The Frank Report LXVIII

As any observant reader of The Frank Report will know, we have it on the good authority of Billy Ocean that “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”. Too bad the Billy Liars in Westminster favour a different aphorism, particularly when it comes to the pro-Palestinian ‘protests’ sweeping the capital: “when the jihadi shit hits the fan, the jihadi fans start shitting”. Soiling himself in public this week was a visibly panic-stricken Keir Starmer, desperate to hold on to the Muslim vote without going full Jeremy Corbyn. On the run (with the runs) from his own party, Starmer decided that appeasement was his only option – but what to do, when you’ve played that card so many times before? Having gone down on one knee for Black Lives Matter and fellated Israel in the Chamber, Sir Keir had no choice but to go the whole hog and prostrate himself for ‘Islamophobia Awareness Month’, with the unfortunate result that his poppy fell off. Obviously the Corbynites in the Labour Party were disappointed their leader couldn’t quite get it up for Hamas, but ‘Poppycock’ (peas be upon him) as TNC shall now refer to Starmer has learnt a valuable lesson in who’s pulling the Labour strings, and at least in future he’ll prove useful whenever a Boris bike needs parking in Tower Hamlets. 

As Armistice Day approaches, the Old Bill have promised to be “absolutely ruthless” at terrorist marches in the capital. Rishi Sunak has also told police and security chiefs to prepare for an imminent terror attack on the streets of London. Conveniently for plod, all the ‘terrorists’ will be easily identified wearing poppies, and are unlikely to resist arrest; clearing the field for the peaceful jihadis to really get stuck in. Taking a break from tearing down posters of kidnapped Jews, explaining the nuances of ‘jihad’ and handing out complimentary Palestinian flags to the yoof, MET Chief Sir Mark Rowley told The New Conservative that his staff are prepared for every possible eventuality for Remembrance Sunday, “Everything’s going to go off without a hitch, provided we don’t get any of those middle-aged Catholics praying silently in their heads; in which case, we’ll have no choice but to bring out the holy water cannons.” 

Meanwhile, the Covid inquiry has thus far been an unmitigated disaster – far worse than the expected whitewash. Rather than focus on the incompetence, the general buffoonery and the shameless mendacity which was de rigueur within the corridors of power, the media has decided to fixate on the “lack of diversity”, the “macho culture” and the “misogyny” at the heart of government, as well as lamenting the “severity” of former Chief of Communications, Dominic Cummings’, language. The British public does not give a flying Pfizer clot-shot about any of this, at least compared to being forced under house arrest, and force-fed vaccines which might kill them. Although in fairness, TNC does take its cap off to Cummings, who managed to out the Cabinet as “useless fuckpigs”, referred to having to sit with Boris Johnson “for two hours just to stop him saying stupid shit”, and immortalised Matt Hancock as the “cunt in charge of the NHS”.

In other news, the compassionate left were out in full force this week. “I’m sick of private schooled politicians”, carped private-schooled politician, Jeremy Corbyn. Public intellectual Gary Lineker meanwhile, has expressed concerns about Suella Braverman’s “hate march” comments in relation to the pro-Palestinian protestors. Not only has he come out in support of their proposed Armistice Day march, Lineker has also offered to referee a friendly football match between Hamas and the Israeli Defence Force, assuming they can get time off from other commitments. 

In fact, multiculturalism is going so well, ISIS have confirmed they are going to start holding recruitment events in the capital at Labour hustings. Suella Braverman is pushing to restrict tents for rough sleepers, as it’s putting the illegals off their fillet mignon. And two women were arrested in London this week on suspicion of terror offences – although it’s unclear which Labour MPs this relates to, as there’s a preponderance of jihadis on the opposition benches these days. 

It is regret we announce that white people are still hogging all the good stuff to themselves. Dr Maggie Aderin-Pocock has confirmed “science is too white” and “all just done by European white guys”, despite being a black scientist herself. Her sentiments were echoed by MET Police wet-wipe 

Sir Mark Rowley, who announced the following: 

Over the last decade, a young black man is 13 times more likely to be murdered than a young white man growing up in London. That is a disgrace. 

It certainly is. Not to worry though, Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has confirmed Labour plans to round up a dozen honkies each week, and put them out of their misery to “balance the books”.

In Wales this week there was fury as the Labour government redefined women to include transgender females. Responding to criticism of the decision, Mark Drakeford confessed it stems from the inordinate amount of time he’s been forced to spend with Nicola Sturgeon – with the result that he could unfortunately “no longer tell the difference” between the sexes. Following on from 

Drakeford’s diversity push, a Muslim farmer has claimed he “wants more ethnicity in rural Wales”. I want more diversity in gang rape son, life’s a bitch ain’t it?

Sadiq Khan has faced criticism for his ULEZ expansion ‘tax grab’, which rakes in an impressive £715,000 a day. An unimpressed London Mayor responded off the record, “by the time I’ve paid my ISIS subs, and kitted out City Hall in Palestinian flags for Christmas, I’m not left with much’. On Thursday, the Islamic Regime in Iran astonishingly became Chair of the U.N. Human Rights Council. This move was met with derision by some, including the Democratic Republic of Congo, Qatar and Sudan, who all expressed concerns that “Iran might prove overly liberal”, but said that they wouldn’t start chopping off anyone’s heads just yet”. 

In Paris a woman threatened to blow up the subway shouting ‘Allah Akbar’, and was subsequently shot eight times by French police. Apparently the trigger-happy gendarmes mistook her peaceful calls for jihad for the homophobic slur “Alan’s at the fag bar!” – and they couldn’t allow that to pass unchallenged, could they?

And finally, A Muslim man who shouted ‘racist’ and ‘misogynistic’ abuse towards women on a flight back to Britain, including the phrase “white children are easy to rape”, has been jailed for 14 months. When summing up, the bemused judge asked him why he hadn’t simply raped the white children to prove his point – not only would he have been let off with a caution, the Old Bill would have dropped the kids off and cleaned his car out for him.

That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves until next time. 

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

An archive of The Frank Report can be found here.

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