Wishing you a very careful Christmas

As the season of goodwill to all men and transgender women (who are also men) approaches, your resident health and safety correspondent is here to see you safely through the festive season, and to help you negotiate the many hazards that await. After all, we are all completely out of practice having had two years when our governmental grinches stole Christmas from us. So, here goes:

Alcohol

Alcohol, even in moderate quantities, leads to unguarded and uninhibited conversation, lascivious behaviour and, that old favourite, the massive annual family argument. My advice, therefore, is to get in as much as you can. Deck the halls with bottles and cans of all sorts and make sure that there is something for everyone. The best thing is to get started early and break yourself in gently. This means bucks fizz before breakfast. None of that garbage from Waitrose; I recommend nine parts champagne to one part orange juice—we don’t want to go mad. You can gradually reduce the amount of orange juice until, by the end of breakfast, you’ll be on the champagne, pure and unadulterated.

Then there is the rest of the day to go before you can let rip over Christmas dinner and it must be filled somehow. This is the time to break out the beer. Cheap cans of Tesco lager will do for the family. My trick is always to pour my own beer out of sight of everyone, that way nobody will realise that you are drinking Carlsberg Special.

Christmas crackers

Christmas crackers are simply an accident waiting to happen. Make sure that everybody in the house on Christmas Day has undertaken their online ‘Christmas cracker safety course’ and demand the proof. The main points of the course, which has three modules, include a module on ‘safe pulling technique’. This takes a bit of practice to master, but the basics are always to keep your elbow close to your body. If you raise your elbow, then you run the risk of copping an elderly relative one on the jaw and the last thing you want to find in the Brussel sprouts is gran’s false teeth. The remaining modules advise on the correct wearing of safety goggles, ear defenders and protective gloves, and it is the responsibility of the host to ensure that all these items are available at the table.

Party games

Party games may seem like fun but, frankly, they are minefields of racism, sexual prejudice and misogyny. When it comes to charades all reference to colour must be forbidden. So, no Black Beauty, Snow White or White Christmas. Heaven forbid anyone tries to do Huckleberry Finn. In a similar vein, Fairytale of New York is out; the title is bad enough but then there’s the awkward ‘faggot’ reference. Nothing by Rolf Harris, not even Three Little Boys or any of Gary Glitter’s back catalogue.

General

For the rest of the day, take care if language of a sexual or homophobic nature is going to be used. Thus, any mention of ‘stuffing’, ‘mince’ pies or ‘nutcrackers’ must be preceded by a trigger warning. Don’t even think of mentioning Santa’s vertically challenged little helpers without taking a quick look round the room. Someone may be self-identifying as an elf.

I could go on about the potentially lethal combination of alcohol, sharp knives and hot cooking oil, but I don’t want to spoil your day. However you celebrate it, have a very Happy Christmas.

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.