When dealing with scumbags, ’Hit ‘em where it hurts’ is usually the best policy (whether one favours an attack to the wallet or the more traditional swift knee to the groin), and it certainly proved the right choice this week. As it turns out, University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill was perfectly willing to accept that calls for Jewish genocide ‘might’ constitute a violation of the university’s code of conduct, provided she was first stung to the tune of $100 Million. Although Penn State has a well-documented affection for chicks with dicks, The Frank Report is unaware whether anyone in congress actually tried booting Magill in the balls as a pre-hearing softening-up exercise; either way, post resignation she’s more likely to be packing her meat and two veg (as well as yours) at the local Walmart.
While $100 Million might buy you an academic volte-face across the pond, it stretches to little more than a tenuous charade at Westminster. After 13 years of ‘five-point plans’ to really, really get to grips with immigration this time, the British public’s patience is wearing thinner than a Boris Johnson prophylactic. Rishi Sunak is now having to outsource the pretence to foreign nations (including Rwanda at £100 Million a pop), who are perfectly willing to join the French in sitting on their arses, drinking Château Lafite – under the strict proviso that they never have to actually take any immigrants.
Lies can only be sustained for so long however, and for Sunak the game could soon be up. Even immigration minister Robert Jenrick had started to notice after 1.2 million illegals popped over to Britain during the last 12 months, that there might be “Too many migrants to integrate into society”. Yeah, no shit Sherlock. But seriously, what’s the world coming to if you can’t rely on Cabinet ministers to lie properly? Politics is truly in the gutter.
Such expensive connivance is also pretty tough on the public purse, particularly in the run-up to Christmas. Far from alleviating fears of another Winter of Discontent, Deputy PM Oliver Dowden has advised Brits to stock up on torches and candles in preparation for power cuts, pandemics and lockdowns, as well as the imminent national bankruptcy. “We have to prioritise as a nation” Dowden explained to The Frank Report, “clearly, we can’t expect people to forego the tea-lights and non-reaction to the next Islamic terror attack, but we do ask people not to stockpile toilet rolls this time around; instead, anyone wishing to wipe their arse, will be issued with spare copies of The Guardian – nobody reads that shit outside the BBC anyway”.
Smelling blood on the opposition benches, Keir Starmer was quick to undertake a ‘Maggie makeover’; replacing the flip-flops with a handbag, perm and pearls (useful for clutching) – although he clearly forgot the massive testicles. Writing that Thatcher brought “meaningful change” to Britain, Starmer proceeded to waggle his ballot box seductively in the direction of disaffected Tory voters with the ill-deserved confidence of Angela Rayner’s elocution teacher, when he suggested she was ready for high society based on her mastery of the English alphabet.
The festive season has got firmly underway in the capital, as Sadiq Khan managed yet again to say ‘Merry Christmas’ without actually mentioning the ‘C’ word – although, that’s not something the public struggles with whenever they mention him. “It’s party season in the capital and I want everyone to safely enjoy themselves” Khan tweeted, presumably while pissing himself with laughter. “Don’t forget, if you see something that doesn’t feel right, please report it online, where the police will be more than happy to ignore you just as much as they do face-to-face.”
Sadiq had in fact been ticked off this week by the Office for National Statistics, for falsely claiming knife crime had failed under his watch. Of course, the ONS may technically be right, but they failed to take into consideration that A) unlike the rest of London, minimal knife crime takes place beneath Khan’s Rolex, and B) he isn’t paying much attention to knife crime anyway.
The MET Police meanwhile were busy ‘policing’ the latest Hamas march through London this Saturday, but under strict conditions. The Old Bill are getting a bit tired with mere placards and the innocuous chants of “Death to the Jews”, and have only promised not to intervene provided the protestors up their game a little, and at least incorporate a little lynching into the proceedings. Their sentiments were very much echoed by the full-figured vocal cords of Diane Abbott, who led demands for another Israel ceasefire, just hours after they broke the last one. “It’s only fair if Hamas get a chance to attack too” she simpered breathily, before returning to her Speak and Spell.
In other news, sex is back on the menu after Ghislaine Maxwell declared she intends to release the names of eight highly-classified individuals who slept with underage girls on Epstein’s Island; Hilary Clinton is rumoured to have her eulogy on standby. In a similar vein, an unlikely alliance has sprung up between the grooming gangs of northern England, and Hollywood hottie Jane Fonda (85). Asked why they had turned to partnership with the octogenarian, Rotheram-based ISIS heartthrobs Muhammed, Muhamad, Mohammad, Mohammed, Mahammad, Mohamad and Mohamed confessed they had enjoyed her quip about refusing to date anyone older than 20, because she “hates old skin”. “While 20 is a bit over the hill for us” admitted one of the Mohammads, “we’re clearly on the same side – and it wouldn’t hurt to get a bit of Hollywood PR for a change”.
From blind eyes to black holes, the Ministry of Defence equipment plan has a £17 Billion shortfall, according to the industry watchdog. While not denying the figure, Defence Minister Grant Shapps agreed to speak to The Frank Report off the record. “Sure, we’re a bit short in the trouser department” said Shappers, “but if it ever comes to fighting a war based on pronouns, we’re more than stocked up!”
And finally, in a break from his usual stoicism North Korea’s Kim Jong Un broke down in tears at a Mother’s Meeting in Pyongyang, where he begged women to honour their ‘housekeeping duties’ and have more children. While news reports erroneously attributed the outburst to a general concern about declining birth rates, Kim had in fact just had his Christmas turkey delivery cancelled by Waitrose, and was keen to guarantee ‘turkey substitute’ for next year.
That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember with Christmas only a fortnight away, you’d better start storing up that bilious hatred now – your relatives will thank you for it!
Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.
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