The Frank Report XXXV

Stop all the clocks, put down the iPhone,

Prevent Meghan from whining in her self-satisfied tone.

Silence the woke and the anti-white scum,

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

This week’s Frank Report is brought to you in full mourning, and I trust that wherever you find yourself, you endeavour to observe the proper etiquette at this time. Ensure your new £20 kettle is full to the brim, keep the booze flowing, and demand any BLM, Extinction Rebellion or LGBTQwerty flag in the vicinity at least has the decency to fly at half-mast. 

The death of her majesty the Queen not only outranks every other news story combined, but the subsequent outpouring of emotion from the public proves the following:

1. The multicultural pedlars were wrong – there is something profound within us called ‘Britishness’. 
2. For all the brazen fifth columnists in our midst, we remain more united than perhaps we realise. 
3. Her Majesty was the last of a great generation, and the Royal Family may cease to be relevant in her wake.

I shall not devote the entire Frank Report to her (we can postpone the full eulogy for later in the week), but please allow me to indulge our beloved monarch a paragraph or two, when virtually every minute of her 96 years was spent in devotion to the nation. She was, and remains what my dad would have called ‘a stayer’.

The statistics of her sovereignty are staggering. During her 70-year reign, The Queen was head of state for 32 individual countries, as well as head of the Commonwealth, presiding over a population of 2.5 billion. She swore in 15 UK Prime Ministers, and hopefully swore at 14 US Presidents. Visiting 117 countries, and carrying out over 21,000 official engagements, she was accompanied by 30 corgis, many descended from her first, Susan. 

It is for none of these milestones that I honour her however, but the quiet dignity which accompanied her service to the nation. On a personal note, I am hardly a royalist; my opinion on monarchy oscillates from a sense of the ridiculous in these equality-obsessed times, and a gentle admiration for the longevity of such an old-fashioned institution. 

Nonetheless, I, like billions around the world was touched by her passing. I never met Her Majesty personally, but I know people who did. A close friend of mine used to be head of the RHS. One of his duties was meeting and greeting, including of course the head of state. I once asked him what she was like, and this is as close to verbatim what he said: ‘Of all the VIPs I have met, often accompanied by ridiculous demands and entourages, she was the simplest. She just said ‘Where would you like me to stand?’’

Whether you knew her or not, The Queen was part of your life – as I discovered in 2011. Back at that time I was bankrupt, destitute and living in a shed. To avoid the unseemly, inevitable suicide, I jumped on a plane to South Korea, not caring what I left behind. Three months in, surviving but very alone, I visited a traditional folk village in the depths of the countryside. As it transpired, Her Majesty had beaten me to it – having visited the place in 1999 to plant a tree. There was a small museum dedicated to her, and upon seeing her photographs and the obvious affection she was held in, I couldn’t help shed a tear – it was not homesickness, but pride. 

Queen Elizabeth II was our symbol – a true global icon, universally respected and loved. She embodied all that Britain stands for, or at least used to: fairness, impartiality, good humour, dignity, service to something greater than yourself, and a sense of carrying on, no matter the situation. She was all of those things. 

Evidently I am not alone in my affection for her. Allies and former colonies alike have been quick to pay their respects, some quite profoundly. Leading the homilies was Canada’s Justin Trudeau, whose mourning garb fortunately blends effortlessly with his Al Jolson tribute act. Then there was President Macron, for whom you’d think a nonagenarian would be a bit beyond his target range. Nonetheless, he managed to eschew Channel hostilities long enough to proclaim ‘To you, she was your Queen. To us, she was The Queen. She will be with all of us forever.’ Even one of Joe Biden’s handlers had the wit to demand flags fly at half-mast.

And showing his softer side was a certain Vladimir Putin, who managed to suspend the war for five minutes while he penned the following to Prince Charles:

Your Majesty, Please accept our deepest condolences on the passing of Queen Elizabeth II. The most important events in the recent history of the United Kingdom are inextricably linked with the name of Her Majesty. For many decades, Elizabeth II rightfully enjoyed the love and respect of her subjects, as well as authority on the world stage. I wish you courage and perseverance in the face of this heavy, irreparable loss. I ask you to convey the words of sincere sympathy and support to the members of the royal family and all the people of Great Britain. Sincerely, Vladimir Putin.

The Queen was obviously rocked by the ‘great heartache’ at Phillip’s death, and no doubt sped to her grave by the allegations against Prince Andrew, as well as the constant headache of Meghan and Harry. While I remain no fan of now King Charles III, I was glad to see he insisted Meghan not accompany Harry to Balmoral. That was a good start, and one I hope he continues. Charles has promised not to be a ‘meddlesome’ King, and we should at least give him the chance to prove good on his word. 

Something we should also give a chance is the new Liz Truss government, also inaugurated this week. Putting aside the despicable media addiction to the wankwords ‘For the first time, none of the great offices of state are held by a white man’, as though that were some measure of efficacy, there are a few reasons for optimism. 

