Tony’s Chocbaloney

It is possible that many readers will already have heard of the Dutch brand of chocolate Tony’s Chocolonely (other brands are available). But it is equally possible that some may not, so here goes. Tony’s Chocolonely is, essentially, an edible virtue signal and the brand came to the wider attention of the public when it dropped a festive clanger last Christmas by producing an Advent—sorry ‘Countdown’—calendar in which one of the sections proved to be empty when you opened the door. This led to outrage—yes, really, outrage—amongst parents who had to deal with upset children.

I must say that I found the reaction almost as stupid as the reason that Tony’s had decided to leave out a chocolate. My kids would just have opened the next door – probably of someone else’s calendar. The advent door was left without a chocolate to remind people that in some parts of the world, not everyone has enough to eat each day. Well, ‘boo bloody hoo’. In parts of the world where people do not get enough to eat each day, I think they would have looked askance at the kind of spoiled brats who threw a tantrum over the missing chocolate. I doubt in the parts of the world where kids don’t get enough to eat that they have ever seen chocolate let alone a calendar with 25 (sorry, only 24!) chocolates in it.

The stunt backfired ‘big time’ for Tony’s who clearly had never heard of the adage ‘never apologise, never explain’. Their reaction was grovelling and nauseating including reference to ‘neurodivergent’ children: “Unfortunately, with our countdown calendar, we failed to consider the difficulties empty windows can cause for neurodivergent children & adults. We would like to welcome all feedback on how to make our products more accommodating for neurodivergent people going forward as it was not our intention to cause this issue.” Give us a chocolate break Tony. You have simply used a clanger as an excuse for further virtue signalling.

But Tony’s chocbaloney is not confined to Winterval (you can guarantee they don’t refer to Christmas). Those who purchase their regular Chocolonely bars are confronted with a bewildering concoction. Not wishing to appear ‘outraged’ I just think it is worth sharing that, unlike sensible conventional and time-honoured chocolate bars (Cadbury’s or Galaxy, for example) which are presented in regular sections, Tony’s Chocolonely is divided up into a bewildering variety of shapes none of which gives you a clear run at breaking off a section. There is a circle in the middle next to a large square surrounded by a series of seemingly random geometrical divisions. It is irritating to break up, flakes of chocolate fly off in all directions and it is remarkably hard to eat a thick irregularly shaped piece of chocolate. And the reason for this break with chocolate bar convention—you’re probably there before me—is, yes, yet another ridiculous virtue signal. On the inside of the cover (all made with recyclable paper and printed with eco-friendly ink…naturally) Tony’s explains its motives are to illustrate that the resources of the world are not equally divided. Again, ‘boo bloody hoo’. How, exactly does making a total mess of a chocolate bar help to achieve a fairer distribution of resources?

Tony’s website claims that “together we’ll make chocolate“ and advises that their chocolate is “100% slave-free”. Jolly good, except that it appears it is not, and they were removed from listing on Slave Free Chocolate run by Slavefreechocolate.org. This was the cue for another grovelling website entry and, despite their extant claim to be 100% slave-free they also say that they may not be. With apologies for quoting at length, but I really could not make them seem any more ridiculous by paraphrasing: “We have never found an instance of modern slavery in our supply chain, however, we do not guarantee our chocolate is 100% slave free. While we are doing everything we can to prevent slavery and child labour, we are also realistic. Firstly, we cannot be there to monitor the cocoa plantations 24/7, and we don’t believe in that kind of monitoring. And our ambition extends beyond our own bar: we want to change the whole industry which involves being where the problems are so that we can solve them. Only then can we say we have achieved our mission to make all chocolate 100% slave free.”

It is worth breaking the above down and polishing the gems therein. They can’t “monitor the cocoa plantations 24/7” which seems reasonable to me but then they go and spoil it with: “and we don’t believe in that kind of monitoring”. Why not? Then the wonderful pièce de chocolat: “our ambition extends beyond our own bar: we want to change the whole industry which involves being where the problems are so that we can solve them”. So that is alright then; it’s too bad if a few kids are enslaved making the particular bar of chocolate you may be chomping; it is all for the greater good. Sounds a bit like the maxim of the wonderful and recently departed PJ O’Rourke: “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” There is one final problem with Tony’s Chocolonely, which probably explains why I know so much about it: it is exceedingly good chocolate!

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.