Crying in the Rain

It’s hard to make the past 14 years of Tory incompetence look polished, but Rishi Sunak certainly made a good fist of it during Wednesday’s farcical performance outside Number 10. Standing in the pissing rain with nothing to accompany him except the jeers of that megaphoned jackass, Steve Bray, and the New Labour theme tune ‘Things Can Only Get Better’, Sunak cut a lonely figure. I couldn’t help wondering whether the downpour had been pre-scripted and focus-grouped, in accordance with the classic Everly Brothers’ hit: ‘Crying in the Rain’:

I’ll never let you see

The way my broken heart is hurting me

I’ve got my pride and I know how to hide

All my sorrow and pain…

While many on the opposition benches will be cheering July’s snap general election, there are unlikely to be many Conservative MPs eager to hit the campaign trail. Thus far, 72 Conservative MPs have declared their intention to stand down rather than have their electoral arses handed to them, and I’d be surprised if that number doesn’t breach triple figures before the big day itself. Even the true-bluest of true-blue Tories must have looked on at the sorry spectacle of their diminutive leader, and concluded that while his best Gucci had been put forward, his heart simply wasn’t in it. They are not alone. 

The fact is, the electorate never really warmed to Sunak. Sure, he was everyone’s best mate ‘Rishi’ when he put the nation’s 400 billion quid Covid bar bill on the slate, but many inside and out of government still hold him accountable for the downfall of Boris Johnson, after his timely resignation as Chancellor. Like David Cameron before him, Sunak may simply be looking for a quick exit. 

As veteran politico Andrew Neil has already suggested, a snap election provides little more than the quickest and most dignified execution. Because if the Prime Minister has the slightest intention of winning the election, the timing makes no sense at all:

That’s not the way the PM was selling it however. “Now, we have really made progress” he said, “we got the news yesterday that inflation is down. Even though there is more work to do, the plan is working”. Really Rishi?! Surely even a party as out of touch as the Tories cannot delude themselves that a minor economic success will be sufficient to negate a 27-point deficit in the polls, particularly against the backdrop of open borders, mass immigration, unchecked criminality and draconian taxation?

There are alternative explanations. Nigel Farage for instance, believes the early election was a pre-emptive strike against a possible Reform surge, particularly one with him at the helm:

He was scared. He’d heard rumours, true or not, that I was going to go back into the frontline political fray and it would have give me a six month run against the worst, most insincere, Conservative Prime Minister in history, against the most boring house party guest as leader of the Labour Party. I think Reform was a very big factor in this decision.

Another possibility, is that the early election is an attempt at damage limitation. With respected psephologist Sir John Curtice having previously affirmed Labour are a 99% certainty of winning the next election, Sunak is arguably keen to stem the bad news. By calling the election early, it will be impossible for the Rwanda flights to take off (or more likely fail to take off), before the votes are counted. In other words, Sunak thinks this is as ‘good’ as it’s gonna get. 

There is another argument: with allies (not just umbrella holders) thin on the ground, I suspect that Sunak is saving himself the ignominy of a leadership challenge. Not even the Tory penchant for cabinet reshuffles can organise itself within a 6-week period, and the July election guarantees Sunak will remain captain of the ship – at least until the iceberg strikes.

And that iceberg now hoves firmly into view, in the rotund form of Keir Starmer and his nincompoop-heavy frontbench. Barring a mathematical miracle or a George Galloway coup, Starmer will soon be squeezing himself through the Downing Street front door and settling down to business; and what business it will be! If you thought the Tories failed to put the country and the people first, you ain’t seen nothing yet! First of all there’s Starmer himself, a man who’s never met a disingenuous cause he wouldn’t offer a blowjob. Then we’ll be treated to Yvette #RefugeesWelcome Cooper at the Home Office, and Rachel ‘cut and paste’ Reeves as Chancellor of the Exchequer. The crowning glory of course will be David ‘Donald Trump is a woman-hating, neo-Nazi-sympathising sociopath’ Lammy ensconced at the Foreign Office – although Dave insists we can ‘find common ground’, so that’s sure to work out.

And the much-touted Farage comeback? Nope, sorry. Big Nige gave us 24 hours to salivate over the possibility, before confirming yesterday that:

Important though the general election is, the contest in the United States of America on November 5 has huge global significance. A strong America as a close ally is vital for our peace and security. I intend to help with the grassroots campaign in the USA in any way that I can.

Certainly this is disappointing news, but not unforeseeable. I hate to say it, but in terms of the long game I think Mr Brexit might just be right. Reform does not have the ground force nor the infrastructure necessary to pull off a major victory in six weeks, with or without Farage at the helm. So why take the blame for the imminent Tory implosion? As TNC has long since argued, the Tories deserve utter annihilation at the next general election – the pinkos have to be cleared out, and conservative policies brought back in.

So strap yourselves in for the most lacklustre election campaign in living memory. Let the Tories self-destruct, and watch Starmer dismantle what remains of Britain. Then, and perhaps only then might we get the Farage-led amalgamation of the Conservative Party and Reform, and dare we say it, traditional, right-wing common-sense back in-charge. 

In the meantime, there is one benefit of a Keir Starmer government: with rumours that the New New Labour theme is likely to be ‘Things can only get shitter’, at least those toilet paper stockpiles might come in handy after all?’

Frank Haviland is the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West, and writes a Substack here.

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