The Frank Report XLIII

Welcome to this week’s edition of the Frank Report, where we find the curtains inside Number 10 slightly altered, but the sewage emanating from the bathrooms much the same. Rishi Sunak has done well (not just in lasting a week), but in presenting himself as an alternative to the similarly-named former Chancellor who presided over the largest fall in living standards since records began, inflation at a 40-year high, and the most onerous tax burden since the Second World War. Quite a coup. 

In fact, it’s hard to know which Rishi Sunak will show up to work in the morning – will it be the billionaire globalist who spends six and a half times the average energy bill heating his swimming pool, or the Kia Rio driving, flip-flop sporting ‘man of the people’? Your guess is as good as mine. For instance, last week’s Prime Minister wasn’t planning to attend COP27 – the Sharm El Sheikh climate summit where the world’s chief ponces lecture the plebs about their carbon footprint, from the cockpits of private jets – nice work if you can get it. Cue an 11th hour summons (from Klaus presumably), and Fishi Rishi is suddenly on his way, declaring ‘There is no long-term prosperity without action on climate change’. By which he presumably means billionaires are unlikely to become trillionaires, unless they can coerce Greta into an epileptic fit the next time she gives her ‘How dare you?’ spiel. 

Meanwhile back in Blighty, the Just Stop Oil ecoloons ratcheted their campaign up a notch by taking it where they should have started – to Downing Street. Mysteriously the Old Bill (armed this time with guns, not tea) were able to swiftly remove and detain them – it’s remarkable what you can do when you try, isn’t it? The group promised a ceasefire until November 4th, by which time if their demands were not met they would ‘escalate’ the protests. Not taking any chances is ex-Health Secretary, Twat Mancock, who has chosen the relative safety of the Australian jungle to avoid the orange ‘ooligans. ‘Cocky’, as his friends and aides know him best, is likely to prove just as effective an MP at home or abroad, and it can only be hoped he gets to sample some of Down Under’s best bugs in a bush-tucker trial; a menu he would most certainly foist on the British public should he get close to a ministerial briefcase and lockdown ever again. 

In the Royal household, Prince Andrew, the world’s most expensive Sure commercial, nervously awaits King Charles’ decision as to whether his next non-sexual encounter will be funded by the Royal purse. Harry and Meghan look set to lose their Royal titles if Harry’s memoirs ‘attack the family’ – a done deal then, seeing as the book promises to attack ‘everyone and everything’, and seeing as any book written by Harry which didn’t sell his bloodline down the river, would contain precious few pages. 

Prince Harry has tried to backtrack on the contents, claiming he ‘had to sex it up’ after his ‘touchy-feely’ first draft was rejected. In other words, he thought he was being paid $40 million to waffle on about his days at Sandhurst, but Penguin Random House made him piss on his grandmother’s grave. Despite ‘pleading with pals and ex-lovers to open up for him’, most said no, meaning he was left to make it up; lucky he had Nutmeg on hand really.

From strained relations to resistant strains, the Covid is back with a bang – this time with two mutations health officials warn ‘may be immune’ to current vaccines. Not quite the scoop it might once have been, seeing as every strain is immune to the vaccines. But that’s still not good enough for some parents, who want a better chance of killing their children off before Christmas than a bad case of the flu. A large conglomeration of whom appear to live in Southampton, where the pop-up jab clinics are now giving 5-11 year olds the ‘wrong dose’. Any dose is the wrong dose of course, seeing as children are at no risk whatsoever (except from the vaccines themselves), but these poor tots got three times the dosage they ‘should’ have been given. Call me sentimental, but I almost prefer the traditional forms of child abuse – at least with Jimmy Savile the kids got a day out and a front seat at Top Of The Pops. 

Popping across the Channel at the rate of 1,000 a day are Albania’s finest drug dealers, offered lucrative signing bonuses from the drug gangs using the migrant camps of northern France as a job centre. That’s 40,000 illegals this year washed up on Britain’s shores, in a nation where 1 in 6 are already foreign born. Space is so scarce in fact, illegals are now having to share their luxury hotels with the public. This isn’t all bad however, as it allows for ‘joined-up government’ – the gang rapes can now be delivered to your door, along with the over-priced club sandwich. 

