With the Christmas goose well and truly cooked – much like Keir Starmer’s hopes of leading the government into the next general election – the New Year festivities are once again upon us. What better time to dish out gongs to the grifters, gaslighters and gobshites who’ve conspired to make 2025 the unmitigated disaster it was? Fortunately, it’s been a bumper year for sleaze, surrender and sausage-related arson – the three S’s of Starmerism, if you will. As is customary at The New Conservative, we eschew the establishment’s devotion to cronyism, preferring to bestow our own awards. So without further ado, here is the full list of those most worthy of public contempt in 2025:
The Alistair Campbell Scholarship for Sexed-up Dossiers (and CVs) – Rachel Reeves
If fibbing were a fine art, ‘Rachel from Accounts’ would be hanging in the Tate – although the Tower of London is making a strong bid for permanent exhibition space. Our ‘copy-and-paste’ Chancer of the Exchequer is the only woman in history to win chess tournaments by coming joint 26th, for whom five-and-a-half years constitutes a full decade, and whose sterling undercover work in the HBOS complaints department somehow transmogrified into frontline economics on her CV.
But my favourite 2025 Reeves moment was her frantic hunt for ways to fill that infamous 22 billion pound black hole. How was she to know Jeremy Corbyn would show up, assuming it was an opportunity to rekindle his folie à deux with Diane? They don’t teach you that at the Bank of England.
Poster Foetus for Palestine – Owen Jones
Jonesy remains a curious case: quite possibly the only left-whinger alive for whom both the BBC and the Labour Party are still not quite antisemitic enough. He routinely accuses Israel of committing “sexual assault and rape on an industrial scale” against Palestinians, yet mysteriously develops myopia when confronted with five decades’ worth of Muslim gangs raping their way across Britain’s towns and cities.
Having clearly missed his calling as a ‘fag’ at Eton, Jones has decided to counter the government’s ‘tough stance’ on immigration by offering complimentary blowjobs to each and every migrant ‘doctor’ and ‘engineer’ that makes his way across the English Channel on a dinghy; an offer so unappealing Jones would, ironically, solve the migrant crisis overnight.
RNIB ‘Diversity’ Virtue-Signaller’s Award – Jointly Awarded to Fraser Nelson and Kirstie Allsopp
In the land of the blind, these two reign supreme. Fraser ‘London has never been safer’ Nelson (pontificating from the safety of leafy Twickenham) and Kirstie ‘my mate hasn’t been raped yet’ Allsopp want to tell you why you’re wrong to think London is a cesspit of third-world crime and violence.
That’s London incidentally, where a rape is reported every hour; a phone is snatched every six minutes; a knife crime is recorded every half hour; you can’t wear ostentatious jewellery (is there any other kind?); robbery occurs every eleven minutes; shoplifting every four; and gun crime only three times a day – so really, no big deal.
Who in their right mind would dare mug Fraser Nelson, lest he accuse them of dropping their ‘h’s when they scream “hurry up, you wanker”? Allsopp, meanwhile, has spent the past quarter-century on Escape to the Country, shipping London’s well-heeled as far from vibrant diversity as humanly possible. But don’t worry, chaps – there’s no pattern to see here.
Jeremy Corbyn Award for Terrorist Sympathy – Zarah Sultana
Zarah Sultana (brain the size of a sultana to her friends) had a vintage 2025. Still suspended from the Labour whip for her Gaza obsession, she co-founded a chaotic new left-wing outfit with Jeremy “Jezbollah” Corbyn, only to boycott its inaugural conference over a “sexist boys’ club” and alleged witch-hunts — honestly, what was she expecting from a bunch of Muslim extremists?! She was accused of withholding nearly a million quid in donations (keffiyeh budget running high, presumably), slammed Corbyn for being “too conciliatory” on antisemitism, and proudly reaffirmed her “anti-Zionist” credentials at every opportunity.
Her crowning achievement, however, was camping outside HMP Bronzefield in solidarity with proscribed Palestine Action hunger-strikers facing charges for burglary, criminal damage and violent disorder. Noble stuff, Zarah – though one suspects a quick trip to the McDonald’s round the corner would have ended the protest faster than any government concession. After all, nothing says “free Palestine” like a Big Mac and fries – supersized, naturally.
The Piers Morgan Award for Uberwankery – Piers Morgan
Piers ‘curry first, country second’ Morgan, the blowhards’ blowhard and self-appointed guardian of free speech (provided he gets the last word, the first word, and most of the ones in between), had another bumper year in 2025. The man who turns every interview into a personal coliseum – interrupting, shouting down, and accusing guests of evasion when they dare finish a sentence – spent months defending the sacred right to offend, only to censor slurs on his own show and platform extremists for clicks.
Morgan went viral this year after he confidently claimed he would trade white English people for a good chicken tikka masala – although I suspect I know where he’s coming from; most white Brits would trade Morgan for a lot less than that – perhaps just the leftover poppadoms.
Tony Blair Award for Treason against the British People – Sir Keir Starmer
In a year where betrayal has become the Westminster norm, no one has sold out the British people with quite the robotic zeal of Keir Starmer – the only man who makes Tony Blair look like a staunch defender of sovereignty. This is the fellow who bent the knee to Brussels for an EU ‘reset’ faster than you can say ‘Black Lives Matter’, cheerfully surrendered control of our waters in a manner Ted Heath would have been proud, and crowbarred the borders so far open you’d think his wife’s wardrobe depended on it. It’s safe to say, Ukrainian rentboys aside, Sir Keir hasn’t been smashing any gangs of late.
Call me old-fashioned, but traitors used to come with a bit of dash to them – a modicum of razzmatazz to sell their deceit. Starmer however, is the only waxwork Madame Tussauds couldn’t improve on; a man who could kill the mood at an autopsy. If he donated to your nan’s funeral fund and offered to give the eulogy, not only would you give him his money back – but I suspect, nan would realise she wasn’t quite dead enough to sit through that dirge.
A Massive Thank You!
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved with The New Conservative, and for contributing to our slow but steady growth in 2025. I must briefly embarrass my bald spot and take my hat off to Deputy Editor, Roger Watson, without whose support, wit and terrifyingly good nature, I am sure we would long since have gone out of print. I am also greatly indebted to our regular (and not so regular) writers, without whom these pages would be blank. Special mentions must also go to Stewart, Neil, Alastair, Russell, Martin, Joe, Brian, Madeleine, Andrew, Jack, Peter, and Dom.
Lastly, I would like to thank the most important people of all – you, the readers. Everyone who logs in, shares articles, comments and critiques – we appreciate your support and suggestions.
I would also add (in the Dickensian begging bowl times in which we find ourselves) that the TNC budget currently resembles Oliver Twist’s rainy-day fund. While everyone works pro bono, for those in a position to do so, donations of any size are always most welcome!
From myself, Roger and all the team at The New Conservative, we would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas, and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year.
Frank Haviland is the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West and The Frank Report, which you should probably subscribe to.
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When the ground swell becomes the crest of the wave…