The Frank Report XXII

Another Sunday, another breakfast in bed (I trust?), and we look back on another Royal-heavy week together, as yesterday marked the Queen’s official 96th birthday. As one approaches one’s centenary, it would be nice to put one’s feet up a little. Sadly, I fear Her Majesty is going to spend the weekend deciding which member of the Firm has cocked it up the most; it’s a crowded field.

Late entry, Meghan Markle, who always guarantees more cock than her husband, is rumoured to have ‘displeased’ the Netflix powers that be by failing to obtain a photo of Lilibet and The Queen. Prince Andrew, whose cock has been known to go AWOL on occasion, not only managed to contract Covid this week, but is also the subject of a top-20 single by The Kunts (no, I’m not making this up), entitled Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce:

The grand old Duke of York, he said he didn’t sweat.

So why did he pay 12 million quid to a girl he’d never met?

Full marks however must go to Prince Charles, you know the one who identifies as Prince Harry’s father? Widely expected to be made Regent after the Jubilee celebrations, the weak-chinned, flower-instructing, cow-muzzling Islamophile has shot himself in the foot somewhat, as reports circulate of his description of the Rwanda policy as ‘appalling’; reports which interestingly Clarence House have not denied, except to confirm that Prince Charles ‘IS ‘neutral’, or is that ‘neutered’? 

I don’t know how she keeps her spirits up, but if I were The Queen’s Gin and Dubonnet wholesaler, I’d certainly be looking forward to a bumper Christmas order this year.  

Something which purports be neutral, but really ought not to be, is the government’s lamentable Prevent programme, which aims to stop individuals becoming terrorists. Criticised for being racist and Islamophobic for over a decade, by fair-minded individuals like Shami Chakrabarti, the strategy is now being denounced by Dame Sara Khan for ‘failing to engage Muslim communities’. You got that, right? Stop conflating Islam with terrorism you bigots, and when our yoof become terrorists, that’s your fault too! No wonder Prevent spends its time pretending the major threat to Britain is ‘far-right extremism’, which presumably is still a euphemism for Brexit voters. 

To show just how tolerant and maligned they are, the Muslim community took the opportunity this week to peacefully demonstrate against the film Lady of Heaven, which tells the story of the Prophet Mohammed’s daughter Fatima. Naturally the storming of the Cineworld foyers was largely symbolic, and of course the death threats to the film’s director were just banter. Cineworld have caved and pulled the film, in case you were wondering; thank God we don’t have to deal with those far-right maniacs, otherwise we might really have a problem.  

If the Home Office were even remotely concerned about dealing with Muslim terrorism – you know, the kind that kills rather than offends people, this is the sort of thing they would be doing: 

• Harsh sentences for those committing terrorist acts / threatening them
• Close down all the radical mosques and schools (they know exactly where they are)
• Withdraw from the ECHR immediately
• Deport all foreign criminals
• Install the Navy in the Channel and prevent the next wave from coming in 

They won’t do it – you know it, and I know it. Which is why they are opting for ridiculous token gestures like the flight to Rwanda, which despite a legal challenge, surprisingly looks like it is going ahead next week. Yes, Prince Charles’ disapproval notwithstanding, a staggering 30 seats will be occupied. This should make a major dent in the conservative estimates of 1.2M illegals on our shores, and the 65 who cross the Channel every day. 

In sport, England football manager, Gareth Southgate, was apparently surprised to hear England players booed for taking the knee before their match against Hungary. Is he not aware that the world has moved on from BLM, and we are supposed to be worried about the Ukraine, monkeypox and Pride month right now? Loathe football as I do, I can’t wait to see the lads kneeling with their rainbow flags at the World Cup in Qatar later this year – let’s see how keen they are when it’s their neck rather than a virtue signal on the line. 

At Westminster, Boris Johnson has welcomed the ‘convincing’ confidence vote victory, which basically ensures leadership hopefuls will be on manoeuvres in perpetuity. One to watch is potential dark horse, Penny Mordaunt. Famous for her despatch box eviscerations of Labour dead wood like Angela Rayner, Mordaunt has a bit of Thatcher-class about her. It’s just a shame she seems to believe chicks can have dicks, but then that’s a common affliction these days. 

It’s bad news for freedom of information, as Parliament has blocked the disclosure of MP’s porn site visits on ‘national security’ grounds. In fairness, when you stop them having their cake and ginger growlers, what else are they supposed to put on expenses? Sign up for tractorporn.com today, and get a 50% House of Commons discount – just tell them David Lammy sent you. 

In health, the monkeypox is picking up the pace, and Britain is certainly doing its bit with well over 300 cases. Vaccines are already being wheeled out – anybody have a sense of déjà vu? And Canada has gone full loco, aiming to be the first country to put health warnings on individual cigarettes, such as ‘poison in every puff’. That should help people kick the habit, because most smokers I know do so for health benefits, and are clearly confused by the packaging. 

If we’re putting pointless labels on fags, I think it’s only fair we put political slogans on individual politicians too, irrespective of what they pretend to stand for. Perhaps Justin Trudeau could have ‘fascist black-faced pansy’ stamped on his forehead, while Sadiq Khan could opt for ‘a stab in the dark never hurt anyone’. 

On Woke-watch, the University of York has put trigger warnings on its archeology course, because students might be upset that the dead bodies they excavate aren’t as airbrushed as their Instagram pages. London mayor, Sadiq Khan, has announced £1.2M funding to tackle environmental injustice, because ‘the climate emergency is one of the biggest global threats we face today and we know that it doesn’t impact all Londoners equally’. 

And finally, Mattel have unveiled a pregnant Ken doll to mark Pride month. Well, they haven’t actually – it was an article for the Babylon Bee. But give it six months, and if there isn’t a pregnant trans doll by Christmas, everyone at TNC will start reading the Guardian and self-identifying as Labour activists. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whether or not you’ve had your monkeypox vaccine.