The Frank Report LI

Welcome to this New Year edition of The Frank Report, where we herald the coming of 2023, and entreat it to be slightly less shit than its predecessors. Sadly we couldn’t get a marquee name like Jools Holland to compere for us, so you’re stuck with me. On the upside, I’m considerably cheaper, and always come stocked-up with Jammy Dodgers. 

This week at Westminster, 650 of the finest dodgy jammers have had the papers awash with ill-feigned prudery that ‘MPs found sex workers waiting in hotel rooms’ on foreign trips. Forgetting for a moment that the word is ‘prostitutes’ (let’s give them a hint of dignity for Christ’s sake), what exactly is the point of being an MP if parliamentary privilege no longer extends the right to get coked-up to the eyeballs, balls deep in the latest ladyboy auditioning for Labour Party women’s officer? That’s all they do at Westminster anyway, whenever they’re not screwing the country – did you never wonder why Keith Vaz’s coffee mornings were so popular? Jesus, even blind as a bat David Blunkett managed to turn his stint as Home Secretary into a three-year junket. Besides which, why deprive all those third world economies the guaranteed income from the chronically-repressed British legover?

Meanwhile, gearing up to have their wicked way with us again is the Labour Party – and it looks like it’s condoms off for this one! The latest pledges ad absurdum from Starmer and Co are the promise of £6Bn more ‘free childcare’; bad news if you’ve saved up till you’re 40 to knock out your first bairn, Keith wants you paying for everyone else’s. Then there’s a vow to ‘fight structural racism and disparity figures’ – an esoteric way of forcing more honkies onto the dole queue. Not forgetting a critique of the government’s ‘disgraceful’ crime statistics, headlined by over one million unsolved thefts in 2021. 

To be fair to Labour, they have got crime sussed. In order to make the figures more egalitarian, you can either demand the concealment of black male criminal records à la David Lammy, or actually remove young, black men from the MET’s gang database a few thousand at a time, on the grounds that it is discriminatory – Sadiq Khan’s method of choice. That’s socialism for you: you pay’s other people’s money, you takes your choice. 

Don’t you go making the mistake that 50% in the opinion polls is the slightest indication that The Labour Party is ready for government. They’re as corrupt and incompetent as any Tory administration you could find – it’s just that when they get caught on the take, it doesn’t count. Labour MPs are more than partial to a bit of how’s your father and the odd backhander, having lapped up £35,000 in gifts and junkets from striking unions over just three years. Chickenfeed certainly, but it’s worth pointing out whenever the next reference to ‘Tory sleaze’ wends its way to the microphone with ill-deserved confidence in the House of Commons. 

What a time to be a politico! Dogshit all around. On the one hand you have Starmer’s Labour – a Party so devoid of substance, you could have hatched them in a vacuum. Indeed, any vaguely conservative government – i.e. one capable of securing the border, policing the streets, and proving fiscally responsible, would have Starmer on single digits. But we don’t have that; we have the Tories – a Party which stands for less than Black Lives Matter. In fact, if they don’t watch their step, Sunak’s senior sultanas are in very real danger of losing their seats at the next election – particularly if Nigel Farage dusts off his mustard cords and returns to the fray. Iain Duncan Smith, Dominic Raab and Theresa Villiers are all potentially in the firing line, assuming big Nige takes over Reform UK as is rumoured. It really is too bad that a certain Jacob Rees-Mogg has left his leadership bid 12 years too late. There was a time when that would have piqued my curiosity. Now, I cannot see the Tories as anything other than a busted flush.

Feeling flush meanwhile are England’s hospital trusts, who are pissing £8,220,783 a year down the toilet on equity, diversity and inclusion officers, at the same time as just over seven million patients await treatment; don’t you just love the NHS? You can never be too inclusive though, can you? A lesson the Church of England appears to have learned, as they rewrite Christian carols. You might think fire and brimstone would have proved resistant to woke makeovers, but you’d be wrong. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen for instance, now looks like this: 

God rest you also, women, 

Who by men have been erased, 

Through history ignored and scorned, 

Defiled and displaced;

It’s a sad state of affairs when the Church can no longer be relied upon to uphold its values. I remember simpler childhood days, when even the most ancient and far-sighted vicar perfectly understood time-honoured traditions like hunt the choir boy. With self-identification all the rage nowadays, who knows what’s going on beneath those cassocks any more? Your guess is as good as mine. 

