It’s hard keeping track of politics these days, with the plebiscites coming thick and fast. In the aftermath of Britain’s local elections, two things are certain, however: first, it wasn’t quite the armageddon for the Tories many had predicted. And second, beyond the London bourgeoisie (for whom a Labour government equates to an Instagram virtue signal), Keir Starmer has all the appeal of erectile dysfunction.
The Labour leader has further increased his chances of never becoming PM, by promising to fall on his sword if he is fined over ‘Beergate’; sentiments echoed by Party stalwart Diane Abbott, who commented: ‘I’m a loyal supporter of Keir Starmer, I’m just making the common sense point that if he gets a fixed penalty notice he should consider his position.’ Diane certainly considered her position multiple times when dating Jeremy Corbyn, and nothing would make her happier than to see JC ensconced back on the frontbenches.
Fat chance of that with Angela Rayner as deputy PM, and it’s notable that our Ange has made no such promises to resign for a party she ‘didn’t attend’. With or without the obligatory cock, she is still more a man of the people than Starmer will ever be, and it would certainly shake things up at Westminster were she to assume leadership of the Party. In fact, rumours are that frontbench Tories are auctioning off their seats at PMQs in the event of a Rayner leadership, for those who missed out on the first Basic Instinct screening, and want a front row seat for the next one.
Local elections aside, there was disappointment this week for alien hunters as scientists confirmed humanity would have to wait 400,000 years to make contact with an extraterrestrial civilisation. But hang around for the next Labour government, and you’ll probably be in time to catch it.
One thing you’re less likely to catch these days is Covid, as UK infections are down considerably; it’s amazing how unimportant those five tests a day become when the taxpayer isn’t picking up the tab. This is more bad news for Starmer, as the reported 20 years it ages your brain and 10 points it knocks off your IQ could have just swung it at the ballot box for him.
Still, don’t worry if you’ve missed out on Covid – you’ve now got the chance of catching monkeypox, thanks to our illegal cousins crossing the Channel. It turns out Rwanda wasn’t much of a deterrent after all, and our African friends can’t wait to entrust their health to the glorious NHS; the envy of the world. Channel crossings are only likely to increase, now the BMA has voted to stop charging overseas patients for NHS treatment. But then, exactly how much can you charge patients for making TikTok videos full time?
You might think the nation’s favourite sacred cow was taking the piss, until you discover how seriously they view misconduct. Only this week, an NHS medic was struck off for inhaling laughing gas during operations. The Health and Care Professional Tribunal Service admitted they regretted the decision, but pointed out that the practitioner hadn’t updated her pronouns, made no effort to eradicate her ‘English accent privilege’, and point blank refused to lend a hand with ‘cock-birthing’.
Sacked too is everyone’s favourite damsel-in-distress, Meghan Markle, whose animated series for Netflix (selflessly based on her own childhood) has been cancelled amid the 200,000 subscribers the company mysteriously lost overnight. Which means Netflix have effectively paid Markle $100M to bankrupt them – still less than the price of a Prince Harry legover, but not to be sneezed at.
It’s squeezes not sneezes facing most families at the moment, as inflation hits a 40-year high; threatening to push the nation into recession. Never fear however, the government is on the ball. Not only has the Johnson administration promised to cough up an extra £1.3Bn in military support for Ukraine, they are also cutting off Russia from the services sector, because ‘doing business with them is morally bankrupt’. If it helps you sleep at night, Britain has no plans to sever ties with Saudi Arabia, Bahrain and Burundi, because moral bankruptcy sometimes has its compensations.
Most families may be facing a squeeze, but not the Royal Family. Her Majesty has taken preventative measures, banning Harry and Meghan, as well as Prince Andrew from the balcony at her Platinum Jubilee. A Royal insider is reported to have said, ‘Her Majesty doesn’t trust herself not to give Andrew a quick shove over the railings. And with the prospect of Harry and Meghan in her earhole all day, Liz says she ‘can’t afford the Anadin’.
In other news, Nicola Sturgeon is on record stating ‘defining a woman could harm trans people.’ In fairness, it could also slow her down a bit in the Holyrood singles bars. The RAF has apologised for an email requesting a ‘preferably non-white male’ to represent them at the Top Gun sequel. And in Tower Hamlets, they only elect white men until something better comes along.
Thank Christ for Lutfur Rahman, the vote-riggers vote-rigger – the only man who can make Somalia look legit. Yes Tower Hamlets’ favourite son has been re-elected as mayor, after his excessive 5-year ban for the odd bit of electoral fraud, intimidation, bribery, corruption and ballot box tampering. And the man still finds time to canvass – you’ve got to give it to him, and so they did.
That was Frank’s week.
Take care of yourselves, whoever your vote was harvested for.
