The Frank Report VI

Gender’s a tricky subject these days, with boys and girls encouraged to chop and change the contents of their pants like we used to collect Panini stickers. That’s worked out well for ‘transgender’ swimmer Lia Thomas though, who broke the Ivy League 500M freestyle record so clearly, she had time for a shower and a shave before her opponents got their hands to the wall. Who knows, perhaps rudder-assisted swimming will go mainstream?

While the men pretending to be women have been on a jolly-up, women pretending to be men have not had it quite so good. Justine Trudeau, Canada’s finest perm masquerading as a leader, has been driven to the brink of despair by the despicable outbreak of toxic masculinity witnessed in Ottawa this week. 

Poor Justine has been forced to call the police in, as protestors not only refused to smash the place up, but had the gaul to sing ‘O Canada’ good-naturedly. Without a BLM T-shirt in sight, a complete disregard for memorial desecration, and nary a statue dragged into the Ottawa River, police regrettably couldn’t find a single reason to kneel. What else could they do then, but charge the protestors on horseback? There is of course no truth to the rumours that protestors were injured, but animal rights groups were appalled by the damage to horses hooves, as racist, right-wing conspiracy nut-jobs did their best to headbutt them violently.

Justine aside, it’s been a rough week for women all-round. Virginia Giuffre has been paid £12M for not sleeping with Prince Andrew. You have to feel a little sorry for Fergie, who only got £2M in the divorce, and presumably had to actually do the deed. Blowing 12-mill is still nothing to the world’s most expensive blowjob, Meghan Markle, who is uncharacteristically at odds with Buckingham Palace this week. The Countess of Megalomania, threatened never to return to UK if her personal security was not paid for, to which her Majesty is rumoured to have replied, ‘that’s one massive gun you’re holding to one’s head!’

Over to Westminster, where Labour’s finest millionaire socialist, Emily Thornberry, has branded the unvaccinated ‘selfish’, stating she would never date anyone who hadn’t had the Covid jab. The government has not confirmed reports that the entirety of Rochester has been placed on suicide watch, although there was widespread sharing of St George flag’s all over social media in solidarity. 

Ange Rayner meanwhile, has sparked controversy for stating her commitment to law and order, adding that police should ‘shoot terrorists first and ask for donations later.’ There was vigorous condemnation for our Ange, even amongst the party faithful. Not least Keir Starmer, who admonished his potential successor that it was customary to sit on the fence until everyone else had made their position clear, and Diane Abbott, who wisely observed ‘Being dead makes it harder for terrorists to vote Labour.’

In weather terms, the BBC (ever-thrifty with the licence fee) braced us with the news that women are hardest hit by climate change. This was later confirmed as Storm Eunice battered Britain, and it fell to The Independent to report we’re not as scared of female storms as we should be, because of sexism. This flew somewhat in the face of a previous headline, ‘Sexism means female hurricanes are deadlier than male ones’, although a spokesnonbinaryperson for The Independent put the confusion down to a state of pre-meterological tension. 

In policing, the MET have reacted severely to the very public dismissal of Cressida Dick by Sadiq Khan, stating they have ‘no faith’ in the mayor. Indeed, it is alleged that emotions were running so high at Scotland Yard, some officers even took a break from painting their nails, and policing tweets to do so. 

And finally to the EU, who won’t stop calling long after the divorce. Brussels, about as popular as they are at Christmas, have offered a second referendum to double check the ‘final decision’. Although likely to appeal to the Tarzans and spin doctors of this world, the unfortunate truth for the EU, is that a certain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been placed in-charge of Brexit Opportunities, and is likely to politely tell them to floccinaucinihilipilification off.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, you know the government won’t.