The Frank Report Christmas Special 

All good things come to those who wait, and thank Christ (literally), it’s the big day tomorrow! No, not the Tower Hamlets Suicide Bombers’ Reunion (generously put together by the Jihadi Jigsaw Association), but Christmas itself. In keeping with tradition, The Frank Report would like to bestow peace on earth and goodwill to all men – apart from Hamas, Guardian readers, Jeremy Corbyn, The Conservative Party, Owen Jones, The EU, Joe Biden, The BBC, Antifa, Black Lives Matter, and ISIS (apologies to any other ultra Liberals we may have forgotten to offend). As is customary, Christmas television is likely to feature heavily in the proceedings, and Netflix have assured us they pulled out all the stops this year with remakes of festive favourites. Keep your eyes and your spuds peeled throughout the day for instant classics such as Pfizer’s Die Hard With a Vaccine, Stonewall’s A (20-stone) Christmas Carole, Sadiq Khan’s It’s a Wonderful Knife, and 2024’s must-see, The Tavistock Clinic’s The Snowtranswoman. With the niceties out the way, let’s get to the substance (and more importantly the booze, if you’ve got any). 

At Westminster this week there was an unfortunate outbreak of honesty, seeing as the majority of MP’s are now so pissed, they’re simply forgetting to lie. Prime Minister Sunak decided to come clean about migrants overwhelming European nations, at a gathering of European nations already overwhelmed by migrants. Yeah, no shit Sunak. Tune in next week, when Sir Mark Rowley will be advising the public on the downsides to getting stabbed during the festive season, not forgetting the Sadiq Khan lecture ‘Acid attacks may start off fun, but can quickly get out of hand.’

Spotting Rishi cosying up to Mussolini babe Giorgia Meloni, the BBC decided to refer to the meeting as a ‘far-right’ rally. Everything’s ‘far-right’ these days: objecting to your kids being gang-raped or blown-up for instance, but if you seriously think high-tax, unfathomable-debt, open borders Rishi is ‘far-right’, your political compass, like your Christmas turkey, might need a few more hours in the oven.

Sunak is right however, immigration is so out of control he’s looking increasingly unlikely to meet the ‘100 days to stop the boats’ target he set over a year ago. To make matters worse, the once deaf, dumb and blind Border Force has finally seen the light, making the astonishing revelation that the majority of ‘asylum seekers’ claiming persecution back home are in fact dinghying home for Christmas. Of course, we could have listened to the Swedes who pointed this out a year ago: 79% of asylum claimants holiday in their home nations. In other words, the asylum routine is a coordinated scam – and no one, neither governments nor activists should henceforth be allowed to pretend otherwise.

Meanwhile at the Covid inquiry, former education secretary Gavin Williamson set pulses racing (ill-advised with myocarditis all the rage) as he claimed the 2021 school closures were ‘wrong’, a ‘panic decision’, and ‘against the best interests of pupils’. If only millions of us plebs had warned about this sooner, Gav. In Scotland, you could soon be charged a tax just to stay overnight – because the SNP doesn’t think having Humza Useless as your first minister is degrading enough. Speaking of useless, ‘Scrooge’ Sadiq Khan has been criticised for his one-day ULEZ free period, and encouraged to extend it throughout the festive season. “For fuck’s sake!” Khan hit back, “the only reason I agreed to it in the first place, is because no one actually travels at Christmas – can everyone stop trying to pick my pocket – that’s my job!”

Nick Clegg’s wife reportedly mocked David Cameron over his ‘shameless’ call for Brexit to be reversed, while David Cameron’s wife contented herself by mocking Nick Clegg’s wife for being Nick Clegg’s wife. And having stood to be Tory Prime Minister only four years ago, Rory Stewart has admitted he would be interested in serving as a minister in a Starmer Labour government – to which Keir Starmer employed the cutting rejoinder, “Jesus Christ, we’re not that left-wing Rory!” Try as he might however, Starmer is having trouble shaking off his extremist past – outed this week as a former lawyer for Hizb ut-Tahrir – an organisation so extreme, several of its members have admitted to voting for Jeremy Corbyn. Desperate for a makeover, Sir Keir posed this week in military fatigues – hoping to channel Margaret Thatcher, but ending up looking like Eddie Izzard sans machismo. 

