Christmas is upon us once more, which means we’re just a few eggnogs away from the New Year festivities and the concomitant shame of the ‘Honours List’. As is customary at The New Conservative, we tend to eschew the establishment devotion to cronyism – preferring to bestow our own awards. Fortunately, it’s been a bumper year for incompetence, mendacity and treason – the ‘three R’s of politics’ if you will. So without further ado, here is the full list of those most worthy of public contempt in 2024:
Most Ill-Conceived Cock in a Dress
In a crowded field, this year’s ‘spare prick in a wedding dress’ was unquestionably the Archbishop-basher of Canterbury, Justin Welby. Who else could attack second home owners while in possession of a 6-bedroom house in Normandy, carp incessantly about slavery reparations with well-documented ancestral links to the trade himself, or preach the virtues of Net Zero while jet-setting around the globe?
It’s Welby’s role as head of the Church of England however, which ultimately bears testament to his legacy as an uberwanker. Not content with the historic cover-up of prolific and sustained child abuse by those close to him, Welby had the gall to be self-indulgent and unrepentant in his resignation speech. John Smyth may no longer be around to play ‘hunt the choirboy’, but the lives he ruined should have been protected by those in authority – not least of whom Welby, who admits to knowing about Smyth’s abuse in 2013, but had in fact been warned of the man’s character as early as 1981.
Notable mentions must go to the man lard models itself on, Sam Smith, the ‘transwoman’ so lunatic he couldn’t even get elected as a Labour MP, Eddie Izzard, and Owen Jones – the Israel-hating eunuch, with more cock than any Guardian columnist in history.
Alistair Campbell Bursary for Sexed-up Dossiers
If economy with the truth were a recognised discipline, Rachel Reeves would doubtless find herself lecturing at Harvard. Instead, the Chancer of the Exchequer is revealed to have lied on her CV, lied about being British Chess Champion, lied about being an economist, and committed plagiarism so scandalous she might as well have written the book.
What’s less well-known about ‘Rachel from Accounts’ is the glittering Hollywood career she turned down in favour of freezing the bollocks off British pensioners. Rachel was the obvious first choice for Friends, before her understudy Jennifer Aniston snagged the role. Her life story inspired the Matrix trilogy (distant cousin Keanu playing the lead, naturally), and she was earmarked for a 9-decade outing as Superman, before George and Christopher took the patriarchy express-lane to stardom.
Herman Van Rompuy Charisma of a Damp Rag Award
I’ve known some boring bastards in my time; men so listless that paint watches them dry. But none of them come close to Keir Starmer – a man so wooden he dare not venture into IKEA, lest he be mistaken for faulty flatpack furniture and swiftly disassembled. Alongside his many other talents (Dalek impersonator, anorak model, and the only waxwork Madame Tussaud admitted she ‘couldn’t improve on’), Starmer can make any bad situation worse. He’d be given a wide berth at a deafblind orgy, and could kill the mood at an autopsy.
Jeremy Corbyn Wreath for Special Services to Antisemitism
Jezza would usually be a shoo-in for his own award, but 2024 has seen a changing of the guard – or more specifically, the Gaza. While the cunstabularies of Britain are renowned for kneeling, appeasing or twerking their way out of an arrest (unless of course it’s honkies daring to object to the slaughter of little girls, in which case it’s riot gear all the way), the Old Bill have surpassed themselves in their tolerance for the genocidal scum (sorry, ‘pro-Palestine protestors’) who litter the streets of our once great nation on a weekly basis.
Best in show were the dhimmis of the Metropolitan Police, and their disgraceful treatment of Gideon Falter back in April of this year. For the crime of wearing a kippah in London at the same time as a pro-Palestine protest, Falter was stopped by police and threatened with arrest for being an antagonising presence: “You are quite openly Jewish. This is a pro-Palestinian march. I am not accusing you of anything, but I am worried about the reaction to your presence”.
With the success of Donald Trump and the MAGA movement across the pond, perhaps the Old Bill should incorporate their own ‘MAKA’ slogan: Make Antisemitism Kosher Again.
Jihadi Playmate of the Year
It takes something to knock Shamima Begum off her ‘Burka Babes’ Page 3 perch (although of course she’s still got ‘Mother of the Year’ to look forward to), but this season’s choice for Jihadi pin-up just has to be Axel Muganwa Rudakubana; the Welsh choirboy who moonlights (conveniently) as Abu Hamza al-Masri’s right hand man in Southport.
Pay no attention to the reports that ‘Rudy’ (as I think we ought to call him) is 18 years old. The BBC and other reputable sources will verify, Axel mysteriously retains his boyish good looks well into adulthood.
Assuming his trial takes place sometime within the next century (you really can’t rush these things, can you?), one thing is for certain: Rudy can expect to be even more popular in the showers than he was at the BBC. Sure, Children in Need is a worthy cause, but not quite as worthy as ‘Jihadis in Clink’; deprived of 24/7 access to the local primary school, the need for children is even more pronounced. Axel may have to wait a while for the promised 72 virgins, but that’s no reason why he can’t take one for team Allah in the interim!
A Massive Thank You!
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved with The New Conservative, and for contributing to our slow but steady growth in 2024. I must briefly take my hat off to Deputy Editor, Roger Watson, without whose support, insight and terrifyingly good nature, I am sure we would long since have gone out of print. I am also greatly indebted to our regular (and not so regular) writers, without whom these pages would be blank. Special mentions must go to Peter, Jack, Alastair, Martin, Duke, Niall, Stewart, Joe and Dom.
Lastly, I would like to thank the most important people of all – you, the readers. Everyone who logs in, shares articles, comments and critiques – we appreciate your support and suggestions.
I would also add that the TNC budget has been downgraded yet again, from shoestring to sandal to barefoot (if you know, you know). While everyone works pro bono, for those in a position to do so, donations of any size are always welcome!
From myself, Roger and all the team at The New Conservative, we would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas, and a happy, healthy and prosperous New year.
Frank Haviland is the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West, and writes a Substack here.
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