You Khant be Serious?!

Like most things, the New Years’ Honours list ain’t what it used to be; degraded to the point of ridicule, where cronyism and Z-list ineptitude feature in equal measure. While I stop just short of Peter Hitchens on the notion that such awards should be reserved exclusively for the military (substantial, selfless contributions to society should, I believe, be recognised), I do rather echo his sentiments:

“How can you have an Honours List in a country that no longer believes in honour? Modern Britain venerates fame, celebrates flashy success and reveres wealth but is increasingly baffled by the old hard virtues of quiet doggedness, courage under fire, self-sacrifice and modesty…

Political awards are given for anything but honour, since the really great politicians and civil servants are the ones who refuse to obey orders in the knowledge that it will cost them their careers.

As for the sporting and showbusiness medals, these people have their rewards already. They are given their bits of ribbon not to benefit them, but so that the Prime Minister of the day can prove he is a regular guy, and so that he can steal a little bit of their glamour for himself.”

Perhaps the best thing that can be said about the Honours System of late, is that the competition for the ‘least-deserved knighthood in history’ is now more interesting than the non-achievements the awards are routinely dished out for. Take Sir Chris Whitty, the man in charge of chaining us to our sofas, who recently made the shock revelation that the government ‘may have overstated the danger of Covid’; yeah, no shit Sherlock. Then there’s Sir James Wilson Vincent Savile, on whose behalf Margaret Thatcher famously lobbied officials, despite warnings that he was a ‘strange and complex man’. Beating them convincingly to the top spot is Sir Anthony Charles Lynton Blair – a man so evil, his face had patented the reverse Dorian Gray effect. My personal favourite however, remains Robert Mugabe – whose honorary knighthood was sadly rescinded, presumably after he ran out of political opponents to have assassinated. 

Ill-deserved honours are naturally not exclusive to Britain. The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Barrack Obama for his ‘extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples’ (which I assume is committee-speak for the stupendous trifecta of warmongering, being Black, and not being George W Bush) was until recently untouchable.

But even that may now have been eclipsed. As Christmas lurks just around the corner, rumours of the New Years’ Honours List have surfaced, with a certain Sadiq Khan tipped for a knighthood. If you think that’s a tad rich, seeing the mess London is in, you are not alone. In just three days, a petition against the award has garnered in excess of 100,000 signatures. Not exactly Tony Blair territory, granted – but then Khan’s destruction of the Capital is not quite the finished product; a diarrhoea stain, rather than the fully polished Blairite turd.

Perhaps I’m being unfair, so let’s approach the matter dispassionately, considering the Mayor’s brief according to his own website:

“The Mayor of London sets the budget and is responsible for making London a better place for everyone who visits, lives or works in the city.”

The role incorporates (but is not limited to) policing and crime, transport, housing, and civil defence. 

Measured against that, how then does his record stack up? Not very well. Knife crime is a particular scourge in the Capital, rising at its fastest rate in five years – with more than 40 incidents reported to the police every day. Indeed, Khan has been ignominiously accused of having ‘completely lost control’ of London’s streets by the victims’ families. Don’t worry if switchblades aren’t your line however; rape is popular too, and currently being reported on the hour every hour. 

In terms of transport, Khan’s tenure has been marred by strikes, with offers of a four-day week necessary to get those overworked Tube drivers back onto their arses. On the roads, Khan’s blanket 20 mph zones appear to have exacerbated congestion, with no concomitant increase in road safety. Meanwhile, the Ultra Low Emission Zone (ULEZ) has expanded to an area 18 times larger than was originally conceived, affecting an additional five million Londoners who must either replace their vehicles or line the Mayor’s pockets via exorbitant fines. 

On housing, Khan talks a good game but has been accused of misleading voters, as affordable housing in the Capital has hit a record low. Civil defence isn’t up to much either, unless your hobbies include prancing around London of a weekend screaming ‘Death to the Jews’, in which case you’re good to go. 

Overall, more nightmare than knighthood. 

It’s also interesting to note the range of activities for which one can be recognised. According to the government’s own website: 

People get honours for achievements like:

• making a difference to their community or field of work
• enhancing Britain’s reputation
• long-term voluntary service
• innovation and entrepreneurship
• changing things, with an emphasis on achievement
• improving life for people less able to help themselves
• displaying moral courage

Honours are given to people involved in fields including:

• community, voluntary and local services
• arts and media
• health
• sport
• education
• science and technology
• business and the economy
• civil or political service

None of which appear to be particularly within Khan’s wheelhouse, although if the sub-category ‘Elite level poseur’ should ever arise, Sir Sadiq would be up there with the world’s finest. 

The pretext for the impending knighthood is the wonderfully vague ‘political and public services’ – services rendered no doubt, but to what and whom?

If we’re going down the Sadiq Khan Honours route, might I suggest the following additions?

• Justin Welby – ensuring the job market for crossdressing sadists remains robust
• David Lammy – guaranteeing the ‘special relationship’ falls on its arse
• Emily Thornberry – singlehandedly propping up the Gregg’s share price (and sausage counter) after John Prescott’s untimely death

While the details are vague and Number 10 may well deny the Prime Minister’s personal involvement, it’s more than likely the Khan knighthood is on Keir Starmer’s say-so. It smacks of the arrogant, short-sighted, tone deaf politics that have characterised his five months comatose at the wheel.

Sure, granting Khan a knighthood may well be ‘within the rules’ – something Starmer cares passionately about, but the optics are excruciating. Allowing rich Muslims to sponsor your wife’s wardrobe may also technically be legal, but it ain’t a great look Keir. 

If you want an Honours List worthy of the name, you could do worse than consult last year’s The New Conservative awards (this year’s will be released in the run up to 2025 – get your votes in by the way). In the interim, a Khan knighthood will only confirm what Starmer’s critics already suspect:

1. He doesn’t give a shit what the public thinks.
2. He’s determined to rub our noses in it.

 

(Photograph: Chabad Lubavitch, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons)

 

Frank Haviland is the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West, and writes a Substack here.

 

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