The Frank Report XXXII

Welcome to another healthy injection of the Frank Report. Sure, it might bore you senseless, but at least it won’t kill you (unlike some other pricks we could mention). This week’s theme appears to be ‘Mastermind’, as the powers that be amaze us with their insight into the bleeding obvious (or in Sadiq Khan’s case, the obvious bleeding). 

First up is Priti Patel, who if you recall promised to ‘rule nothing out in terms of stopping boats’ – apart from actually stopping boats of course. It’s been a tough year for Priti. 20,000 illegals are now officially understood to have crossed the Channel – that’s double the number this time last year. A few days ago it was only 18,000, which suggests that the Border Force is not only wilfully incompetent, but has also got Diane Abbott at the tiller, on-loan from her Countdown duties. 

Those figures are only likely to get worse however, as the Royal Navy has announced it is going to stop migrant patrols in the English Channel. A Navy spokesman did contact the Frank Report, off-the-record, admitting the real reason for the withdrawal is that staff feel like ‘Uber drivers without the job satisfaction, or the rape opportunities to look forward to’. Still, not to worry, Priti has signed a new deal to send foreign criminals back to Pakistan. You might think she’d have got onto that a bit sooner, seeing as three out of four UK terror plots boast their roots in that great nation. But at least we’ve been paying them billions in foreign aid all this time, which should translate into enough mosques and four-star hotels to keep the Islamic Republic’s finest on the straight and narrow.

Meanwhile, the Channel invasion shows no sign of abating. 606 migrants crossed illegally in one day last week, and who can blame them after Britain became the first country to approve Moderna’s new Omicron jab? After the staggering success of the first four Covid boosters, who wouldn’t want another one, free on the NHS? Just ask Jill Biden – four booster shots and she still managed to catch Covid from the senile old hair-sniffer – should have gone for five Jill, just to be on the safe side.

The Biden’s notwithstanding, consider the range of benefits the vaccines have brought us, and I don’t just mean the odd bit of myocarditis, blood clots or sudden death. A Thailand study of young adults showed that nearly 30% suffer heart injuries after getting a Covid shot. Nearly half the pregnant women in Pfizer’s Covid vaccine trial miscarried – you’d think that might raise the odd eyebrow in the MSM. And new research suggests Covid lockdowns claimed 20x more life years than they saved – if only Britain’s 5M vaccine ‘refuseniks’ had warned us something was up. 

Drastic situations call for drastic measures. And with the Covid scam now in dire straits, the big guns are coming out. Someone appears to have woken Satan’s candyman, Tony Blair, whose Institute has miraculously penned a report claiming we have only three months to ‘save the NHS’. Naturally, the recommendation is that mandatory masks be brought back for public transport. How about mandatory hanging for traitors, first? (Just a thought.) 

Meanwhile, cancel culture is going great guns too (no, not for big Tone, obvs). The sissies at Warwick University have labelled Thomas Hardy’s work with a trigger warning (granted, Jude the Obscure is pretty hard going). Jerry Sadowitz has tragically been cancelled, because the soy latte-swigging, BLM-toadying, hipster wankers who frequent his shows have finally declared, ‘he’s just not woke enough’. 

Incidentally, not only was Sadowitz bang on the money about Jimmy Savile, he also lays claim to the best one-liner I’ve ever heard live: ‘I’m so perverted, I’d fuck paedophiles’. Cancel culture also came for Sir Salman Rushdie last week, in its more traditional, Islamic terrorist form. The attempted murder appears to have backfired however, as not only did Rushdie survive, but his book sales have skyrocketed as a consequence. If that’s all you need to make it to the bestsellers’ list, I’m available for assassination attempts on most days – please contact my agent for details. 

There’s increasingly less time for literature in education, but that could soon be spreading right across the board. Faced with ‘crippling energy costs’, schools are debating whether to opt for a three-day-week. Granted this would unnecessarily burden parents with the company of their own offspring, but more importantly it would require parents teach at least a hundred of the new genders – you have to ask, are we qualified?

It’s a tough time for the kiddies too. Generation Covid’s A-level results are predicted to slump this year, faced as they were with the anachronistic notion of actually putting pen to paper and sitting an exam. None of which matters too much thankfully, because most of the Russell Group university places are being flogged to Johnny Foreigner at four hundred percent mark-up. The people smugglers operating in the English Channel might get all the headlines, but the human traffickers of the English Chancellory could probably teach them a thing or too.  

