We are being subjected to almost saturation coverage of someone who is extremely unimportant and who seems terribly upset because that awful truth has finally dawned on him. We have him on the front pages, the inside pages, the reviews pages, the leaders and op-eds, and even on the letter’s pages. I feel it is my duty to subject readers to further coverage of the same, because it might help me to come to terms with how traumatic I find all this and to find that peace which surpasses all understanding, even that induced by a good malt whisky. So, here is ‘my truth.’
The ’ginger whinger’, the Royal coke head and former Nazi impersonator has finally published his book. I have not read it but, since I strongly suspect nor have the authors of the copious reviews I have read, that does not disqualify me from having an opinion. The book, apparently, is only half the size it could have been. The royal wordsmith and raconteur had to decide what to keep and what to leave out. How about ‘none’ and ‘all of it’, respectively Harry? For that reason he is threatening a second volume, unless the Taliban can stop him.
Revelations old and new abound. Thus we are told again about the inherent racism in the Royal Family, exemplified by curiosity over the probable skin colour of baby Archie. Frankly, I would have been more concerned about his hair colour. These remarks remain unattributed, but surely some intrepid journalist (as opposed to the cringeworthy, fawning wet blankets who have interviewed him to date) would play a game of Who am I? with him. Am I alive or dead? Dead! OK that narrows it down a bit. Am I male or female?
Amongst the new revelations is his claim to have killed 25 Taliban. I am not as surprised by that as I am at the fact that he can count. It was just ‘chess pieces being taken off the board’ according to Harry, but I don’t recall Gary Kasparov turning up at the world chess championships in a helicopter with a mounted machine gun. While war is hell and many do not grasp the grim reality, the fact that he has possibly endangered lives other than his own is unforgiveable; old soldiers simply do not do this. I was often asked if I killed anyone during the First Gulf War to which I always responded: ‘only by accident’ (I was in the Royal Army Medical Corps).
Then we have ‘Sausagegate’ with its multifaceted outcomes. On the one hand we have the unequal distribution of sausages (the edible ones) between the heir apparent and the ginger heir. Perhaps it is just me, but with some of the best cooks and kitchens in the land available to them – the best they can come up with is sausages? Once again, however, it demonstrates that Harry is numerate and was so from an early age.
But these revelations shrink to the size of a chipolata compared with the revelations about the appendage’s appendage – the royal sausage. From Arctic winkie frostbite (perhaps he was trying to cool it down after all that action behind the pub) to the purported cure, we are now suffering from far too much information. I cannot be alone in wondering if the Elizabeth Arden incident was a one-off. Was this autoeroticism or has he really found the cure for bell-end icicles?
Although I have twice as much material to cover, I must end this piece in the way that has become traditional, and acknowledge that this still relatively young man is damaged goods. He has been brought up in a family so dysfunctional that the House of Usher would seem like a therapeutic environment by comparison. The tragedy of losing his mother traumatised a nation; how much more did it traumatise him? But that does not give him the right to inflict an endless stream of drivel upon the rest of us, and it should not prevent some of us, in turn, telling him what a ridiculous spectacle he is making of himself. He claims to do it so that he can find peace; I think he should cease and desist, for the same reason.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
