I was asking my 13 year old grandson about his week at school and he told me that he had been playing badminton, and really enjoyed it. That was the cue for me to expound on my own exploits on the badminton court, offer him some advice (actually, my only advice about badminton is that it’s not tennis) and I told him that when I was a student in Sheffield, I shared a flat with a Malaysian Chinese chap who was also the South Yorkshire badminton champion. I said that I had once watched him play a match which was so fast that I could not see the shuttlecock. “We’re not allowed to say that grandad, we have to call it the ‘shuttle.’” “What?” I asked him, “you’re not allowed to say the word ‘cock’?” He sniggered and confirmed that they were not.
So, there we have it. The cock is a proscribed word and, if we are not careful, one that may die out altogether. While few of us would parade the street with our appendage on show, it is clear that it is becoming increasingly dangerous to act in any way that is related to the fact you have one, as explained in these pages by Frank Haviland recently. Staring is out, as is paying a woman a compliment or flirting. How do people who think like that—specifically the New Puritans of Bristol City—think folk in civilised societies meet, marry and mate? What do they want? Arranged marriages as in Muslim countries?
But the cancelling of the cock, as evident in one of our local schools, takes things to a new level and I worry if this is going to turn into a national trend. If you keep a flock of hens, how will you be able to purchase one that does the business and then wakes you up in the morning when he’s done? “Excuse me I’d like to purchase a male hen.” “No such thing mate, their called c**ks.” Imagine the outrage if one of the woke brigade overheard that? Mind you, they would most likely be vegan and unlikely even to be purchasing an egg. In the local public park, they have some lovely ‘peas’. “What?” “You know, the male equivalent of peahens.” “Don’t you mean pea…”, “Don’t say it please as it is an expression of toxic masculinity.” And how do I explain to my youngest grandchildren what that bid bird is on the Kellogg’s cornflake packet?
What’s next, I wonder. Will we no longer be able to ‘cock’ a rifle or say it went off ‘half-cocked’? What about ‘cocking a snook’, ‘cocking your head’ (hmmm!), making a ‘cockup’ of something (woe betide) or just saying ‘cock’ as your car keys disappear down a street drain? I may be extrapolating too far from a single school but, mark my words, these things have a habit of spreading. For example, a ‘manhole’ is now a ‘utility hole’ (OK – make your own jokes up) and if you think I am making this up check the EHLION website. It is hard to know where all this is going to end but, if you ask me, it’s all gone to cock!
It is quite clear what the solution is. The word ‘cock’ must be replaced with the American word ‘rooster’. In order to stop any nonsense about hitting the rooster (Does one ‘hit’ in Badminton? I’ve never had the misfortune to play it) it should be renamed the ‘shuttlerooster’. There you are, job done and no cocks involved. By the way our local primary school has banned the name ‘Fanny’ or any mention of it. I long for some middle class couple to move in whose little angel is named Fanny. I am now going to pour another coffee and contemplate whether we need to ban piledriver