Tea With Sadiq Khan

I’m very grateful to be joined today by the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, who has kindly taken time out of his busy schedule to speak to The New Conservative. When I met Sadiq in ‘U-LEZ’ London (not yet a homophobic hate crime), he was energetically bashing a selfie off outside the local NatWest. We sat down in the Lick & Spittle (me with a well-needed triple scotch, Sadiq nursing a cockney cuppa), and spent a charming half hour discussing everything from knife crime to immigration. The text of our meeting is as follows:

Editor: Mr Mayor, it’s very good of you to join me. Cheers!

Sadiq Khan: Cheers, it’s my pleasure.

Editor: The first question our readers have asked, is what’s behind your penchant with selfies? You’re rarely seen not taking one – is there something we should know?

Sadiq Khan: One of the most important things about being a global figure is putting your face about. You’ve got to engage with the public, and encourage them to come up and take a picture with you. I get 50 quid a pop selling these online; darts players and toilet paper manufacturers mostly, don’t ask me why.

Editor: Fair enough. Now, as you may be aware, we believe in asking tough questions at TNC – so is it fair to say Mr Mayor that despite your continued electoral success, you have plenty of detractors among the populace? What do you make of criticism of your tenure as Mayor?

Sadiq Khan: Such as?

Editor: Well, your laissez-faire attitude to knife crime for instance – what do you say to allegations that you’ve done more to cull the child population than pneumonia and the Pied Piper of Hamelin put together?

Sadiq Khan: Ah! Knife crime in London, that’s just a racist red herring. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of childhood rough and tumble play – after all, nothing better to get the obesity figures down (one way or another). No, the real problem with knife crime is that it’s difficult to monetise.

Editor: Can you explain that?

Sadiq Khan: Of course. Look, being in the Labour Party is about more than simply trying to win hearts and minds – we understand that people have their own idiosyncrasies, and it’s vital that a Labour Mayor, or a future Labour government raises the funds to pay for the consequences. Take the success of ULEZ.

Editor: Yes, I wanted to ask you about that.

Sadiq Khan: Well, right now toxic air kills eight million people worldwide, and there are many children within London whose lungs have been permanently scarred because of pollution. But if you pay me twelve and a half nicker, I’ll keep the whiny bastards off your back for you.

Editor: But isn’t that just racketeering?

Sadiq Khan: Of course – why not? If it was good enough for Ronnie and Reggie…

Editor: But surely Mr Mayor, you can’t believe the solution to every problem is stealth taxes?

Sadiq Khan: You call it a stealth tax; I call it the free-market capitalism you conservatives claim to love.

Editor: But you can’t call ULEZ a success, you must know it’s deeply unpopular with Londoners already hit hard by the cost-of-living crisis?

Sadiq Khan: I disagree. The High Court has already cleared the way for Greater London expansion, and hopefully that is just the beginning. Soon, we’re hoping to expand the policy to spare bedrooms, driveways and graveyards – to name but a few.

Editor: But getting back to crime for a moment, isn’t focussing on ‘toxic air’ and ULEZ expansion merely a distraction from your policing responsibilities?

Sadiq Khan: I don’t think so. Like I say, knife crime’s only problematic because no one’s figured out a way to monetise it. We expect value for money from our public services, why not take a wholistic approach and include crime in that? City Hall was even considering legalising it at one point, and running a pay-per-stab scheme; but I couldn’t get it past the focus groups.

Editor: What’s your objection to a more old-fashioned approach to crime? I mean, can you explain your well-documented opposition to stop and search?

Sadiq Khan: I’m not opposed to stop and search in principle; it’s just it’s always used so discriminatorily. If the police are only going to stop those they think are carrying knives, that’s unacceptable. Surely, they should be focussing just as much energy on those who aren’t carrying, just to prove they’re approaching the matter with an open mind?

Editor: Ok, let’s move on. On the subject of discrimination, what do you make of the government’s approach to the small boats crisis? What do you say to Lee Anderson’s argument that if illegals don’t like the barges, they should ‘fuck off back to France’?

Sadiq Khan: Well, I know Lee Anderson well, and I hope he won’t mind me saying he’s quoting straight out of the Tory playbook on this one. Rhetoric like that is unforgivably dangerous, and clearly stoking up division and hate; he really should stop encroaching on my territory.

Editor: In terms of division, you must have been busy this week – what with the terrible stabbing in Clapham. But do you think that the media focus of seeing the crime through the lens of ‘hate’ rather than simply attempted murder is the right way to go?

Sadiq Khan: Of course, it’s shocking. And yes, I think much more important than the crime itself is the LBGTQIA2S nature of it.

Editor: But is there any evidence at this stage that the stabbing was motivated by homophobia?

Sadiq Khan: It was an attack outside a gay club – what more evidence do you need?

Editor: But why couldn’t that simply be one of so many ‘random’ attacks we seem to witness these days?

Sadiq Khan: Oh really, I don’t think you understand the importance of hate to these minority communities. Hate crime in London is one of the fastest growing markets – that’s why we need Pride, so the criminals know where all the gays are going to be, and we can keep the grift going. As a white man, I don’t think you realise just how many careers depend on discrimination.

Editor: Last question Mr Mayor, as you approach the end of your second term in office, what would you say your legacy is?

Sadiq Khan: I’d like to think I stood up against racism, misgendering, transphobia and sexism whenever I saw it.

Editor: As an aside, I notice that a certain Dawn Butler has revealed her intentions to run as London Mayor – any concerns she might do a better job?

Sadiq Khan: Maaate, have a word!

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