The Frank Report LXXI

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the English language is capable of no finer put-down than the wonderfully pithy “couldn’t pull in a brothel”; it also sums up the ‘Conservative’ government’s determination to give the electorate anything other than what it actually wants. Indeed, if the aptly-named Jeremy Hunt were our fiscal madam, his tuppence reduction in national insurance would have all the ballot box enticement of a dole queue blowjob, without the ‘blow’. Well might the Tories pant and scream about the biggest tax cut since the 1980’s, but seeing as they were the ones who got it up to its highest level since WWII, that’s hardly saying much. In fact, according to the Office for Budget Responsibility, the 2p saved on national insurance will only offset a quarter of the government’s tax rises since 2021 – which means not only is the taxpayer unlikely to get lucky in Chancellor Hunt’s boudoir, he’s also going to get fucked six ways to Sunday for having the gall to cross the threshold. 

Taxes of course aren’t the only way to screw the voters. Foreign Office minister Andrew Mitchell has announced £40 Million of new funding to ‘protect and promote human rights for LGBT+ people around the world’ – in other words (much like frustrated African illegals) if you can’t get your leg-over via the traditional route, the British government always has options for you. Meanwhile Prime Minister Cameron (sorry, Foreign Secretary) has wasted no time cosying up to the EU, and demands Britain “work more closely with Brussels on international and defence policy.” Say what you want about ‘Big Daddy’ Dave, but at least he’s committed to taking the losing side on any debate. 

It’s been a big week for immigration too, as the full extent of our government’s appetite for third world savages is now beyond denial. Yes, the ONS net migration figures of three quarters of a million are scandalous – but the gross figure of over 1.2 Million (offset by the half a million Brits who’ve had the sense to bugger off before they get blown up) is even worse. The figures are in fact so bad, that Keir Starmer (who still jerks off to photos of Schengen) has called them “shockingly high”. Meanwhile a ‘huge manhunt’ is underway for the six known terror suspects who ‘slipped’ into Britain on small boats this week – if found, please return to Sir Keir who is anxious to plug the ‘pro-Palestinian’ holes on his front-bench.  

We ought to remember a couple of things here: firstly, the Tories categorically know they are facing electoral oblivion in the near future, and have admitted “It’s do or die!” Which not only means this is the best border security they can muster, for the public it also means “We’ll do nothing, and you’ll die”. Secondly, the Calais Chief of Police has been off sick for the past 14 years, and has received £500 Million from the Exchequer while swimming and playing golf. Any sensible Brit should come to the following conclusion: A, the government is taking the piss and B, I’m moving to Calais. 

Of course, the benefits of unlimited immigration are undeniable and this week’s beneficiaries were the Irish, had they the sense to appreciate it. Sure, you get the odd bit of cultural conflict, but this is often overblown by the media. The BBC took the right approach, and stuck to the facts: “Three children and a school care assistant were injured in a knife attack in the city centre.” Those Irish knives, eh? No doubt the knife in question was taken away for psychiatric evaluation, so that should have been the end of the matter. 

Unfortunately, some of the locals objected to an Algerian migrant randomly stabbing women and children, and took to the streets in protest. The police were quick to dismiss the “complete hooligan lunatic faction driven by far-right ideology”, while Irish premier, Leo Varadkar, said he would immediately look to introduce new hate speech and incitement laws, to ensure Algerian jihadis can go about their business unmolested.

While naturally The Frank Report doesn’t wish to stereotype any more than offensively necessary, it’s clear that the thick Micks of Dublin haven’t got the memo. Whenever the next non-terrorist terrorist attack occurs to the secular cries of ‘Allahu Akbar’, protocol dictates that we dig the tea lights out and start digging graves to the accompaniment of Oasis. Sure, you can take to the streets to scream for Jewish genocide under the pretext of caring about Palestinians, but you can’t get your knickers in a twist every time Sean and Siobhan are blown to smithereens, otherwise the government might have to do something to prevent it. Hopefully these ‘far-right’ lunatics will learn, given enough time

In other news, Wembley stadium has confirmed it will not longer light up to mark terror attacks as it cannot afford the electricity bill. Don’t worry if you’re a BLM con artist however, they’ll still be offering free blowjobs at the start of every match. The BBC revealed this week that black women were most likely to die in the London plague, prompting the conclusion that the Black Death was racist. Some activists suggested we rename it the ‘White Death’, but that would inevitably give more attention to those white privileged bastards. Thankfully, some well-intentioned North African citizens were on the ball and at the ball in France to redress the balance. “We are here to stab white people,” they proclaimed, before knifing 17 people and murdering a 16-year-old boy. President Macron resisted calls to award them the Légion d’Honneur, on the grounds that they’d failed to sport any LGBTQwerty flags. 

There were reports this week that the BBC has banned Jewish staff from marching against antisemitism, although The Frank Report understands that marching for Jewish genocide in office hours is still mandatory. A new poll revealed that half of the British population believe the Met Police deal with protests badly, while the other half are too busy screaming ‘Allahu Akbar’ to notice.

There were shocking scenes in Holland as ‘far-right’ Geert Wilders led his Party for Freedom to a dominant victory in the Dutch elections. Conservative Europe may well have celebrated, but the BBC was in situ to disabuse us of any similar misconceptions. “Geert Wilders’ publicly expressed views are so provocative that he has been under tight police protection since 2004” they said. What are these views, you might ask? Wilders has unbelievably linked Muslim immigration with terrorism – a link so tenuous, even Emmanuel Macron has managed to join the dots. But seeing as we all know Islam is the religion of peace, remind us again who he’s under attack from?

A mystery form of pneumonia is spreading in China schools – just in time for Christmas, what were the odds? Migrants housed at an asylum seeker facility in a small UK village have complained about not having access to Wi-Fi. Poor dears, it does slow the grooming business down somewhat if you have to find your victims the old-fashioned way. 

Angela Rayner posed this week for British Vogue in an outfit worth £3,570, but still managed to look like gristle dressed as mutton. Meanwhile Pope Francis, the world’s most famous man in a dress has hosted a transgender Vatican luncheon, for other men in dresses. Everything was going great until the post banquet tradition of ‘hunt the choir boy’, when the rule book failed to confirm who would be chasing whom.  

And finally, when asked what piece of classical music best summed up the Labour Party, Keir Starmer opted for Beethoven’s 9th. When it was pointed out to him that the choral symphony was in fact not better known as “Ode to Jihad”, Starmer went quietly back to his Schengen lithographs. 

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, whatever ‘far-right’ activities you’ve got planned.

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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