Colin Firth’s film The King’s Peach, King Charles has decided it’s about time for a sequel. He told Sir Michael Palin this week that he wants refugees to “feel more welcome”, and hasn’t ruled out opening up Buckingham Palace to them, provided it can be “tarted up a bit, to keep them in the five-star luxury to which they are rightly accustomed”. Speaking of unwelcome refugees, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have confirmed they have not been invited to spend Christmas with the Royal Family, which is hardly news; neither have I.

The Anne Frank kindergarten in Germany is set to be renamed, thanks to complaints that Frank does little for diversity, irrespective of how many books she sold. So far, suggestions include the Transgender Neo-nazi Nursery, the George Floyd Drug-dealers’ Preschool and the Grooming Gang Gang-bangers’ Crèche. 

Lloyd’s Bank’s plans to pay £52million in slavery reparations have come under fire for being “insultingly small” from Labour MP David Lammy, who is rumoured to have said “for Christ’s sake, that’s not even a month’s worth of expenses”. Gary Lineker has been left naked and vomiting in “seven hours of torture”, after the BBC presenter admitted to taking ‘snus’ for the first time – which coincidentally was my reaction to five minutes of his punditry. And “old-fashioned’ exercise, healthy eating and socialising are the secret to keeping healthy in old age”, says Chris Whitty – what a shame we never had this guy advising us on lockdown.  

And finally, transgender athlete Caster Semenya’s declaration that “my testicles don’t make me any less of a woman” was mocked by butch Guardianista Owen Jones, who hit back: “mine don’t make me any more of a man.”

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and if you’re attending Remembrance Sunday in London stay safe. 

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

An archive of The Frank Report can be found here.

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