The odd genuine conservative appear to have made it to the cabinet. Jacob Rees-Mogg has been included, sadly not as Chancellor, but as Business Secretary. Kemi Badenoch has found a berth with Trade, though of course it should have been Education. And thank Christ, Suella Braverman has been handed the Home Office. She has it all to do, with almost 28,000 illegals crossing the Channel in 2022 – just a thousand shy of 2021’s total. The Frank Report shall be watching closely. 

If Liz Truss is holding out for the universal popularity Her Majesty enjoyed, she is unlikely to get it. Registering his concerns was the Kremlin’s foremost man of letters, Vlady Putin, who called Truss’s election ‘far from democratic’, which is bit like Sadiq Khan lambasting your stop and search policy. 

Truss may be getting things up to speed, but the wheels are well and truly falling off the Covid bandwagon. You remember everyone laughing at Trump for using Ivermectin to treat Covid? Well it turns out it reduces your death risk by 92% according to a peer-reviewed study. But of course you’re right, Trump is right-wing and sends mean tweets; best to stick to the approved Covid vaccines, which are now known to be 100 times more likely to cause serious injury to young adults than prevent them being hospitalised. The vaccines are so safe in fact, that Romania’s most famous football team, Steaua Bucharest, has announced a ban on vaccinated players. 

Threatening to ban all fuel supplies to Europe amid the energy crisis, is Russia – let’s face it, it’s a good job we’ve got global warming to fall back on. The Swiss meanwhile are threatening to jail anyone who heats their room above 19°C, with up to three years in chokey considered a suitable punishment. Personally, I’d have incarcerated the entire nation for that long after they shrank the Toblerone’s down, but that’s just me. And news just in that Britain may be forced to buy back gas already exported to Europe to keep the lights on this winter – you’d think there’d be a way to harness the never-ending diatribe coming out of James O’Brien’s gob, but perhaps the science hasn’t got that far yet. 

Something which clearly hasn’t gone far enough are the gender wars, with evermore far-fetched stories coming out on a daily basis. Ex period dignity officer, Jason Grant, is now suing his employer Dundee and Angus College for sex discrimination, after his job was axed following a backlash. The only way the story could be better, is if it turns out he doesn’t actually have a cock. Eddie Izzard meanwhile, who certainly does have one, has complained about his struggles to find romance ‘as a transwoman’ (no, I’m not doing the pronoun bullshit, sue me). Izzard, now embracing his feminine side, says he wants to date a woman – so he’s either after a lesbian who doesn’t mind cocks, or a straight woman comfortable with him in a dress – it’s a mystery they aren’t beating down the door. 

America’s worst ever bartender, AOC, claims she won’t be elected President, because so many Americans ‘hate women’. I don’t know what her problem is, why doesn’t she just go ‘trans’ like everyone else? And finally, after years of campaigning, the makers of Peppa Pig have bowed to the mob and added a same sex couple to its cast. This is a welcome shakeup in my house – both my daughters love Peppa Pig, but the one complaint I always hear during TV time is, ‘Daddy, why isn’t there any lesbian sex?’ 

Speaking of shakeups, the Royal Family is likely to be jockeying for position as we await King Charles III’s possible ‘slimmed down’ monarchy. Some movers and shakers have done well out of Her Majesty’s death. Kate Middleton for instance, has been made Princess of Wales – a nice spit in the eye to Meghan. So too are Meghan’s children likely to be made Prince and Princess, and I cannot help hoping that Charles does so just so they outrank her. 

You can’t keep a good woman down for long however, and that most certainly applies to egomaniac harpies. Despite a tough week, with The Queen’s inconsiderately-timed death, Me, Me, Me Markle still gave the keynote  speech at the One Young World Summit in Manchester, where she managed to reference herself 54 times in 7 minutes; pretty good going. 

Speaking of Khants, amidst the carnage on the streets of London, mayor Sadiq has once again come out to reprise his favourite paradox ‘Violent crime has no place in London’. Is clearly does have a place, which is presumably why London has been quietly installing Chinese facial recognition CCTV for our ‘security’. The cameras won’t stop you getting stabbed, acid-attacked or gang-raped of course, but at least they’ll allow your assailants to livestream your death, while the authorities search your history for offensive tweets to justify your slaughter. 

In other news, ten people are dead after a stabbing spree in Canada – I’ve been saying it for years, it’s well overdue for Justine to ban knives. Enoch Burke, a teacher in Ireland, has been sent to prison for contempt of court, after he refused to use gender-neutral pronouns for a transgender student. And Shamima Begum looks set to return to Britain. Shammy has grown a lot as a person, as she reflects on her dead children: ‘I’ve moved on from that part of my life. It doesn’t make me feel sad any more.’ But she does complain she doesn’t get the column inches she used to, because of Putin’s war: I think the world’s eyes are all on Ukraine so even if I put something new out it’ll get buried quickly.’ Meghan Markle may not have enjoyed the same society wedding as Shammy, but apart from that, those two could have been separated at birth. 

I’d like to give the last words to Her Majesty, whose immortal dictum is something we could all live by: ‘Never complain, never explain.’ May she rest in peace. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and tell your mother you love her – you never know how long she’s going to be around.