The Frank Report XXXIII

Welcome to another edition of the Frank Report, the place where we say the unsayable so you don’t have to. This week’s theme appears to be ‘taking the piss’, which is no great surprise; the great and the good have always taken the piss out of Joe Public, but they’re getting increasingly brazen about it.

King of pisstakes in Britain is pint-sized popinjay Sadiq Khan, who only last week claimed that hot weather and longer days were to blame for London’s homicide free-for-all. He’s changed his tune however, and is now putting it down to ‘austerity’ – which is great, because you’ve got the choice haven’t you? Presumably, what is meant by ‘diversity’. 

Just as the reason for your impending death (should you dare set foot on the streets of London) is subject to fashion, so too is the method. Whatever your bag, Khan’s got you covered. A day out in London is almost guaranteed to include acid attacks, gang rape, a bullet to the head, or today’s special, machete mayhem as rival gangs exchange gentle badinage alongside swipes with their 4ft blades. Nothing’s off the menu and at no extra cost, seeing as we’re all feeling the pinch. 

The pen-pushers have gone one better this week, naming Bradford ‘UK City of Culture’ – yes, you might be asking, that is the same Bradford that was recently discovered to be the most dangerous city in Europe. Not content with that, the powers that be have also declared Rotherham ‘UK Children’s Capital of Culture’ – and they’re quite right; if you haven’t taken your kid out for a bit of stabbing or inter-cultural gang-rape at least once during the school holidays, what sort of layabout parent are you?

Taking the piss at Westminster, are election officials, who have been accused of ignoring voter fraud by Muslims, for fear of ‘offending woke sensibilities’. Of course, voter fraud is vastly exaggerated by Islamophobes in Britain – just look at first and third Mayor of Tower Hamlets, the honourable Lutfur Rahman. Sure, Lutty was convicted of the odd bit of electoral fraud the first time round, but he learned his lesson, and scraped across the line in May with 549% of the popular vote to deservedly win his second term.  

All might be plain sailing in East London, but it’s choppy waters again for the Entente Cordiale as neither Monsieur Macron or soon to be PM Liz Truss can say whether Britain and France are allies (which is pretty much as it’s always been, to be fair). Bad news from the Treasury too, as inflation is set to hit 18% in 2023. Sure, that might cost you and your family the odd couple of quid, but spare a thought for Rishi Sunak, who has to spend 13 grand a year merely heating his swimming pool.

It’s not just inflation, but inflatables too are at a record high. On Monday, 1,295 illegal immigrants shimmied their way onto the south coast – to put that into perspective, the annual total for 2019 was only 1,900. While the Home Office remains about as effective as Prince Harry’s Rogaine treatment, Priti Patel has indicated she wants to stay on as Home Secretary. ‘My record speaks volumes’ she says, and it certainly does. The soundbite might work a little better however, if she chooses ‘My volume breaks records’. 

Labour MP, Rachael Maskell, has said we should keep accepting immigrants until Britain breaks – which would normally be a sensible Labour policy, except the Tories are doing quite well enough without any help on this one. As the cost of asylum tops £2 billion a year for the first time, it’s harder to ignore the possibility that the Channel crisis is deliberate government policy, rather than mere incompetence. 

Thankfully, there’s so much incompetence about, it’s unlikely anyone will notice. Chief amongst them all is the health industry, which has been taking the piss for the past two years, and shows no intention of stopping any time soon. Keen to keep social distancing going, GPs have already reduced 50% of their consultations to Zoom calls, but of course they’d prefer to get that down to Net Zero. This comes on the back of fit and healthy mums ‘suddenly dying’ while on the phone to their GP, which means if nothing else, the National Death Service is cutting out the middleman. 

The Covid scam has been a work of genius, but it can’t go on forever. Taking up the baton is the monkeypox, or rather the tomato flu, which is set to be next season’s must-have. We’re told that the chance of being attacked by a sex-crazed spider remain low, but never zero – which personally, I’m rather looking forward to. And if all that fails, a ‘stealthy new Covid variant’ is just around the corner, which can reinfect you every month – get your vaccine arm warmed up. 

By far the greatest achievement of the doom-mongers however, is the interweaving narrative of ultimate calamities: the Scylla and Charybdis of climate change and epidemic, which they are now trialling on us. ABC News took a crack with ‘Rise in heart disease may be explained by extreme weather conditions’, while the World Economic Forum chose ‘Climate and disease are not separate issues’ – translation if you pay enough tax and do everything we say, we might stop killing you. 

But the facts are beginning to filter through, even with the mainstream media fighting them all the way: masks don’t work – and everyone knows it. The lockdowns not only don’t work, but are 20x worse than no lockdown at all. And the vaccines themselves, well of course they don’t work – but at least they provide novel ways of dropping dead. 

Dropping dead seems to be what happens to those who come up against transgender, convicted murderer Demi Minor, who got him / herself sent to a women’s prison and mysteriously got two fellow inmates up the duff. In protest at relocation to a male prison, Demi has now attempted to remove one of his / her testicles (sorry, it gets confusing), and will hopefully now be known as ‘Semi Demi’ (but perhaps that’s too much to hope for). 

No matter; all adverts for transgenderism are positive of course, whether it’s drag queens for toddlers, 18-stone cocks in leotards, destroying women’s sport, or murderers after a bit of how’s your father in the nick. So it’s quite understandable that big business wants to get on-board. In an effort to appear more inclusive, Natwest has confirmed it will pay for trans staff to get privately-funded hormone treatment from next month. Meanwhile, Goldman Sachs has told its London staff they can have free sex-change surgery –  which is certainly worth thinking about the next time you pop in to make a deposit.

In retail, Argos have decided to scrap their ‘two man’ delivery phrase, after customers claimed it was sexist. It certainly is, though I have to advise you if you’re waiting for Big Brenda and Bertha to deliver your next washing machine, you might not want to hold your breath. 

No need to hold your breath for the next Royal headline though, as you know Meghan and Harry love those column inches. M&H, the Lidl of royalty, are planning to renew their wedding vows, as they are ‘more in love than ever’ (or is that what Meghan says to her magic mirror each night?). On the back of austerity, Kate and William are endeavouring to give their children as ‘normal a start as possible’, which is why they’ve chosen a £21,000-a-year prep school near Ascot for Charlotte, George and Louis – really roughing it with the plebs. 

And the feud continues between William and Harry, amid claims in a new documentary that things got so heated during a phone call regarding Meghan’s bullying allegations, that Prince Harry actually ‘slammed the phone down’. Christ, they’ll be leaving the toilet seat up next!

In other news, James Bond is ‘set to be on our screens until at least 2037’, as bosses sign a new deal taking 007 to his 75th birthday – which should see Owen Jones playing him by then. Two Kenyan tribes are reportedly suing Britain for £168Bn for the crimes committed during British colonial rule – unfortunately Boris Johnson has written back, explaining that those funds are already earmarked for a busy weekend in the Ukraine. 

And finally, Uppingham Community College in Rutland has refused to publish its GCSE results, stating that ‘ALL pupils should be celebrated’. Headteacher Ben Solly defended the decision, claiming that comparing results with previous years would be ‘irrelevant’. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the state of education in Britain. If you’ve got children, home school if you can.  

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and never miss an opportunity to take the piss out of the bastards. You know they’ll be taking the piss out of you, and on your dime.