The police have just solved the crime of the century—though it’s not the discovery of Jack the Ripper’s identity, nor the resolution of a long list of unsolved murders, or even apprehending the culprits of some of the world’s biggest robberies. No, this is far more important: Leicester police have caught one of their own officers for, wait for it… allegedly stealing toilet rolls from the station without permission or authority. Mystery solved. We can all sleep soundly, reassured that we will wake up with our loo rolls still in the bathroom.
PC Julie Smith apparently took the rolls from the precinct in Leicester, stashed them in the back of her car, and took them home for personal use. She was eventually caught by fellow officers. According to Leicestershire Police, she has ‘breached standards of professional behaviour, namely honesty and integrity’. Unfortunately, Smith can no longer be trusted at crime scenes, just in case she decides to pinch toilet paper from the victim’s house.
The officer, who has now left the force, will appear before a misconduct panel on Monday. The hearing is set to last three days. Here at TNC, we have already predicted how this might go:
Judge: You are accused of stealing toilet paper without permission, leaving many residents of Leicester worried and anxious. Some have even claimed they’ve locked theirs away in safe storage. How do you plead?
PC Julie Smith: Erm… not guilty?
Judge: Wrong. You are accused of taking the paper on three separate occasions in January and February last year. Now you’ve done it again. I’ll ask the question once more: how do you wee… sorry, plead?
PC Julie Smith: Speaking of wee, do you mind if I use the toilet?
Judge: Err… yes, but don’t take ages, or the toilet roll (laughs). Hammer crashes down.
(Ten minutes pass, and she doesn’t return)
Judge: Security, please check where she is.
Security leaves and returns a minute later.
Security: Shit.
Judge: What, is she taking a number two?
Security: No, she’s not there. And the toilet roll has disappeared.
Judge: Shit, indeed.
This farce is both hilarious and baffling. The fact that this case is true adds to the growing ample evidence that the world is turning insane. According to The Standard, 90% of crimes in England and Wales went unsolved last year. The police should be focusing on contributing to the 10% of crimes they manage to solve. But even this woeful record is agonising and here are just some of the cases they have been dealing with: jailing people for riot comments; arresting a man for posting something on Facebook; detaining a woman for just walking up to a demonstration, which we have a right to do in this country, remember; and tracking down and questioning a woman who was spotted taking a photograph of a sticker on a lamppost.
It’s disturbing to know we have dangerous criminals roaming free, with many thugs being released in recent weeks. Some criminals in this country should have been dealt with years ago, but are only now being brought to justice. Take the case of Wayne Couzens, the man accused of three counts of indecent exposure. He wasn’t arrested, and Kent Police dropped the case. He went on to murder Sarah Everard. This heinous criminal should have been dealt with earlier.
Further, a migrant who raped a child has not been deported on the grounds that he will not receive sufficient mental health treatment in his East African country; he is living freely in the UK. The rest of the thugs who are killing and disrupting the lives of innocent people need to be taken off the streets too—rather than a woman stealing toilet paper.
While no one condones theft, this is pettiness, and it’s certainly not something the police should be wasting their time on. After all, they probably have thousands of toilet rolls stashed away in storage. It’s probably fair enough that the officer involved should no longer hold her job, but disciplining her for what feels like a ‘tissue of lies’ is absurd; it is more likely that she needs psychological help. Presumably she can afford to buy her own toilet paper, but has some weird kleptomania regarding loo rolls. The hoarding of toilet tissue is nothing new, Covid has a lot to answer for. Her record should be ‘wiped clean’.
At least now we’ve got our bog rolls safely stored away for use as missiles, or a last line of defence in case we’re barricaded in our homes – shitting bricks during an attack or a break-in. Given the current state of the country, we are almost certainly going to need them one way or another.
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Clown world again – fine her £100 for each stolen roll and that’ll stop her doing it again. However better in PC Plod World to hold an investigation and spend £1,000’s on it (but of course lessons will be learned).
Some corny comments and ‘groan-worthy’ puns there! Certainly a bureaucratic over-reaction and a chronic waste of police and court time. Conclusions and remedies agreed with.