Your guess is also as good as mine how 2023 is going to treat last year’s favourite son, the Coronavirus. Rumours were the powers that be were lining up the release of something equally unpleasant in the New Year (another Jedward album possibly), but it seems that Covid hasn’t quite given up the ghost. For instance, over 50% of Chinese arrivals at Milan Airport recently tested positive for the virus. Whether this means another strain is on the cards, the Chinese aren’t actually vaccinated (although, what difference would it make?), or that President Xi can’t be bothered wiping us out slowly, and is now sending the virus over in drones is unclear. Answers on a postcard please. 

If you need your mind taken off your impending doom, racism is still your best bet. Although the market is now so watered down, if you want anything hardcore you have to go for the anti-white stuff – you know, progressivism. Still, it’s been a bumper week. Time magazine (who rarely let the side down) came out with a belter: The white supremacist origins of exercise, because as we all know, those New Year gym membership cards always come with the complimentary white hood, and 12-months admission to KKK jamborees. 

If you’re white and fancy a job in healthcare, good luck landing a position with the NHS, who now demand interview panels justify the hiring of whites over candidates from ethnic minorities. According to the Daily Mail, this is already the procedure at the Royal Free Hospital, Hampstead, where the chairman must write to the chief executive to explain such a decision. And UN officials claim reliance on hi-tech solutions to the climate crisis ‘perpetuates racism’, which presumably means throwing chicken blood at the sky is no longer being given sufficient consideration? 

In other news, an embarrassing blow was dealt to the UK Border Force, as not only are the airports running ‘better than usual’ thanks to the Army, but, denied their customary taxi service, some of our would-be Channel illegals have turned their dinghies back in protest. There was understandable anger after Police Scotland chose to describe paedophiles as ‘minor attracted people’, thereby normalising the crime. Thanks to Sturgeons ridiculous new gender laws, surely any paedphiles north of the border can now simply identify as children themselves, thereby scotching the problem of a conviction before the Old Bill are even on the case? 

Meanwhile south of the border, Isabel Vaughan-Spruce – the woman arrested for praying in her head outside an abortion clinic, has now been charged with ‘intimidation’. Again, a rookie move by young Isabel – had she had the wit to get down on her knees, whip on the headscarf and broadcast the adhan, the Old Bill would have had the place closed down by lunchtime. 

Facing calls for closure is Politico, which has been roundly criticised for daring to brand Meghan Markle a narcissist on a par with Donald Trump, Elon Musk and Kanye West, which in fairness is rather unkind to those lovely lads. 

And finally, 1,200 scientists and professionals have declared ‘there is no climate emergency’. As if that wouldn’t piss Greta off enough, she’s also got herself embroiled in a social media spat with TikTok influencer Andrew Tate. Tate had tweeted Greta the following:

Hello @GretaThunberg

I have 33 cars. 

My Bugatti has a w16 8.0L quad turbo. 

My TWO Ferrari 812 competizione have 6.5L v12s.

This is just the start.

Please provide your email address so I can send a complete list of my car collection and their respective enormous emissions.

To which, Greta promptly replied:

Yes, please do enlighten me. email me at smalldickenergy@getalife.com

Startling originality there from Thunberg, going for the feminists’ favourite, below the belt attack. Of course, I am unaware of how small Andrew Tate’s dick is, but it’s interesting to see the little climate goblin departing from her teen tantrum tirade, and embracing more adult content. Presumably this now means she has disavowed her childhood protection, and the impending Tate retort (as soon as he gets out the nick, that is) of ‘titless’, ‘joyless’, and ‘sexless’ will be considered fair game? We shall see.

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and until next time may you all drink a cup of kindness yet, for the sake of auld lang syne. Happy New Year!