In other news, if you’re looking for a cheap alternative to that overpriced summer holiday in 2024, look no further than North Korea. Asia’s number one tour guide, Kim Jong Un, has unveiled plans for his very own ‘Benidorm’ in a bid to ‘tempt Brits to North Korea’. Considering the shithole that Britain has recently become, living it up on the average monthly salary of $4 a month would undoubtedly prove a step up for many. Any trouble stumping up the airfare, why not give Southwest Airlines a try – a company praised for its enlightened ‘customers of size’ policy, which allows overweight flyers to purchase one seat and get another thrown in free-of-charge. North Korea’s Kim may be slightly on the beefy side at 5’5’’ and well over 300lbs, but how long before we all start self-identifying as fat fucks, simply to make ends meet?

For anyone unable to make the trip, it’s likely to be thin pickings back in Blighty once Keir Starmer is safely ensconced in Number 10. Jordan Peterson has made the apocalyptic prediction that ‘Britain will be Venezuela for 20 years if Starmer wins next election’, although a Labour spokesman was quick to downplay the comments: ‘Jordan is of course entitled to his optimism, however we’re not making any promises we can’t keep at this stage’. Speaking of the Labour Party, Guido Fawkes revealed this week that the website cunt.com (no, we’d never heard of it either) is now redirecting to Jeremy Corbyn’s Wikipedia page. ‘Typical straight, white privilege’ was the rumoured reply from Diane Abbott, Owen Jones and Sadiq Khan, who were all said to be apoplectic their own websites had once again been overlooked for the accolade.

Looking forward to 2024, there’s likely to be a few political earthquakes. In France, presidential hopeful Marine Le Pen has reportedly given Emmanuel Macron the ‘kiss of death’ by forcing him to deny immigrants benefits for five years instead of the customary six months. The damage to Macron is unlikely to be lasting however, having spent the best part of two decades kissing a corpse, surely Monsieur le Président has built up some sort of immunity? Meanwhile, unlike Prince Andrew many other high profile figures are likely to be left sweating it out after 177 names are set to be released from Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book. In response, Hilary ‘Scaramanga’ Clinton put out a cryptic press release which simply read ‘For anyone interested, my usual fee has doubled over the festive period’. And there were concerns when a car crashed into Biden’s presidential motorcade, although according to Jill Biden (who denies being the driver), the President was wandering about aimlessly elsewhere. 

As the mad rush home starts, be careful on the roads out there as that drive home for Christmas could cost you more than you think. Apparently, £5,000 fines and penalty points await anyone caught driving while listening to Christmas music – spare a thought for Chris Rea, who’s now effectively confined to house arrest. Still, he may find some alternative form of amusement over the festive season, as Britain reportedly now has a worse cocaine habit than Columbia. And with an incoming Labour government, anyone of means is naturally advised to snort the family silver, rather than let Starmer’s lot piss it away. According to the bookies, the chances of a white Christmas have significantly improved. 

Families being families, tempers will understandably flare across the dinner table, but please remember to keep everything in perspective. An angry husband beheaded his wife this week when she took too long to make him a cup of tea. I assumed this was an East London story, but it turned out to be India. While many feminist husbands will find themselves having some sympathy with the man in question – Christ knows, I get a little tetchy when my English Breakfast isn’t delivered first thing – but just for the record, I’d be curious to know whether his wife made the tea any faster without the distraction of her head?

And finally, take care out there gents as doctors warn you’re more likely to fracture your penis over Christmas than at any other time of the year. According to the British Journal of Urology International, this is due to the frequency of ‘wild sex’ couples embark on during the big day. Although, it may also be the increased opportunity of a blind date with Big Brenda from the King’s Arms’ darts team, whose vaginoplasty isn’t quite as easy to break into as she promised. 

That was Frank’s week. Have a very Merry Christmas one and all, and be sure to rest up well for 2024 – one thing’s for sure, it’s going to be lively!

Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.

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