Along with the other residents of our fair city of Hull, we received our Council Tax Demand the other day. ‘Demand’ mind you, not a bill or an invoice but a ‘demand’. If I went down to the Hull City Council offices and demanded something I would undoubtedly be pointed towards the door, taking in the ‘our staff have a right to a safe working environment’ signs on the way out.
The demand informed us that the city council would be fleecing us of nearly £300 monthly for the pleasure of knowing that our money was being spent on a range of services some of which are so vague as to be impossible to fathom – ‘communities’ and ‘corporate services’ – and one – ‘council tax, business rates & benefits’ – whereby we fund the very mechanism whereby we are fleeced. The enclosed leaflet Your Guide to Council Tax 2026/27 exhorts residents to remember that their council tax only funds 19% of the costs of the city council. As far as I am concerned that is at least 19% too much.
One of the areas on which the council spends our money is ‘road maintenance’ which, to the long-suffering residents of Hull, is a fucking joke if ever there was one. The roads in Hull, all of them, everywhere, are nothing short of hazardous due to the increasing number of potholes. No need for speed bumps here (but we have plenty of those too).
After a few frosty days, a once-smooth bit of road (there are precious few left) begins to develop holes, then more holes and then so many holes that they all merge into a single huge crater. Unless you drive a moon buggy, you enter at your peril. The result is that people either damage their cars or take avoiding action by swerving to avoid them and heading into the oncoming traffic. Some towns have voted for their favourite pothole; they’d be spoiled for choice here in Hull.
We have an increasing immigrant population in Hull, many of whom will have fled the oppressive regime in France and been relocated here. How much of the children’s social care, adult social care, council education functions, youth services and ‘communities’ funding goes towards their support is not stated. Also, how much of the ‘supporting business & creating jobs’ goes towards funding ‘Turkish’ barbers and nail bars is impossible to find out. I have tried.
A one-mile stretch of road in Hull has ten purportedly Turkish barbers and copious nail bars. The main activity in these places appears to be loafing about doing sod all except keeping an eye on the high-end BMW or Range Rover (always painted black) sitting outside. These places are always kitted out like first-class airline lounges while local and long-established hairdressers and barbers have no access to the kind of funding handed out to our imported population of scroungers.
Also available from Hull City Council is the Hull Community Plan 2024-2034 which, presumably, is funded from our pockets. Within this glossy brochure full of smiling faces is contained ‘Our Shared Ambitions’. Shared by whom is not clarified; and certainly not by me and another Hull curmudgeon, who is no stranger to these pages.
We are told that the ‘Voluntary sector collective Forum invited 30 groups from across the city to take part in conversations about their lives’… and ‘Our Shared Ambitions’ emerged. I can just imagine what this hand-picked collection of the deranged and the woke were like. No room for the ‘hang ‘em and flog ‘em’ brigade there I am guessing.
Apparently, as I was not consulted, our shared values include ‘Safe and welcoming neighbourhoods’ under which we hope to ‘Ensure that people who are affected by crime, abuse, or exploitation have access to the services and support they need and the confidence to reach out for help.’
Another fucking joke as, having been burgled twice in rapid succession twice in our former residence – usually a trigger that someone is being targeted – our report to the police did not conjure up a single representative of Humberside Constabulary. The buggers were caught on CCTV but Mr (and possibly Mrs – women can be policemen too) Plod were not interested. And, not that I would have welcomed it, we were offered no support.
We also hope to create ‘A healthier and fairer Hull’ of which I suppose our death-trap cycle lanes are probably one aspect. Oh yes, a white line with a bike logo – both of which wear off after a few months and are not repainted – will keep cyclists safe on the road. Some of our cycle lanes take cyclists into the middle of the road.
Which explains why they all cycle on the pavements. I use the word ‘cycle’ loosely as there is not a great deal of cycling in Hull. The dreaded e-bikes and e-scooters are everywhere, often doing 40-50mph along the pavement. All illegal, yet Mr and Mrs Plod do bugger all to stop them. I refer the city council to the first aim – above – of our shared ambitions.
Then we have ‘Reaching our potential’, and ‘Economic growth that works for all’, whatever they mean, and ‘Our culture, our heritage, our city’… ditto. But, of course, we are also ‘Responding to the climate and nature emergency’, neither of which exist. But this is just the kind of crap you’d expect from the bearded hordes (and that is just the women) of the Voluntary sector collective Forum.
We pay, handsomely, for the privilege of being lectured, neglected and occasionally endangered by those who claim to serve us. The roads crumble, the police vanish and the money flows ever onward into the great administrative abyss. If this is what passes for local government, one can only conclude that the phrase ‘taking the piss’ has rarely been more accurately applied. In the end, the only thing in Hull that is reliably well-maintained is the flow of money out of your pocket and into theirs.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
If you enjoy The New Conservative and would like to support our work, please consider buying us a coffee or sharing this piece with your friends – it would really help to keep us going. Thank you!
Hilarious! And every word could apply, no doubt, to every town in the UK – certainly here in Glasgow and surrounding Councils. This made me LOL – “Some towns have voted for their favourite pothole; they’d be spoiled for choice here in Hull.”
If only there were some way to challenge, some public forum where the hoi polloi are permitted (thank you kind Sir) to speak.
Great article – I’ve just forwarded it to a relative who has a “thing” about Turkish barbers and nail bars!
I think the ‘Turkish Barber’ issue is developing into an urban myth, yes there are lots (not all kitted out luxuriously) and the ’employees’ are possibly illegally working, but hire the chair and so no customers means no money for them. Fridays, weekends and school holidays see a level of custom not seen during the daytime on weekdays. £12 for a ‘Turkish’ outdoes £25+ for an ‘English’, plus I don’t want my hair cut by a woman anyway.
More curiouser far (in Hull) are the increasing number of small or tiny shops with meticulously stacked colourful shelves of boxed vapes or unknown sweets – these never have customers or seem to move any of the stock…..
Finally, Hull City Council is very keen to help the ‘under privilleged’, yet seems to enjoy this far too much and believes only those who don’t pay or contribute are worth their attention (the rest are just cash cows and probably not Labour or LibDem voters).