A pox on all your houses

When it was announced that Covid-19 was going to wipe out the human race, I cowered in my house; determined to drink myself to death before the virus got me. Having done my liver irreparable damage in the process, I was dismayed to learn we are not all going to die. Still, I continued drinking, and I am very glad I did. It now seems unlikely that we will make it to the end of the year as one deadly threat after another emerges.

First, we were all exhorted to go nuts over monkeypox. Vaccines were on the way closely followed by variants, test and tracing and the possibility of social restrictions. Instead of having real sex, couples were instructed to sit six feet apart and play pocket billiards  – so then I had to add wanking to my drinking…plus ça change! Thankfully scientists found a way to eradicate monkeypox; it was easy, they changed the name and monkeypox is no longer a threat to the human race. Relax? Well, not exactly.

Next up an old favourite from the early post-war period. Polio has decided to embark on a comeback tour and, apparently, is not only London-bound this week, but is also moving underground. With the RMT strike by £100k a year tube drivers, it’s about the only thing that is. London’s tsunami of poo heaving its way towards the Thames on a daily basis is harbouring the polio virus which, according to public health experts, is probably there as a result of viral shedding by people who have been vaccinated against polio. Yes, you heard me right; being vaccinated against polio gives you polio. And the answer? We must all make sure we are vaccinated against polio. Shurely shome mishtake Mish Monepenny? Relax? Well, not yet.

Just when we thought we’d seen off Covid-19, dealt with the virus formerly known as monkeypox and had a good laugh over the fact that being protected against polio leads to polio, f**k me (well, if you f**k one of them) a virulent and antibiotic resistant strain of gonorrhoea is set to become a major public health hazard. It’s all the fault of those obliging young ladies in Cambodia—some call them prostitutes, but I find that very judgemental—who as a result of industrial strength shagging with people from every corner of the globe are harbouring a nasty bug in their orifices. Worrying, isn’t it?

And all this was in the past three weeks, so we are averaging one deadly threat per week. What will next week bring, I wonder? Cholera, bubonic plague or scarlet fever? I can only offer the following evidence-based advice: drink heavily; if you must leave the house wear three masks; if you must visit Cambodia and make use of the local ‘facilities’, wear five condoms. That’s this week’s column from your health correspondent. Stay safe.

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.