Have you taken a look in the mirror lately? I hope the face smiling back at you wasn’t white. If it was, my condolences – though I trust you’re doing everything humanly possible to eradicate the disease you’re spreading? The whiteness virus is now reaching pandemic levels, causing exhaustion in non-whites, or ‘black fatigue’ as it is known medically.
Of course, virologists have warned us for years of the dangers of whiteness. Luminaries such as Munroe Bergdorf, ‘The white race is the most violent and oppressive force of nature on earth’, and Kehinde Andrews, ‘Whiteness is a psychosis’. Sadly, they were written off as conspiracy theorists.
Now facing the abyss, it is upon the absolute neutrality of the media wherein we must place our faith. Thank Christ we have one man, daring to keep us abreast of unacceptably high transmission rates. Inzamam Rashid, a correspondent at Sky News, selflessly confronted his bosses last week, without a thought for his own safety.
The coverage of the war has been brilliant but very white. In fact, not a single person of colour on or off air has been to cover the crisis, whilst our competitors have thrived in this area. Are you concerned about that?
Forget for a moment that Rashid is technically wrong – he’s not white, so we can only imagine the trauma he faces on a daily basis. Blowing the whistle on the ‘Me, Me, Me!’ attitude of whites who make every situation, even warzones about themselves, Rashid is raising an issue too important for facts.
Besides which, in the case of the Ukraine conflict Rashid was immediately vindicated by the disgraceful exploits of fellow reporter Stuart Ramsey. Ramsey, who took the white privilege fast-track into Ukraine, got shot in an ambush almost before his feet touched the red carpet. As it turns out, Ramsey didn’t quite manage to get himself killed (his obvious intent), but it was a close call, and would have accorded him undeserved mourning which George Floyd memorials can ill-afford to lose.
Rashid isn’t the only one brave enough to stick his head above the parapet. He joins an A-team of plucky individuals, risking everything to halt the spread of whiteness. Spare a thought for Jon Snow, who risks infection every time he reports on the bastards congregating in groups larger than one. Raise a glass to Labour MP, David Lammy, who singlehandedly defended starving Africans from eight million quid’s worth of white largesse. And lest we forget, Fiona Onasanya: fiercely confronting the whiteness of Westminster, one ankle tag at a time.
Sadly the long-term effects of whiteness are fatal, which is why we haven’t got enough of these brave souls, and why the problem persists. While we have managed to contain whiteness in its original strain, it mutates rapidly, which means we must be ever-vigilant.
Here are just a few of the industries which have recently been given up as too white:
American Philanthropy: white people trying to give away money, bastards.
Charities: white people trying to encourage people to give away money.
Disaster Management: white people trying to prevent disasters.
Gun Control: white people trying to stop people getting shot.
Suicide: white people trying to kill themselves.
To the untrained eye, the above might look like something to celebrate – however, we must never forget that whiteness can be transmitted asymptomatically, even if you’re certain you’ve never had it.
I take my hat off to Inzamam Rashid, for whom the Victoria Cross is deserved, though I doubt forthcoming. Such a burden should not fall however to one or two brave individuals, but is something we must all confront in our daily lives. If we all truly stand together and call out whiteness wherever it rears its ugly head, then perhaps we can eradicate this disease once and for all.
Long-term, a vaccine is obviously the solution. While that remains in the developmental phase however, it is incumbent on each one of us to at least disavow our whiteness, and self-identify as black.
