It’s been a rebrand-heavy week, particularly among the Tory hopefuls at Westminster. Having spent the past 12 years masquerading as the ‘Net Zero Big Girl’s Blouse Brigade’, the Conservative Party has suddenly discovered the notion of conservatism. The pledges have been coming fast and furious, with Sunak and Truss simultaneously promising an assault on woke wankery, a chastity belt for the south coast, income tax slashed to 16%, an end to Muslim rape gangs (sorry, I can’t do the euphemism), and effective policing. Apologies to those like Braverman and Badenoch who may genuinely mean what they say, but we’ve heard it all before.
Meanwhile, as the record was smashed yet again for the number of illegals penetrating our border defences in a single day (over 600), Priti Patel suggests we pay France the tens of millions it demands in protection money to keep track of their finest rapists and murderers. Naturally Priti had the sense to rebrand the bribe an ‘investment’ in beach patrols and surveillance equipment.
And there was surprising news from Keir Starmer this week – no, not that he breached the ministerial code eight times, but that he managed to get himself blacklisted by Russia. The idea that the millionaire socialists of the Labour Party are on the take is hardly news, but it is something of a feather in Starmer’s cap that he’s considered too dodgy for the Ruskies.
With the possible exception of Durham Police who occasionally do some actual work, moonlighting as Starmer’s whitewash consultants, the British Constabulary rebranded themselves as an LGBTQwerty Stasi tribute act at least a decade ago, but failed to inform the nation. As a result, the Old Bill spent the week telling terrified female burglary victims that burglars have rights too, and arresting law-abiding citizens like Harry Miller for ‘causing offence’. On that rationale, they ought to arrest themselves every time they mince high-heeled outside their rainbow squad cars, but of course that’s an increasingly rare even these days.
Causing offence with every extra billion pissed up the wall is the NHS, or what should be rebranded the National Death Service, as that’s the only time it takes an interest in its punters. In Britain it seems everyone has rights, except those who deserve them: burglars, illegals, child rapists, murderers, jihadi scumbags, but not terminal little boys and their loving parents.
In typical NHS ‘care’, Archie Battersbee was denied pleas for a dignified death, as the High Court concluded it was ‘not in Archie’s best interests to be moved’. We’ve been here before with Alfie Evans – you recall the little boy who was refused treatment abroad, because it might have saved his life? My only hope is that there is a special place reserved in hell for health experts who override parent’s last wishes on the specious pretext of ‘compassion’. Rest in peace Archie.
When the pleasure of denying dignity to a grieving family gets a little staid, health experts like to devote their time to educating us on the latest epidemic – because it’s certainly not those fantastic vaccines. Causing fatalities left right and centre this week are ‘eating crisps and biscuits’, ‘napping’, and ‘death by joy’, as an Egyptian student died from a heart attack, allegedly brought on by news that he’d passed his exams with flying colours.
Pay no attention to reports that Covid boosters are now killing 1 in every 800 over-60-year-olds. The NHS has had it up to here with bed-blocking geriatrics, when there are real victims being denied psychiatric treatment for misgendering and triggering.
As if it wasn’t bad enough having the NHS berate us for everything we shouldn’t be doing, we’ve now got the wet-nurses at the World Health Organisation reminding us that it’s World Breastfeeding Week – if only women had known what to do with those things beforehand.
Speaking of tits, it’s all falling apart at Buckingham Palace. A man found with a crossbow in the grounds of Windsor Castle on Christmas Day, threatening to assassinate the Queen, has been charged under the Treason Act. Luckily, Charles and Andrew both have alibis. And despite Royal concerns, Prince Harry has promised ‘not to knock any family members’ in his upcoming bombshell memoirs – it’s going to be a f***ing short book then!
Assassination attempts aside, Her Majesty surely cannot go on forever, which leaves her sons jockeying for position. It’s looking bleak for Prince Andrew, as Charles has commented publicly that he ‘sees no way back’ to public life for his brother. Besides which, ex-wife Sarah Ferguson has mysteriously bought a £5M Mayfair home despite pleading poverty. In Prince Andrew money, that equates to a non-consensual kiss and a cuddle, though there is no suggestion of impropriety at this stage.
Prince Charles meanwhile has his own problems. You expect members of the Royal Family to be walking around with million pound suitcases from rich Arabs, but when they come from Osama Bin Laden’s family, you can’t help feeling Charlie Boy hasn’t done his due diligence. With the leader of Al Qaeda killed in a recent US drone strike, I trust that won’t be the end of Charles’ slush fund, but if you suddenly see Shamima Begum waltzing through customs with a smirk and an Alfred Dunhill attaché case, you know that all is well.
And the nation’s favourite face like a smacked arse, Meghan Markle, apparently ‘wants answers’ for the empty seats at Harry’s UN speech. How about ‘he’s a talentless, treacherous, honour-bereft, sorry excuse for a eunuch’? It seems Meghan is beginning to realise Harry is not going to catapult her to the fame she deserves, and is turning her gaze to US politics. The Duchess has been warned however, that ‘needing a lot of money to live’ as she does, politics is ‘very badly paid’. And that’s certainly the case – Nancy Pelosi, American’s hardest working gin endorser, has been slaving away for at least 35 years, and she’s still only worth $120M.
Looking across the pond, there was news that Covid has finally had about as much Joe Biden as it can stomach. With his approval rating the lowest of any President, one wonders why America hasn’t shrugged off the parasitic old fool yet, but then the Democrats are great at rebranding. They are of course, not building the racist border wall, but merely ‘filling in the gaps’, just as a recession is not a recession when the Democrats are in-charge.
It’s been a bit of a slow week for racism unfortunately, for one thing because those white privileged honkies are now the least likely group to attend Britain’s top universities. Still, the BBC managed to inform us ‘some girls can’t identify with the lionesses’ because of the despicable lack of diversity – we’ll get onto the 4x100M squad next week.
English garden planting should reflect Britain’s racial diversity, claims RHS inclusivity ambassador, Manoj Malde, who insists ‘As beautiful as RHS gardens are, they’re very much in an English style’ – which is the Guardian equivalent of ‘gardening is too white’. And Sesame Street characters are being sued for ‘ignoring’ two little back girls at a theme park – if that’s not worth $25M of anyone’s money, I’m going to have to misgender Big Bird.
In other news, universities are putting trigger warning on classic texts such as Beowulf for ‘violence, blood and monsters’. Sadiq Khan has made the ludicrous assertion that 100k cases of obesity have been avoided thanks to the ban of junk food advertising on TFL – he’ll have the figures for how many deaths this opposition to stop and search has caused next week.
In a rare outbreak of honesty, Britain’s most famous man in a dress, Justin Welby, confirms that gay sex is a sin (cos that’s what the Bible says, innit?). To counter the Church’s outrageous scriptural dogmatism, libraries are being encouraged to rebrand drag queens ‘pantomime dames’, because if the kids aren’t gay by the time they reach reception, there’s no hope for them.
The woke gestapo of the BBC are having so much trouble achieving their dream of 50/50 gender quotas, they are now taking the drastic step of hiring men – provided the men pretend to be women of course. Richi Sunak wants to charge £10 for every missed NHS appointment – that’s gonna skint a lot of GP’s, surely? And finally, half a tonne of cocaine was found hidden among bananas at an Essex port, which means no matter how bad your weekend was, Keith Vaz probably kept his pecker up.
That was Frank’s week.
Take care of yourselves, whichever rebrand you’ve got planned.
