It is just one thing after another for the poor Ukrainians. As if they had not suffered enough over the years, having to endure visits from such luminaries as Richard Branson, multiple visits from Boris Johnson and now they have Liz Truss with them. How much more do they have to take? One person even has monkeypox. They are still seeing Covid cases and, because these plucky little fellows have had the audacity to expel other unwelcome guests from across the Russian Border, they are now being threatened with nuclear annihilation. According to a delightful chap called Sergey Markov, they might even set one of these things aside for us in the UK, as our just reward for aiding and abetting the Ukrainian resistance. So, with the prospect of nuclear war getting ever closer, I have some advice for the people of Britain on how we ought to prepare for it and I hereby issue my five point plan:
Are your pronouns in order?
Many of us will perish and, when the politicians, emergency services and inclusion and diversity officers emerge from the bunkers, we don’t want there to be any awkward moments. Scenario: a rescue worker comes across a body – ‘Hey Sarge, I got one here, its male as I can see the charred remains of his winkie’ (thus speaks someone who clearly did not read ‘the memo’). Sarge replies –‘Now lad, you know full well you can’t make assumptions like that, after all women can have winkies too.’ Towards this end I suggest we have our pronouns tattooed on our chests to ensure that such embarrassing situations do not occur.
Are up to date with you inclusion and diversity training?
Have you attended the most recent staff development programme on unconscious bias, structural racism and transgender inclusion? Perish the thought, but no man among us would wish to go to their thermonuclear grave wondering if we had misgendered someone, held a door open for a woman inappropriately, or committed silent violence by not adding #BlackLivesMatter to every one of our tweets.
Did you purchase an electric car?
Your country may be going to perish in a ball of fire but that is no excuse for not purchasing one of those eye wateringly expensive virtue signals, having it parked in your drive and making sure all the neighbours know how much more money you saved this week by pushing it back from the shops. Imminent annihilation is no reason to continue killing the planet.
Are you still eating meat?
If you have still been shovelling away the occasional bacon sandwich and tucking into a Sunday roast, then you really deserve to burn in the fires of a nuclear hell. No matter that there won’t be a single furry little creature left unsinged once Vladimir releases his weapon (MATRON!!) remember the slogan ‘Meat is Murder’.
And finally…
The last day arrives, and you hear that the bomb is on the way, making its way through the stratosphere, to a place near you. I strongly advise you not to panic as we Brits don’t do that (except for Covid and blatant displays of white privilege). My advice is as follows:
-gather the family in the living room for a final rendition of that great anthem of defiance Ye cannae shove yer Grany aff a Bus
-fetch that bottle of Macallan 18 year old and a shot glass (go on treat yourself)
-put on the complete series of Carry On films
-have a copy of Neville Shute’s On the Beach to hand
and go out in a blaze of glory.
This is the end of this public service broadcast from The New Conservative (in the background We’ll Meet Again plays…).
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