There should be some way to blame white privilege for the dearth of tertiary education opportunities, but seeing as working-class honkies have effectively been blacklisted from university, racism has been delegated to the Royal Air Force this week. Yes, the RAF has decided to ‘pause job offers for white men’, to meet diversity targets. Well, we almost certainly don’t have enough jihadis in there, so how about sending along all the ISIS boys the Royal Navy just taxied in? This will thereby guarantee the Home Office manage to fudge the figures, and provide a bit of kamikaze for entertainment. 

Most regrettably, white privilege was not enough to save 87-year-old Thomas O’Halloran from a fatal stabbing at the hands of Lee Byers, a 44-year-old black man, in an unprovoked attack in Greenford, West London. O’Halloran was beloved of the community, and had been busking to raise money for Ukraine. Naturally in these kind of inter-racial contretemps, everyone from Her Majesty down will be on their knees for the next half-decade, and inner city riots will be held in O’Halloran’s honour twice daily. George Floyd must be shitting himself. 

Masterminding a takeover of the Royal Family is Meghan Markle, who is tipped to ‘jettison’ Prince Harry as she proceeds with her own ambitions – they’ll be telling us she didn’t marry for love next. Failing that, the gruesome twosome are rumoured to be attempting to create an ‘alternative woke Royal Family’ – the House of Castrati, or the House of Ingrate? Answers on a postcard please. And Will and Kate’s planned move to four-bedroom Adelaide Cottage will mean ‘not having a live-in nanny’. Times are hard right now, I confess I’ve let my dog’s hairstylist go part-time. 

At Westminster, figures reveal that empty Whitehall offices during the Covid pandemic cost us £12M. Jacob Rees-Mogg has suggested letting them out to Prince Andrew for the night, which should recoup most of the money, no questions asked. Before announcing his retirement from frontline politics, Michael Gove stabbed Boris Johnson in the back one last time with his cake knife by backing Rishi Sunak for PM. And as the Tory leadership kerfuffle drags on interminably, the only salient point appears to be that both candidates are markedly less popular than the outgoing PM – which must be some sort of a record?

It’s been a big week for gender, with just 29 of the 124 NHS hospitals in England with maternity units exclusively using the words ‘woman’ or ‘mother’. The other 95 naturally prefer the bullshit terms ‘birthing’ or ‘pregnant’ people. In light of this, Scotland has just appointed its first Period Dignity Officer, which is claimed to be a man. Somehow I’m a little sceptical on this one – has anyone checked his pronouns? Besides which, I’ve known some of those Scottish women, and let me tell you…

Speaking of big girls’ blouses, Sadiq Khan, the man whose ‘top priority is keeping Londoners safe’, spent the week lecturing us on ‘how to stay safe in a thunderstorm’. Seeing as annual stabbings outnumber UK thunderstorms by at least 1000:1, you’d think Sadie would be more worried about the blades, but don’t worry he’s got it all covered. After consulting his culpability cheat sheet, Khan proudly announced that the ‘spate of violence’ (six murders in four days) was due to ‘school holidays, long days and the heatwave’. You feel reassured now, don’t you?

In other news, England must reduce its meat intake to avoid a climate disaster claims government ‘food tsar’, Henry Dimbleby. Good job we all listened to Khan and forewent the barbies last weekend then, right? Ahead of the game is Haywards Heath town council in West Sussex, which has had the gall to instruct schools and businesses to ‘go vegan’. This comes in stark contrast to a recent ‘World Climate Declaration’, signed by some 1,100 scientists and professionals, who claim there is no climate emergency whatsoever. One thing’s for certain: either a few extra bribes are going to have to be coughed up for Net Zero, or Greta’s going to be pissed. 

And finally, a former Beatle has been found guilty of terrorism offences, and sentenced to life imprisonment in America – unfortunately it’s not Paul McCartney. Neither is it 52-year-old ‘Bradford dad’, Abdul Ghani, who has received the lesser sentence of 10 months after having drunken sex with a pony. Animals now officially have more rights than white girls in our northern towns – perhaps Abdul should have claimed he groomed the pony at the cop shop, and that although she was underage, she clearly consented to a roll in the hay. We shall keep you posted on how the romance blossoms.

That was Frank’s week. 

Take care of yourselves, who or whatever you’re dating.