Our great cultures have taken no time to intermingle, with the rape and sexual assaults of teenage boys by ’30-year-old men’ splashed all over the news (‘alleged’ naturally, because it can be so confusing for teenagers in our multicultural paradise). Jeremy Hunt of the week, Diane Abbott, had the audacity to justify the rape thus: 

Teenage boy raped at hotel housing refugees. Terrible case. But it is what happens when you demonise migrants and take NO responsibility for safeguarding migrant children. #SuellaBravermanOut

Same old Labour: betray the nation’s children for cheap votes, then blame it on the (admittedly) non-conservative government. God bless Suella Braverman for calling it an ‘invasion’ – that’s exactly what it is. She will do well to remain in post however, not least because she’s fighting more than just the illegals; she’s also up against the EU, the bulk of Westminster, the media, the WEF, the RNLI, the Border Force, every lobbyist in Christendom, and most of her own Party, who appear to oppose her doing her job. 

Still refusing to do their job are the Old Bill, aided and abetted by Sadiq Khan, who doesn’t like them doing any real work anyway. Thanks to Sadie, more than a thousand ‘young Londoners’ have been removed from the Met’s Gang Violence Matrix – leaving the database at its lowest level ever. As our beloved Mayor explains: 

The fact Black Londoners have less trust in the Met should concern us all. That is why the comprehensive overhaul of the Gang Violence Matrix is so important – increased scrutiny and transparency will help increase the degree of confidence all of London’s diverse communities can have in the Met. As a direct result of the police acting on the recommendations, the Matrix database is now more effective and more evidence-based than ever before

Translation: if you’re black and not a mass murderer, we’re taking you off the database. 

That’s a shame, because those of a less myopic approach to facts tend to agree UK crime is at a record high, with Britain’s woke police forces solving a record low. Presumably during his next mayoral term, Sadie will ensure only those who identify as honkies be allowed on the database, but that’s still at the discussion stage. 

Speaking of identity bullshit, marathon runners are now being allowed to compete in a non-binary category so they can compete as their ‘authentic self’. In New South Wales there is a move across school communities to rebrand Grandparents’ Day ‘Grandfriends Day’, because obviously kids in Australia aren’t traumatised enough having Matt Hancock imposed on them. And the latest attention-seeking party trick appears to be ‘age queer’, those who reject the ‘young/old binary’, and like to pretend that ‘time is not linear’ – bet you wish you’d thought of it now, don’t you? But hats off this week to Jørund Viktoria Alme, a Norwegian able-bodied man who identifies as a paralysed woman, and uses a wheelchair ‘almost all the time’. Jørund gets it – the world’s insane, you might as well play the game. 

In other news, Salman Abedi was apparently skulking around the Manchester Arena for 90 minutes before detonating his bomb – security men didn’t challenge him,  because they were worried about being seen as racist. On the upside, at least Labour politicians didn’t have to be ‘offended’. All-American Kansas girl, Allison Fluke-Ekren, better known as the ‘Empress of ISIS’, has been jailed for 20 years after leading a female a death squad in Syria – in hindsight, she should have chartered a Channel dinghy and claimed she was Shamima Begum. 

Greta Thunberg (give me ISIS any day of the week) has upgraded her climate change schtick, and now vows to overthrow ‘the whole capitalist system’, which she claims is responsible for ‘Imperialism, oppression, genocide and racist, oppressive extractionism’. Clearly fearing another Greta lecture, Vladimir Putin has promised to put us all out of our misery, with nuclear war guaranteed the next time she has a little turn.

The NHS is soon to ask 12-year-old boys whether they are pregnant – but remember, it’s underfunded. An Oxford philosopher has argued that it’s ethical to let meat-eaters die – would you want a vegan giving you mouth to mouth though? And in the quest for free speech, Chief Twit Elon Musk has sacked half the Twitter workforce, including the Human Rights, Accessibility, Ethics and Curations teams; none of whom will be any great loss. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever fripperies you’re cutting back on. 

Please forgive the begging bowl message – The New Conservative is free, and always will be. Everyone on the magazine works pro bono, but there are still costs involved. If you enjoy our work, please consider making a donation – no matter how small, it will really keep us going.

Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor