Starmer in Store

The year is 2033, and the United Kingdom basks in the unmistakable glow of a decade-long Labour government. Britain has yet to fully leave the European Union, but is getting really bloody close to a deal for full, ‘non-member’ membership. Realignment with Europe has come surprisingly cheap. Thanks to the unique negotiating skills of Diane Abbott, UK Plc has only had to hand over 90% of its laws, intelligence, fisheries, and grant the EU a veto on any future general elections. In Brussels watering holes, the deal is light-heartedly referred to as ‘the night out with Angela Merkel’ – all the costs of a legover, with none of the benefits.

Flagship policies of the Starmer administration include genuine freedom of movement, thanks to the scrapping of border controls; a healthy bounce for the exchequer as white men now pay all tax at 75% (a small price for patriarchal enslavement); and state-ownership of all assets, with those accrued outside the benefits system redistributed to Labour voters in marginal constituencies.

A long-awaited overhaul of the voting system has finally been implemented. The removal of archaic restrictions now means younger citizens may vote in utero. Conversely, the mistaken Brexit vote of the elderly has led to the imposition of an upper age limit of 51 (conveniently coinciding with the age the majority starts voting conservative). Vote fraud has been eliminated thanks to the Electoral Victim Hierarchy, which confers additional votes commensurate with one’s oppression rating. Muslims, for instance, currently receive 3 postal votes per wife, provided the wives give their non-verbal consent.

Free speech, another problematic domain, has been greatly simplified under Starmer’s reign. In the interest of inclusivity, the right-wing press has been wound down. Instead, The Guardian is now state-owned, and required reading in all institutions. The newspaper is now run as a non-profit organisation, which fortunately required minimal editorial shift.

Starmer’s team are rightly proud, having purged the Party of all antisemitism; a Herculean task, until the ingenious recommendation that the word itself could simply be outlawed. Accusations of antisemitism are now classified as hate crimes, in and of themselves.

Communication in general is more nuanced, thanks to the Lammy Report on the inherent racism of the English Language. With the majority of the lexicon now outlawed (non-inclusive adjectives, unapproved pronouns etc), anyone wishing to speak may do so only while in possession of a speech licence (subject to immediate revocation by Twitter).

In demographic terms, a thriving Muslim population is plagued by persistent fears of Islamophobia. The Muslim Council of Britain blames under-representation in high office, understandable when only 80% of the cabinet, mayoralty, and heads of all UK police forces are Muslim. To finally put this cancer to bed, Labour has accepted the MCB’s upgraded definition of Islamophobia: any act which does not directly celebrate Islam.

Lutfur Rahman has been installed as Caliph of Tower Hamlets, which continues to thrive under Sharia Law. Meanwhile President of London, Sadiq Khan (a position he enjoys in perpetuum thanks to services to diversity), promotes the 100% Muslim zone to the West as a beacon of multiculturalism and tolerance.

Radical reform of the education system has been another Labour achievement. While traditional education plainly discriminates between teacher and student (conferring a misplaced sense of authority), today’s young people are sent to inclusivity centres between the childhood years of 5 and 30, on a compulsory voluntary basis. The centres are coordinated by diversity experts not teachers.

With high numbers of youngsters suffering PTSD from a toxic and triggering national curriculum, that too has been abolished in favour of ‘inclusiveness training’. The ISIS penpal system, and unpaid internships in London’s more vibrant knife gangs offer unparalleled access to first-hand experience of oppression. Notable mention must also go to Dame Shamima Begum’s Gap Year in Syria program, which has proved particularly popular.

This new approach to schooling does not mean examinations are any less rigorous. Thanks to heightened understanding of the victim hierarchy, nursery school delegates are now able to correctly answer routine ethical conundra:

If Tom has five apples and Fatima has four, who’s the racist?

At higher levels meanwhile, the rigour of modern education methods can truly be appreciated. This year’s A-level question proved tricky even for some of the nation’s finest diversity practitioners:

If Sam Smith identifies as a lesbian, and an imam removes her clitoris without an LGBTQwerty-endorsed rainbow switchblade, has a hate crime been committed – and if so by whom? (Show your working)

Law and order has been dramatically streamlined, thanks to the abolition of prisons (on the grounds of discrimination). The £5Bn saving has been reinvested into State liaison officers (formerly known as the Old Bill), who visit the alleged victims of crime, and ensure they understand the consequences of their racism.  

While traditional ‘crime’ no longer exists, whiteness remains a stubborn blot on the landscape; a blot facing closer scrutiny since the passing of Snow’s Law, which highlights the danger of too many white people in one place. Whites, consequently, are no longer permitted to congregate in groups of more than 1, and indeed white couples are forbidden to procreate. Any white couple wishing to remain together must apply for state approval, and adopt non-white orphans to demonstrate their commitment to diversity.

All majority-white institutions are now naturally illegal, including the Royal Family which has had diversity quotas imposed upon it. Given the forced abdication of King Charles III, Britain is fortunate that Meghan Markle deigned to assume the throne. In her benevolence, HRH has allowed Prince Harry to stay on as third footman.

And if you think the Labour Party are left-wing, you’re lucky you didn’t get another decade’s worth of the ‘Conservatives’. 

A version of this piece first appeared in Country Squire Magazine. 

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