Non-Statutory Guidance

How incredibly helpful of the Government, even in its dying days, to have nipped the trans/schools issue in the bud by providing ‘Non-Statutory Guidance for schools and colleges in England over Gender Questioning Children’. 

Let’s first set aside these three telling facts: 

1 That we have, in name only apparently, a UK government who feel empowered to act (I use this term loosely in terms of the definition of act being to ‘take action’, the other meaning (pretend) probably makes far more sense on most occasions) for England alone. Don’t the other UK nations deserve some guidance as well? 

2 The capitalisation chosen surely suggests that this small minority of gender questioning pupils are of far more significance than mere Schools and Colleges (my capitalisation) which they graciously attend. 

3 ‘Non-Statutory Guidance’ is on a par with ‘may contain nuts’, food either does or it doesn’t, but let’s anyway hedge our bets by saying something, no matter how useless this may be to those needing definitive answers (ironically in both cases involving nuts, or the absence thereof). 

Now, why limit this magnificent innovation of offering ‘guidance’ to just schools/colleges? “What’s sauce for goose is also sauce for the gander” (n.b. some geese may self-identity as a different gender to their sexual identity, but it’s difficult to understand the subtlety of honks). 

I fully understand that this trans school-kid guidance is only a draft for consultation, but surely other sectors of national life could similarly do with a bit of governmental attention, if only to clarify what they seem to have already decided? 

Here goes: 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the National Health Service’ 

Critics, especially evil anti-vaxxers, may still be under the illusion that the NHS exists to provide necessary essential health care to those British citizens who fund it. Consider using every opportunity to show that today it’s all really about big budgets, administration, and above all about being modern in outlook, this doesn’t come cheap and if as a result people can’t get appointments or treatment then this is something that is sadly unavoidable. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the Police’ 

Things have moved on apace since the 1950s, but the public just haven’t yet grasped this. Burglary, GBH, rape and fraud might seem like pressing concerns to victims, but the ‘thin blue line‘ can only stretch so far. Consequently do educate, whenever possible, by word and deed, making it clear that the rigorous pursuit of nasty ‘isms’ and especially thought crimes are far more important to the well-being of the population (particularly those who are most at risk of being on the end of a barage of hurty words) whether they yet know it or not. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the BBC’ 

Don’t cater to the bigoted views of licence payers and their obsession with entertainment – this is not the prime, or even secondary, purpose of the modern BBC. The BBC must take every opportunity to educate couch potatoes about ‘the latest thing’; it’s good for them and if a few facts need to be tweaked here and there, then so be it. Always be at the forefront of cancelling all misinformation by first knowing what information is permissible. The government counts on your loyal support, as does Mr. Gates, and we can make things pretty uncomfortable if we don’t get our messages across. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the Royal Family’ 

Forget the outdated notion that Royals are the custodians of British tradition. Look at novel ways of appearing to be really ‘with it’. Don’t be afraid of telling everyone below your pay grade (BTW that’s probably everyone in the UK) that despite lacking any relevant qualifications you are an expert in absolutely everything, but particularly in ‘the latest thing’, and that whilst you’d love to do your bit, it’s probably far more appropriate to tell others what they should be doing instead. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the Church of England’ 

Does God even exist, was Jesus his son and what’s that with the dove thingy? Thoughts on these quaint old-fashioned theological matters are really not as pressing as the current climate emergency or expensively apologising for things that happened more than two centuries ago. The Church has a ready-made fully enrolled staff who could really make a difference, if freed up from dealing with God-bothering congregations. Covid church closures anyway showed that face-to-face faith is so twentieth century! Also people, especially non-believers, want the Church to be really, really nice, so legitimising all other religions and running socially progressive schools is today an absolute must. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the Armed Forces’ 

War is a dangerous business and unfortunately people who choose to join up most often, very unfairly, get hurt (or worse) before civilians. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s a lot of shouting and it’s anyway always so demeaning to be given orders. Add to that the inbuilt sexism of those declaring themselves to be of the male gender forming the bulk of all three arms of the Armed Forces and it’s abundantly clear reform is essential. No country in the twenty-first century can be confident that it is properly defended unless those recruited are composed of a wide cross section of the population, but most definitely not packed out with young white men who form the mainstay of suitable recruits, as that would definitely be racist. Recruitment must set itself the task of rainbow washing (everything) at every opportunity. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the Border Force’ 

Force is such a brutal word and conjours up unacceptable visions of willfully stopping people from enjoying the same (or better) benefits of living in the UK as those who were born here, pay taxes and have family connections stretching back several generations. Urgent consideration should be given to a major rebrand of the dated ‘Border Force‘ into something that HM government and opposition can be really proud of, say ‘Welcome All’ or ‘Free Hotels R Us’. It is also interesting that the RNLI now plays a pivotal role, yet is fully funded by donations. If Border Force were more forward thinking surely TV adverts could endear it to the public and provide all the funding? 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for the Civil Service’ 

Politicians are like mayflies, but the civil service is like the rock of ages. Do not let elected fly-by-night amateurs make any decisions or change well thought out protocols, it will only end in tears (always theirs). Assist the government of the day by providing a solid immoveable expert block to anything that the public really wants. Only by prioritising things that lefty Guardian readers consider fitting will the civil service fulfil its potential and ensure that working from home (or on the beach abroad) with a decent pension to look forward to at the end continues as the driving force. 

‘Non-Statutory Guidance for Local Authorities’ 

Life is not a popularity contest, concentrating on and really doing well those few things that council tax payers want isn’t going to create highly paid adminstrative jobs at the Town Hall. Concentrating on basics is dangerous territory because the elected councillors might understand the arguments and make a scene. Always seek ways of extending operations into new areas which no one, at least on the council anyway, really understands or which are ‘specialist’ and not therefore questionable. Blame Westminster cuts for falling service standards, raise council tax by the maximum permitted each year, make key workers redundant but on no account explain why a growing number of ‘senior officers’ earn more than the Prime Minister. 

Martin Rispin has had a career in many different sectors, most lately in the fields of English Tourism and Heritage based Urban Regeneration. He now lives, retired, in Kingston upon Hull.

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