For the past decade, the Met Office has operated the practice of naming storms. According to Situational Awareness head, Will Lang, this improves communication of severe weather, and provides clarity. With the storm season ending in August, the Met Office has just finished its busiest year on record –12 tempests have been named in 12 months, taking us up to the letter L, courtesy of Storm Lillian. Storms Ciaran, Fergus and Henk all featured prominently last year, and the Met Office has already announced 21 names for the upcoming season. While Storms Darragh, Éowyn, Floris, Gerben and Hugo are undoubtedly well-intentioned, ‘climate change’ is a rising threat in the country, so I am afraid 21 is not going to be nearly enough. Therefore, here at TNC we have created some (better) names for the Met Office to use when they eventually run out.
First up is Misogynistic Mike, currently locked away in ‘storm prison’ for lifting up women’s skirts and blowing off their wigs – big Mike is notorious for his high winds. Being the only storm to serve a fifth of his sentence, he will be the first to be released. But do not worry, the Met Office has assured us that they will announce an extreme weather warning when he is unleashed.
Next, we have Randy Andy – this storm has a big reputation for its unusual whistling and boisterous wails, which come from the fast and ravaging winds. It can be quite arousing and reports show it causes an increase in adrenaline. We advise that you ensure all letterboxes are nailed down, windows are shut and doors are bolted and locked. Its peak is usually at night.
Then we have Ben Dover – this is not too dangerous, but, like the others, it features notorious breezes, which usually come in short bursts. It can knock people over, but is more commonly known for blowing objects off the floor, which can cause citizens on the street to duck or move out of the way. We advise the public not to wear hats, any loose clothing or hold anything, as the NHS simply cannot cope with anything beyond migrant welfare and pregnant men.
Our penultimate squall, Transgender Trevor is a little harder to categorise. Being both hyper-emotional and over-sensitive, Trevor was initially assigned to the female storm grouping, where he would have been the most powerful. However, with the Met Office abandoning gender categories, Trevor has been languishing mid-table. He is known for his whining sounds and attention-seeking rain.
Offence Archaeologist Jennifer caps off our list – this is the most spiteful out of the bunch. If storms can be said to be political in nature, she purposefully waits until white, non-woke, far-right ‘only two genders’ types hang out their washing, plan a day out with their family or attend a festival. She then proceeds to ruin their day, apart from June when Pride Month must take precedence.
We hope that these suggestions are useful for the Met Office and with our weather becoming increasingly worse every year, you may need some additional names. But, do not be concerned, we will always have you covered.
Jack Watson has a Substack newsletter called Ten Foot Tigers about being a Hull City fan. You can subscribe here.
If you enjoy The New Conservative and would like to support our work, please consider buying us a coffee – it would really help to keep us going. Thank you!
Excellent, but sad at the same time.
Some of us are old enough to remember when it was all wind and it didn’t need to have a human name ‘cos it just came, blew and went (mostly unremarked upon). Perhaps the Met Office ought to be thinking up interesting names for different types of rain, flood, snow and sunshine etc.? On a roll, maybe everything needs a human name rebrand to make it memorable for those who otherwise might not give it a second’s thought?
I was just reading some articles in Country Squire. To my astonishment, it seems we tax payers fund the two thousand plus Met Office employees to the tune of some £130m per annum!
Is it time to abandon them and put that money to better use?
Pingback: News Round-Up – The Daily Sceptic