The Frank Report XXXVII

Ever feel like you’ve been sold a pig in a poke? If you’re a Brit, you’ve probably been feeling that way for most of the past 12 years, languishing as we are beneath the misnomer of a ‘Conservative’ administration. But the past week has been a particularly acute test of mettle. Much that the British taxpayer has been forced to sign up for would fail to meet its obligations under the Trade Descriptions Act – multiculturalism chief among them, which could shake even the most pansified liberal’s devotion to diversity. 

First up on the score sheet this week was Adio Adeshine, who took the 30-hour queue to view The Queen’s coffin as an opportunity for a touch of sexual assault and indecent exposure – well, it’s what the old girl would have wanted. Then there was Tower Hamlets’ favourite son (no, not Lucky Lutty Rahman) – Muhammad Khan, who tried to desecrate Her Majesty’s coffin, presumably because he’d heard there was now a postal vote going spare. 

Let’s not forget Mohammed Rahman, who was innocently trying to show police his lovely new switchblade, and accidentally got himself done for GBH and attempted murder. And of course there’s the massive police over-reaction to the large Hindu and Muslim presence on the streets of Leicester, which any Islamophobe could see was nothing more than a eulogy to Her Majesty’s passing. 

Pay no attention to Faisal Bodi of the Islamic Human Rights Commission, who claims the singing of the national anthem by Muslims is a demeaning act of servility and surrender, deserving condemnation – we all know the only people qualified to speak for Muslims are those who harvest their votes. Speaking of vote harvesters, the Labour Party Conference kicks off today in Liverpool – and if you need a good giggle, check out how Keir Starmer’s multi-millionaire tax dodgers want scousers to pay more tax.

Still, the handbags at dawn witnessed in Leicester is too big even for the mainstream media to ignore, so they’re pretending not to understand it instead. The BBC is scratching its head with headlines such as ‘The surprising violence in multicultural Leicester’ or ‘Did misinformation fan the flames in Leicester?’ It’s not as if there’s a unifying theme staring us in the face that we’re all too scared to mention; it’s not the right-wing for Christ’s sake – oh wait, perhaps it is. Labour MP for harassment and acid attacks, Claudia Webbe, has demanded ministers clamp down on ‘extremist rightwing ideology’, which apparently consist of people sharing videos on social media and ‘underlying Islamophobia in parts of Leicester’s communities’; nothing whatsoever to do with 7th century religious intolerance, which deserves no succour in Britain unless it’s at one of Tony and Cherie’s orgies.  

While multiculturalism continues to push the boat out, the Home Office are refusing to push the boats back. New Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, may be making all the right noises, but Thursday still saw 1,150 illegal doctors, engineers and brain surgeons cross The Channel. Of course, they’re only here seeking a better life while their wives, mothers and daughters fight the wars back home, but it has to be said the four-star hotels, free food, mobile phones, healthcare, cash, and Holly and Phil VIP passes for social housing don’t hurt, do they?

It’s some comfort perhaps that by the time the Conservative party actually gets conservative on this matter, there won’t actually be any British people left in Britain to bother about – maybe that’s their plan all along, simply to wait us out. 

Not waiting any longer is the European Commission’s answer to Rosa Klebb, Ursula Von Der Leyen, who has had it just about up to here with this democracy shit, and doesn’t care who knows it. You remember the EU – that lovely trading bloc we were fools to leave? Speaking at Princeton University on Thursday, Von Der Leyen was quick to dismiss concerns about the upcoming elections in Italy, and the possibility of a rightwing government: 

My approach is that whatever democratic government is willing to work with us, we’re working together. If things go in a difficult direction, I’ve spoken about Hungary and Poland, we have tools.

‘We have tools’ – translation: elect people we don’t like and we’ll skint you; God, I miss the Krays – at least you knew where you stood. 

Something which no longer seems to have the tools is the coronavirus, which turned out to be so feeble, governments were forced to inject the populace with lethal jabs, just so it wouldn’t get laughed at by Cholera and the Bubonic Plague in the showers. Yes, the Covid was a load of bullshit – but the vaccines certainly weren’t, which is why the ridiculous excuses for sudden death syndrome (gardening, watching TV, exercise) just keep coming. This week’s effort is ‘irregular heartbeats’ which seem to have come from nowhere (gee, let’s try and work that one out). 

Still, it should help out struggling families this winter. Not sure what to do with your kids at Christmas? Give them the Pfizer vaccine. Sure it’s not guaranteed to give them an irregular heartbeat, but at least after 20 weeks it has negative efficacy, which means they’re more likely to contract the virus and snuff it before you have to buy them any presents. 

Someone unlikely to have a good Christmas this year is Princess Meghanlomaniac, who it has just been revealed couldn’t believe she ‘wasn’t paid’ for royal walkabouts in Australia. It’s not been a good week for Nutmeg. Not only have her children been denied the HRH title, but there is also speculation that King Charles could wield the axe on minor royals in his slimmed-down version of the monarchy, including Prince Harry. 

While Prince William inherits the vast £1.2Billion Duchy portfolio and is appointed the Prince of Wales, Prince Harry was ‘left heartbroken’ after The Queen’s ‘ER’ initials were stripped from the military uniform he wore to the coffin vigil (presumably they left the ‘W’, ‘A’, ’N’ and ‘K’ in pride of place?) Jenni Murray can write all she wants about how ‘The Royals will regret humiliating Prince Harry’, but for a man who schleps his testicles around in his wife’s handbag, that’s quite a statement. 

Back at Westminster, ignoring the fact that Liz Truss has all the charisma of one of Herman Van Rump’s damper rags, we must give credit where credit is due; this weeks mini-budget appears a welcome respite. With income tax cut to 19%, abolition of the 45% higher rate, a reversal of the rise in National Insurance and the freeze on energy bills, the Truss administration seems to be taking a step in the right direction. Anytime LBC resident hernia, James O’Brien, is picking his face up off the floor, is a sure sign that the Tories have actually done something conservative for a change. 

In other news, 29 million people tuned in to The Queen’s funeral, with around a million mourners descending on the capital in person. Chief among them was Joe Biden, whose ‘Beast’ limousine got confused en route (much like its occupant) and ended up in a traffic jam. Fortunately the 100-car motorcade was largely comprised of his carers, so international embarrassment was avoided. 

Royally courting embarrassment was Canada’s right-on Al Jolson tribute act, Justine ‘True Do’, who sparked anger by singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the Corinthia Hotel in Central London. In Justine’s defence, for all his crimes against the unvaccinated, the freezing of protestors bank accounts, and in particular his murder of the English Language, I’d place shit karaoke pretty far down the list. 

Far down the list of acceptable payments for PayPal is the Free Speech Union, as free speech is clearly something they object to. The company has also taken the extraordinary step of banning an anti-pedophile group, while a pro-pedophile group remains – I suppose the macho urge to protect children is a bit passé these days, but then you PayPal your money, you takes your choice. 

Real men are a dying breed anyway. The US Air Force is the latest butch body, doubling down on the need for ‘inclusivity training’, with cadets now being instructed not to use divisive terms like ‘mum’, dad’, ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’; ISIS must be shitting themselves. 

We can’t even have mythical macho men anymore either. According to the Broccolis, the next James Bond films will have bigger roles for women and feature a more sensitive 007: translation, Bond is dead – put your money away. We could soon see the annihilation of men more generally anyway, after Putin finally unsheathed his weapon and threatened us all with nuclear war. Merely getting your cock out may soon be frowned upon, after PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) made the demand ‘meat-eating men should be banned from having sex’ – all well and good, but it does beg the question who’s going to cuckold them when they’re out hard at work?

And finally, a Michigan cannibal has plead guilty to killing and eating a man named Kevin Bacon. To be fair, a name like that was asking for it – Kevin Quorn doesn’t sound quite so appealing, does it?

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and remember – caveat emptor.